Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Reality

At my doctor's office today for an infected toe. "Oh my gosh! You look great! How's mommy life?!". "Great! She is amazing, G is amazing, aside from three months of thrush its a dream come true, really.". "Mah!, thrush is no big deal. Once you stop nursing it will go away.". I love my doctor but that was such a dude thing to say. Even the nurse rolled her eyes when he left and said "You can tell he never nursed!"

Friday, September 21, 2012

7 Months

You are strong and opinionated
You are wise and very old
My favorite traveling companion
The sweetest touch to my cheek
My alarm clock and my lullaby
Story teller and audience
A tiny mirror to my best intentions
My motivation to work harder, to love myself more, to try try try

In the past seven months you have crumbled old walls and awakened the siren call of a future I had nearly forgotten to go get. Everything is different my dear.
Faster and less busy
Exhausted and more alive
Simpler in this complex new web
I thought "this is survival!" but I now understand this is living.

You have expanded us and boiled us down to what is more important. We walk just to walk now, not only to arrive. You have made it clear to us, the walk is just as rich as the arrival.

Thank you for my home, my family
Thank you for this new love pouring out of me and my new eyes
It is beautiful here
All sleepy and grinning
I kiss your head and fall in love
A thousand times a day

Friday, September 7, 2012

The Space Created By Exhaustion

Having a baby is a lot of work. News flash right? I thought so. But truly. The first three months are weapons grade exhausting and then things get easier just for a bit while life starts to catch up. I went back to work at five months but the Hubbs stayed home for six weeks so I came home to dinners and a happy baby and didnt have to worry about child care... Pretty dreamy. In addition, he is an amazing dad so I only really had to worry about me. Tiny girl hardly noticed I was gone.

Anyway, this past few weeks have been totally beautiful and exhausting. Tiny girl is learning to crawl. She gets up on hands and knees and rocks back and forth. She works so hard. She has been waking up at night to practice this too. She wakes at 1 and is up until 3 or 4. It is insane. She is happy and chirping and awake.

I occasionally freak out in the middle of the night when this is happening. I loose my composure and the sleep deprived self centered teenager erupts saying things like "I cant take it! She wont go back to sleep!" and "This is bullshit! Your turn" followed by me handing a happily squawking baby to the Hubbs and bailing out to the guest room for at least a few hours before she needs to nurse again. In those moments I feel so much emotion bubbling up inside and I just spark like a blown fuse. I loose perspective in the grey half light of dawn.

I have been reading a really awesome blog https://unraveledword.wordpress.com
And this mother is exploring spirituality through the lens of parenting. She has some really amazing observations but none yet have struck me as deeply as that about parenting, exhaustion and the work it does on ego.

I lived my entire life in a state of duality. I thought about everything all the time. How I looked, what I wanted, what my thoughts and desires said about me. I was constantly observing myself and levying judgement upon myself for every little thing. In addition I spent a great deal of time labeling things good/bad/neutral. I would find myself happy or sad or exhausted and very self indulgently spend all day grasping or rejecting or ignoring whatever it was. I was working hard to manage and control my experiences. Then I had a baby....

I have never spent so much time being totally present. It is very much as if there is nowhere else to be. I find myself too exhausted to manage and to in love to reject. All that is left is being right on the spot. Loving something so much and being so exhausted seem to cancel out eachother. I am pinned to the now or maybe freed to the now is a better expression of it. It is amazing to feel myself want something or need something but then to know that it is just not going to happen right now because Tiny needs something mire important. In my past that would have been too much. I would have bitched and whined and been miserable. The constant demands on me physically and mentally are grinding away at my sense of 'Me' as I have known for so long. I no longer think of myself as the pinnacle of importance I once did. Now, I have others I want to give to. Others I want to see happy and at ease. This is not to say I dont care about myself or I no longer have an identity. No, I still have some of that. It just doesnt seem to hold the same value anymore. It is no longer SO important to protect my 'ME'. She is tough, she is soft, she loves others more than herself (most of the time). These glimpses into 'Now' and more distilled Bodichitta are beautiful and quite ordinary. I find them most clearly in the days following the most sleepless nights. I have no choice but to get up and once I do there is so much to fall in love with it becomes hard to remain miserable.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Learning to trust myself

A little while ago I was sleep deprived and looking for answers to help me help tiny sleep better. She has never slept through the night. She is six and a halfish months old and I was certain it was my "fault" that she was still waking 3-4 times between 8pm and 6am. I was looking through my library and found a book on all things baby. It promised to help me troubleshoot everything from sleep to solids. Awesome. After reading about half of it I started to feel a cold panic set in. It talked about co-sleeping and night nursing as obstacles and encouraged a modified cry it out method to help teach my baby how to put herself to sleep. I started to feel like a bad mom. Some of my favorite things about our laid-back attachment parenting approach (co-sleeping, nursing on demand, no rigid sleep/wake/feed schedule, lots of cuddle time) were being listed as potential roots of my baby's "problem". I started spiraling into a tornado of self doubt.

I told the Hubbs that we needed to start her on a more strict schedule and we needed to start putting her down and letting her fuss a bit more if she wakes up at night. I told him we need to start trying to get her to sleep without feeding her. I was feeling dizzy with anxiety and insecurity. I was a horrible mother! I was coddling my baby and ruining her!! I collapsed into bed on the fourth day, crying and feeling utterly crappy. Then I called my mom buddy J. I told her everything and told her what the book said and how awful I was and what a terrible parent I was. She said "Listen to me and don't get upset but this might sound harsh and I don't mean it to. You are one of the most intuitive moms I know. You have a great relationship with R and she is a happy, confidant, well adjusted kid. She is little. If she needs you she probably needs you. She's not waking up to be a jerk. I dont think this book knows you or your baby. It doesnt sound quite right for you". I was taken aback. She was right. I had made it six months without killing or obviously damaging this tiny person. Hell, for a six month old she was really very happy. Hardley ever cries, happy with other people, puts herself to sleep really REALLY well. So far, all signs point to "doing a pretty good job with this mom thing". Why, all of the sudden, am I now going to trash all of that and decide I am a horrible parent who is ruining my daughter?

I decided to take my dear friend's observation and advice and continue to listen to my own inner compass and intuition. I know my baby and she knows me. She trusts me and G to be there for her, to feed her when she is hungry, cuddle when she is in need and not to abandon her at night or any other time. Sorry baby trainer lady! It just wasnt going to work for us. I know a lot of parents who have had success with varying degrees of cry it out but I just couldn't and really didn't think it was necessary. I opted to trust myself, trust my baby and take it day by day.

We dont nurse to sleep. She has her own sleeping space. She is allowed time to self soothe and fuss a bit without anyone rushing right in. But we dont let her cry. Her fuss and cry are very different and she really only cries when something is wrong (diaper, hungry, cold, pain, very tired, too long in car seat). I dont want her to have to feel like bedtime is so sad that she has to cry. I DO want her to learn to calm herself and soothe herself. So here is how we do it and it is working like a charm. Around 7-715 she gets changed into jammies and disposable diaper. We then head upstairs and sing a few songs and maybe read a book. Final top off nursing is next and then she goes into her bed (sidecar co-sleeper). While she is calm and quiet I let her roll around snuggling up to her "sweet puppy" blanket. I lay in bed nearby but dont interact. I dont talk or pat or shush or anything. If she seems to be wound up and struggling I will put my hand on her back and discourage her from rolling all over and say "its time for sleep. I love you" once. I keep my hand there only until she stops struggling against it as I want her to fall asleep "free" to move in any way she feels most comfortable. Most nights she doesn't need my hand or any words at all but plenty of nights she'll doze off and wake up and look to see if I am there. Once she sees me she falls quickly back asleep.

The bottom line is she is a baby. She is only 6 months old and she still needs us. I dont have a problem with that. I do want to keep working on expanding her capacity for independence ESPECIALLY emotionally. I want her to trust we will always be there but also feel confidant that she doesnt always need us. I never imagined cultivating and supporting a strong, tender nature would start so soon. But maybe thats the ticket. Dont wait until your kiddo is three or seven or fifteen to try to teach independence, self reliance, trust and emotional intelligence. Start the day they are born. Listen to them (different from listening to your wants and wishes for them). Listen and observe what they are asking for and what they are capable of on their own. It will delight and astound you.