Holidaze

The Man and I are headed home from visiting my family in FL. It was a wonderful, hard, painful, blissful, frustrating trip. Family is hard sometimes.... I will have a lot to write about but for now I will just say that The Man and I are brainstorming ways to "run for our troops". I will say more soon but I feel compelled to throw out a little "teaser". I hope this finds you all well and enjoying the holiday hubbub. I for one, will be happy after new years has passed...I agree with Maureen!

<3 Anna

Putting the Christ back in Christmas and other culturally insensitive holiday sayings...

I was raised in an atheist/Buddhist household. My father has long been a meditator and my mother well...she always said "I am a spiritual person with a deep faith but I don't think there is some guy in the clouds deciding my fate and I certainly don't need anyone down here telling me how to live my life". My mother believed in the power of new life. As a long-time midwife she believed very much in higher powers. Anyway, this is not about my parents religious inclinations. As I was saying I was raised in an organized religion free household. The one caveat was Christmas. My Mother LOVES Christmas. She loves the traditions and the lights, the zillion piece jig-saw puzzles, the tree in the corner, visiting family and above all the music at midnight mass. I went to church almost every Christmas as a kid just so we could sing in the most amazing acoustics once a year. Christmas was a big deal in our household. My Father had a Santa suit and every year for many many years, my mother and I would buy books for my cousins, wrap them in brown paper and hand pain winter scenes or lovely designs. My father would dress up and dust off his best, most convincing ho-ho-ho and we would put on a show of Santa coming to my aunt's house to ask all the little cousins what they wanted for Christmas. It was a full scale production. It was magic.

It was my Mother's favorite time of the year. It was mine to for a long time just because my Mother was always so energized and enthusiastic. I loved the art projects and the time spent shopping for the books. The books were a tradition started when I was an infant by my aunt Margaret. Every birthday and Christmas she would send me some beautiful book that always seemed absolutely perfect for my personality and developmental stage. She lived 9 hours away and we hardly ever saw her in person but she was uncanny in her ability to send me a "new favorite" book EVERY TIME. In fact I still have most of them today. I have read them to the dozens of children I have cared for over the years and I will give them to my own children some day.

Christmas was always a very thoughtful time of year. As an older child I didn't love it as much as Thanksgiving because it always seemed to come with this added buzz of money worry and too many other obligations. But as a child, Christmas did seem magical.

As an adult, I have worked Christmas eve and day for the last 6 years. The particular day doesn't mean an awful lot to me and I know how much it means to many people and their families. Someone has to be at work in the emergency department on Christmas so it might as well be me. My husband feels the same way about there being someone in the ambulance and thus, we try to pick up the holiday shifts and our family (his is here in Oregon) has learned to roll with the punches and celebrate Christmachaunuka on whatever day we can all have off together somewhere in the week surrounding actual Christmas. I don't work holidays to get the praise or to use it as a bargaining chip in future vacation requests. I do it because as a kid there were lots of holidays that my mom spent on-call or in a delivery at the hospital and I was one bummed out six-year old to have to wait or have presents on the next morning. I get how hard it can be for the family of the shift workers. I do it because I can and it doesn't ruffle too many feathers any more. I do it because it makes my heart feel good to know that I made the holidays a little easier and brighter for someone else's family and that when folk show up in the ED they are going to be cared for by at least one person who wants to be there on that day.

So, all of this is leading up to a little rant about sayings like "Tough crap if I offend anyone by saying Merry Christmas! It's not Happy Holidays! Its Christmas so too bad!" Its this sort of militant "Christmas" beating that drives me bonkers. "Christ is the reason for the season. I'm only going to say Merry Christmas and if that offends anyone they can shut up" ** I am NOT kidding you people! Facebook status** "They can shut up? How very Christian of you! How super tolerant and loving of you. The attitude of "Jesus died for all our sins so I'm gonna punch you if you don't agree" seems rather profoundly UNChristian to me. If I did believe in Jesus or God I think I would believe that he was a loving and tolerant one. I think I would believe he truly wanted us to love and cherish one another and not just the oneanothers who agree with each other. ALL the oneanothers. I have a lot of trouble with people who hate other people in the name of God. If God is so all powerful he can hate whoever he wants without my help. I think the Godly thing to do however, is to see the beauty in our differences and to appreciate the richness of the world. My Mother ALWAYS said it but it is true..."How boring would the world be if we were all alike?"

SO, my challenge to the world this Christmas/Holiday season is to actually practice being like the spirit you worship or believe in. I have heard the quote "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son..." He loved the WORLD. The whole world. Not just the Christian world. He loved all of the rest of us as well. I am not asking anyone to give their children to be crucified....I am simply asking us to practice that kind of love in the many small ways we are able. Take a breath and step aside from how angry political correctness makes you and think about it on a more personal level. Acting, giving and even speaking "Merry Christmas" out of love and genuine love will always be a good thing to do. But the same cannot be said for beating someone up with your faith.

Three Things Thanksgiving

So yesterday was the best day! I spent the night before at a holiday party hosted by some neighbors who are also work buddies from the hospital. It was, as their parties usually are, a really great time spent packed into their kitchen with 20 other people while the huge living room is mostly empty. I don't know what it is about Jordi and Ember's house but parties ALWAYS happen in the kitchen. It was a blast. There was a lot of delicious food and I ate some of everything I wanted including some baked spinach dip and mac and cheese. I didn't go hog wild though and it was good. I wasn't denying myself anything, instead I focused on portion control.

The next morning I woke up (only sightly hung over) and put on my arctic running tights for the Turkey Trot with JC up at the zoo. I was nervous about running with J but I had run with her on the very last leg of her 50K this fall and knew that if nothing else, she was a kind spirit. So, we met up and ran the hills between the zoo and the gardens. It was sort of killer to get to the bottom of this brutal hill and then turn around and run back up it. I swallowed my pride and walked in a few places. I decided that my goal was to run a fun race in such a way that I could feel uninjured and ready to at least work out the next day. Mission accomplished. I must admit that at one point I thought I saw the finish and I started pouring it on. My legs were flying. It was not the finish line at all. We probably had 1/2 mile left to go. It was the entrance to the zoo. Well, that was a confidence blow as then my legs began to feel like they were cast in jello molds. Anyway, we had a great finish and laughed and chatted the whole run. It felt really great to have a buddy to run with and to feel like it was easy to talk and to be myself. This may sound totally silly but especially when it comes to my running or working out, I am so self conscious. I don't want to seem fat or slow or silly. I want to seem like a runner. I totally felt like a runner yesterday and it was a great confidence boost to get me through the rest of the day.

The Man and I went to his Uncle Al's house for (my 3rd) family thanksgiving. There was a metric TON of food and lots of love and laughter as there always is at these events. It is usually Uncle Al, Grandpa, Momma, Dad, Sister A, TheMan and myself. It is nice to be included and to see that the traditions are very similar to my family traditions. It makes it easier. I realized yesterday that this was my 3rd Turkey with them and will be my 3rd Christmachaunuka this year as well. I am so very fortunate to have married into a really loving and sweet family. I am not even going to GO into how much I miss my family at the holidays but it is a LOT so having similar celebrations with this part of the family is nice.

I spoke to both of my parents and exchanged email with my brother who live is London yesterday. I miss them but it is more than that. My parents divorced when I was an "adult" in college. They sold the house and began lives with their respective partners. My childhood memories of holidays are totally intact. It is just that they are unreachable now. I never had to go through the shared holidays or anything like that as a kid. Instead, it is more like I just can ever go back there.... not with my husband or my own children in the future. It makes it bittersweet. I said I wasn't going to focus on this a ton and I won't but I will throw in that 3 years ago I never would have imagined the possibility of a "family" holiday of any sort where my brother and I would be sitting celebrating over a meal with both of my parents. This fall at my wedding all of that changed. My parents and their partners were all so wonderful and were having such a genuinely lovely time together that something shifted and while it may be a geographical challenge, all of them have said something to the effect of expressing a desire to spend a "family" holiday all together in some form soon. So, I hold out hope that we can make that happen.

I managed to eat just one plate and not to stack anything. I ate slowly and enjoyed my food, I got rid of most of the left overs by sending them to work with G, and I ran my race before dinner and walked the dogs for 45min after dinner. I think I will make it through this season and still manage to lose weight. I certainly hope so anyway....

Ok, that was my day.... Here are the things I am thankful for...

1. Community. I never would have dreamt 3 1/2 years ago when I moved out here, that I would have such beautiful community all around me. It is as minor as the people I see every day at the grocery store and as deep and wide as the new family of neighbors I find myself a part of. It is the crew who buys my soup and the friend of a friend who helps teach me the finer points of canning. In an ever less personal and connected world I am finding myself more connected and more enriched by those around me. For that I am grateful.

2. My Family. This year has been hard. My family (ALL of them) is what got me (us) through it all. They put aside personal issues and stepped up with love and assistance. They overcame personal hurdles to help G and I over some pretty friggin' HUGE ones of our own. They continue to show me unconditional love and support. I have the most wonderful family.

3. My husband. I know he is often the recipient of my thank you shout outs but I truly couldn't do what I do without him. He is the cream in my coffee. Everything is richer and more lovely with him by my side. He makes me strong, helps me when I am weak, supports my efforts and listens to help me clarify my intentions. He is a wonderful man and a really fantastic best friend. I sound all smooshy and gross but I am one lucky bunny.

I hope turkey treated everyone well. I am headed to the gym to try an ensure that the turkey and stuffing and gravy and mac and cheese and coffee cake don't stay for long.... What are you thankful for?

Learning to fly...er, race

I had a great weekend. I got to spend real time with the Man. We got the house cleaned, not scrubbed clean but much improved. I pulled off a tasty meal over 100miles away (post on this tomorrow). I woke up this morning, ate a little breakfast and not only did the right thing by my body by not upgrading to the 10k, but I managed a PR in a 5k. Yup, things are looking up again for old Liz Lemon....

I was nervous this morning, that my legs would hurt, that I would be slow, that I would look silly. I started out waay too fast but managed to keep it together and finish strong. I told the Man that I think I am learning to "race". I am learning to push a little harder and stronger than I do in training runs. I am learning to be more comfortable being uncomfortable. This is not to be confused with pushing too hard or over doing it. On the contrary, it is just a transition from "lah lah lah, fat kid on a run. Just feeling lucky to finish..." to "what am I capable of? What do I really have in here anyway? Can I dig a little deeper and push a little harder?" And when I am trying to do those things it is not about being comfy, or taking it easy. Anyway, it felt good even if I did start too fast (9:27 min pace to the first mile woops!). I got the side stitch/hiccups and took 2 half minute walk breaks but mostly I spent my run today settling into feeling uncomfortable. In meditation they talk a lot about making friends with one's self, getting familiar with the ups and downs, getting comfortable even when physically you are uncomfortable. One great teacher once said to a room full of us on day 4 of a 30 day retreat "Stop fidgeting. Moving around is just another distraction. Your mind will do anything to distract you from stillness. Just stop. It isn't about being perfectly comfortable. It takes work." Well, the same seems true for running faster and racing in particular. It isn't a slumber party...it is work. Quit expecting it to be easy and you won't feel so upset when it is hard. I quit expecting it to be easy and oddly enough, it got easier. There was less mental struggle. I felt calmer. I shaved 3minutes off of my last 5k.

The other, very cool, thing that happened was in the Man's race. I sort of shanghaied him into running. He started taking his meds again and is a focused, driven dude again. He has been running and for the first time since beginning to run as an adult, he is curious about his personal potential. I sort of backdoor convinced him to "consider" running the half marathon this weekend and he did! He not only considered it he ran it in SUB 8MIN PACE!!! He is a FU%$ING MACHINE! I am so proud of him. He is so proud of him. He came through the finish line and was totally vacant. I think he got a little hungry at the end and was not totally with it. When he finally came around he was pretty proud of himself. He finished about 4 min faster than his goal time for the day. I can't wait to see what happens this winter! We have some good races lined up.... Hagg Lake 25k, Shamrock Run 15k.... Eugene....As long as I can keep losing weight, getting stronger and staying injury free, I feel like this could really be my year! Or maybe I should say this could be my first of many years....

Negative Nancy Says Hush Little Rage Muffin Hush

So... after all of that.... I found out the state has everything they need and on Monday I am trotting my little behind to the EMS office and walking out an Oregon EMT-P. Then I will turn in my application and anxiously pace up and down for about a week.

In all of this I learned a few things. 1. Do not put off today what may cause you to not get a job you should really get tomorrow. 2. You are very very very very lucky if you can find a partner in this world who will watch you pull off some of the stupidest shit in history, know that even if they wanted to they could not stop you, and then totally refrain from judgment or shittiness when you come crying to them for help. 3. Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans....the important part is that you continue to make other plans and just roll, gracefully if possible, with what comes. 4. The woman at the state EMS office has a heart and soul after all and last but certainly not least #5. Admitting you created your own train wreck when asking for special help and acknowledging that people are not required to help you, but you really really appreciate it when they do goes a very long way in pulling yourself out of said train wreck.

And now I am off to Eugene to watch the Man run a half marathon in likely, only twice as long as it takes me to run my 5K..... Up next: The Midwestern girl attempts to impress her father in-law by cooking a yummy dinner....

Three Things Thursday turns to FU%K Me Friday....

So I missed TTT. I thought about writing. Honestly I did. I just felt so wiped out after my night at work on wednesday followed by a PT appointment in the middle of the only REM sleep I got all day. The dog was being a jerk and I didn't sleep which lead to feeling like yuk and not writing TTT post.

So, what happens when things are left too long without proper attention? Three Things Thursday turns into FMF. Here is a list of the three things I have not dealt with and am thus under the gun about on this lovely grey Friday.

1. My school loan/account balance for my final term. Yes, I graduated months ago. This summer in the heat of the insanity I decided, wisely at the time, that I would apply for one more little bump of help. I went through the whole mess of applications and co-signers and on and on. I was under the impression that all I needed to do was pay the balance and it was game on. Well, I did not have the $$ to pay the balance so I waited. I waited and the school held my diploma hostage. It was not the biggest deal. I would soon have the money and they would soon send me my diploma right? WRONG! You see, when you don't follow up properly even the simplest things turn into a total goat rodeo. I now have a shot at a job with a company here in the city which would pay more, be soooo much closer, start at full time more quickly and would involve a promise of that full time indefinitely but.....I need my state cert and to get that cert....I need my diploma. So I think, bad girl, you should not have dragged your feet for so long, now this is going to be a time crunch. I had no idea! I call school today all peppy, thinking all I had to do was fork over about 1200$. Nope! My loan disbursement got all jacked up and the bank and the school never caught up with each other to pass the cash. So, here I sit, on the verge of job opportunities totally screwed by my own hand. I said to the man "If I were my kid, I would be pretty disappointed in me right now".

2. Cleaning our bedroom....need I really say more?

3. The dryer is broken. We have a new homeowners warranty on all of that sort of stuff but in the mean time I went downstairs to find 2 loads of wet funky laundry laying in a pile on the washing machine. It was enough to give me a stroke. I was so pissed. I get it. It not working... SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOO ABOUT THE ROTTING LAUNDRY????!!!!!! I lost my cool a little then sucked it up and hung the shit on the drying rack. I go all Martha Steward on a bender of rage and passiveaggressivity sometimes when things like this happen.

Anyway, today is Friday my school situation is a total cluster, my bedroom is filthy and we are expected in Eugene tonight. I am in a labile mood at best....I hate it when the universe conspires against me to show me how disorganized and irresponsible I am.... I get it universe!!! Go back to casually ignoring my existence now please....

BLAAARRGHHH

Pardon my French but FUUUUUHHHHHCK!

I went to PT this morning and while he was checking out my pain scale I told him my knee felt a little janky. He checked out my knee and compared it to the other one and said "you have a little fluid on your knee." You must have jacked it up on the elliptical (based on what I was telling him) and now it is a little pissed and swollen. Then he gave me the fear of god speech as he called it. He threatened me with a torn meniscus if I didn't chill the F out. I am allowed pool running and walking and that is about it. Fuck Fuck Fuck! That is such a bummer! I have things to do, races to PR JAMES!!!! What the HELL?!!! More like what the hell body?! I am, needless to say, a little torn up about it. That said and profanity aside I am using this as a chance to practice being more patient, more creative and more positive. I think PT is a huge part of that as every time I go we work on something and I feel results and I leave with a clear picture of what to work on for next time. I'm such a follower! Anyway, I guess this is a two sided post. The first being the afore mentioned F!!! and the second being that I am taking a moment to pause and see this challenge for the potential growth it affords me. I will come out of this stronger, more creative and much more familiar with the pool down the road. I will learn how to read my body's signals and what to do to honor its needs while keeping my physical and mental fitness. Thanks for listening....