Sunday, May 5, 2013

Learning to trust my gut (part 1)

Two weeks ago now Ramona started getting fussy.  She was a little drooly, a bit snotty and most notably crabby.  She is not a crabby kid.  She is bright and funny and silly and thoughtful (yes, even for a 14 mo) she is independent does not appreciate having things done to her without a little heads up first and does get frusterated with things that are challenging but she is not a screamer.  So, back to the beginning....After six nights all increasingly miserable and increasingly sleepless I called out pediatrician.  I had been sure it was a hat trick of teething, a little cold and a developmental growth spurt.  She was so out of sorts and had spent the last six nights violently thrashing about for hours, seemingly unable to get comfortable at all.  I left work early and biked home in time to take her to the doctor who took a peak in her ears and mouth and said she saw some redness in her throat and she suspected it was as I suspected the toddler triple.  I went home reassured and feeling confidant that I was a "good mom" and "on the ball".  We kept up the motrin and cuddles and hoped it would pass in a few more days.  I went back to work the next day and checked in on her at home with my mother in law and sister in law all day long.  She was crabby and not eating and not interested in any of her favorite things.  It was a sad day and I felt like shit for leaving her but I was still really quite confidant this was just a bug that needed tincture of time and a few extra cuddles and certainly my family was equipped to provide that so I could go to work.  Upon arriving home that night I was greeted at the door by a very crabby and now very cross eyed Ramona.  I asked the team how long her eyes had been that way and they said it was pretty recent, maybe an hour or two.  We all scratched our heads and hypothesized that she HAD been rubbing her eyes a great deal and maybe she had irritated the muscles and yadda yadda, schlocky pseudo science blah blah, rationalize something pretty alarming if you stop and think about it....That night was the WORST night yet.  R woke up at 1130 and was still screaming and thrashing about at 4.  Around 1am I called my mother in Michigan in tears.  I didn't know what was wrong and she was so upset and I was at my wit's end.  R stopped crying and just sat limply in my arms, awake but seemingly spent from crying.  When I hung up with my mom she started crying again.  It went on from 1:30 to 3:45 when my husband got home and I called the advice nurse at the pediatrician's office.  She and I talked and I was insistent that R did not seem toxic or in danger she just seemed miserable.  I told her I didn't think she needed an ER visit but I just didn't know what to DO! She was very sweet and again, R laid spent in my arms for the duration of the conversation.  I went to the guest room to try to sleep since I had now been up for the better part of 6 days but awake awake for 29hrs.  I awoke after 3 hours to the sound of R screaming for G.  He said she had passed out for a while but not long and he had just been trying to console her for the better part of the last hour and a half.  Just about then the phone rang and it was the ped's office calling to make an appointment for her to be seen in Saturday clinic. 

At the pediatrician's R was not as fussy.  The motrin seemed to be helping and she had even eaten a little toaster waffle.  The ped looked at her and saw her cross eyes and said she couldn't see anything ELSE significant but the eyes were concerning and there was no way for her to rule out something bad in R's brain without imaging.  She sent us to the ER for a cat scan.  We drove straight there and I was anxious about it all the way but also felt relieved that we would get some sort of an answer.  The ER at Randall Children's Hospital in Portland was amazing.  The doc had already spoken to Dr Tara and we were set to just get and exam and a scan no pokes or extra "nonsense".  I was so glad.  About an hour later the doc came in and told us he saw what looked like a sinus infection.  He said kids have tiny sinuses and it looked like hers had some fluid in them and that was possibly trapping her nerves running to her eyes giving her the crossed eyes.  He sent us home relieved and on a course of antibiotics that should help her feel "much better in a day or two".  We followed the instructions and readied ourselves for another 48hrs of tough but better.  Two days later no one had slept and if anything R seemed worse.  She hardly ate anything, she didn't want to play and she wasn't even nursing very much.  She just wanted to be held and to cry.  I spoke to my mom and bemoaned the situation now 9 days old.  I told her it just didn't feel right.  I felt like we should have some sort of improvement by now.  I really felt like she should be looking at least a little better.  My mom told me to call the doctor.  I had a nursing test that day so I said I would call the nurse and see what she said but then I had to go take my test (on less than 3 hrs of sleep).  I called the nurse who seemed pretty unimpressed with my story and told me to stay the course and that it takes 48-72 hrs to see improvement on antibiotics.  I was frustrated but convinced myself I was being crazy and overtired and went in to take my exam.

I got home from my exam and wasn't feeling so great myself.  I spiked a fever and had some GI upset followed by debilitating body aches that made holding her nearly out of the question.  She, in turn was insistent on being held all arched and cockeyed out of my arms and I was in pain and frustrated and made G take a turn with her that night as I sweated and moaned and puked my way through.  The next morning she was a mess.  I had called and spoken to the doc again the night before and she had offered to refer us to a pediatric urgent care to get her seen but I (medic minded mother) declined the offer feeling exhausted at the thought of explaining the whole thing to another new person.  We agreed on an office visit in the morning with the caveat of a trip back to the ER in the night if things got scary. 

The next morning, sitting in the pediatricians office waiting room R was draped across my lap quiet and miserable.  She was grunting as she breathed and looked like a limp rag doll.  We walked into the exam room and the Dr took one look at us and said she wanted the senior doc to take a peek as well.  Five minutes later the decision had been made.  Nobody knew what this was, it was not right, it was more than a sinus infection and it was time to go to the hospital for a big scary work up.  I was too exhausted to cry but I was completely scared. 

Friday, March 8, 2013

Just a breath of air

I am SO far behind in my blogging.  It makes me sad really.  I had so hoped to be keeping up better with some of the things I am experiencing this first year of motherhood....alas, I work a swing shift, am more than full time in school and we have one computer so....yeah,....there's that too.  Anyway, my dear loving mother is here visiting.  Ramona just turned ONE!  Holy fucking shit!  Pardon my French but when did that happen?! Nobody asked ME if she could walk, talk, tell me "no".  She is on and off sleeping.  On and off eating like a viking and generally rules my world with one hand tightly grasping my heart at all times.  I am blissfully happy and also so fucking tired.  I am EX-HAUS-TED!  It is not the baby it is my life.  I am running two races at once right now with school so highly prioritized.  I want to be done with my RN before she turns 18mo.  I want to be making us more money for less hours spent away.  I am ready to attend to families and to continue in my quest.  All that said, I am ready for a god damned nap too.  My brain is balking at the extra effort I require of it.  My body is a mess.  I am feeling like a cookie left on the counter too long.  Crumbly, dried out, not particularly desirable.  Things with the Hubs are good and strained intermittently.  We are both doing our best to keep up but we are tired.  We are trying to learn to run at this new faster pace in order to get to a better place but we fall down and scrape knees and get frustrated in the fog, thinking we are running alone and the other one MUST be walking because we can't SEE how hard they are working to keep up.  I know it sounds like I need a major priority check but I assure you that is not the case.  If I can just get over this wall there IS a better existence for us on the other side.  One where we can prioritize family and time and and and....I just have to keep my head down and keep charging the waves that threaten to drown me.  More as soon as I can because BOY oh BOY do I have reflections.