Mindfulness in every day life.

I couldn't possibly catch up on everything that has happened since my last post, in one post.  I am not going to try except to say that life has been wonderful, challenging, exhausting, inspiring, educational and humbling.  I don't mean to sound negative at all when I say motherhood is like sandpaper to my ego and preconceived notions.  Motherhood wears away at all of those things slowly and sometimes quickly but constantly always rubbing, rubbing, rubbing it down and changing the surface of it.  Motherhood has made me such a different person in so many ways.  I care so much more than I ever thought I could about things like where my kid's food comes from and how I choose to speak to her about just about anything.  I care so much less than I ever expected about other things like what my mother thinks about my extended breastfeeding and my gradual weaning of a toddler.  I feel like everything I do with her and for her matters.  Some of it matters a lot more or less but it all matters. 

In my study of Buddhism there is a thing you do when you go to retreat called Oryoki.  It is a mindfulness practice for eating.  Everything you do and every way you move is prescribed.  The goal is to practice bringing awareness to even the minutia of how you hold your spoon.  The idea is to become more mindful of all the ways you move in the world and to let that permeate into your thoughts and speech and so on.  While my practice of meditation has been seriously lacking in the last two years my practice of mindfulness has been daily.  My life is permeated, if not totally, at least largely, by the mindfulness brought to me by the sandpaper of motherhood.

The Huz and I had talked a LOT about how we wanted to raise a kid and when she appeared to us as a daughter we talked about how to foster self reliance and strength to counter the culture's prevailing message that girls are weak and dependent and fragile.  We talked about how to address things from bonked knees to first broken hearts.  We decided to try out the method of giving her space when she experiences minor injuries and physical accidents, asking her if she could tell us what happened, and then offering hugs, kisses to booboos etc, and letting her decide what she needed from us.  At 1 year it looks something like this in practice: Starfish falls down while cruising the coffee table.  Bonks head on floor.  Commence super pissed off crying.  After initial assessment that there is no blood and the baby is screaming mad (medics LOVE screaming mad babies because it means they are probably just fine but at least they are not unconscious) Mom: "Sweetie did you fall? <Pause> Was that scary? <pause> Are you hurt?"  At this point I would ask her if she wanted me to pick her up OR just pick her up if precariously positioned.  Mom: "What happened?" Baby:"Wahhhh *babble, shout cry, point emphatically*".  Mom: "Are you mad? Falling down can be scary.  Learning to walk can be frustrating.  I'm sorry you fell. Lets rub your bonked head and make it better".....In a two year old who has been approached with this method it looks like this; Starfish falls down and skins knee running home from a friend's house.  Baby: "Waaah!  Ouchie kneee!" *Pulls up pant leg and rubs skinned knee* "Make it better! Make it better! * kisses own hand and applies to wounded knee and then to bonked elbow. Turns and looks at mom who asks if she is ok and says "Wrunning and bonk knee.  Ouchie Knee.  Make better.  Wrunning!  Sree, Two, Wun!" and takes off running again.  Certainly your mileage may vary but in general, I believe kids can be taught to process with emotional intelligence starting very young.  Instead of always scooping her right up and freaking out about every bonked head you can give a kid some space to figure out how they feel about it and decide if they need additional resources to manage whatever it is.  Certainly sometimes she is being a toddler and she is tired and fragile and drops a matchbox car and dissolves into tears but that's actually ok as well.  She may or may not want to climb up into my lap and snuggle.  She may or may not want me to listen as she shouts about how she fell off of her bike or tripped on the front steps or stood up into the edge of the table.  But the important thing is that SHE decided what she needed and she ultimately soothed herself.  Nobody tells her to walk it off or suck it up.  Nobody forces kisses and cuddles either.  Sometimes she wants kisses on a booboo and then, still mad and crying she gets down out of my arms, and goes back to whatever she was doing, still crying.  I call it "working it out". 
Its not just for injuries or sad emotions either.  If she goes to a new place or meets new people and needs a minute or two to adjust we point that out to her quietly as well.  Mom: "Are you overwhelmed/nervous/scared?  Its ok to feel that way.  I get X sometimes too.  Do you want me to pick you up/hold your hand/sit with you for a minute?"  I think we are in such a rush all the time that we forget to pause and let change settle in.  We forget to take 30 seconds or two minutes to let a child or ourselves adjust to a new thing or a change in the plans.  We rush and rush and then wonder why we feel upset or have a stomach ache or headache later.  We don't let our mind and body connect and process ANYTHING and it shows. 

Anyway, I never anticipated becoming such a turbo hippie.  I never thought I would spend so much time fostering this little woman's emotional health and mental well-being from the start.  I read a lot of books that had one or two ideas that resonated with me about discipline or development and the rest seemed like crap or too rigid.  But, here I am....just cobbling it together the best I can.  Trying as hard as I can to have intention in the bulk of what I do because it matters.  It all matters.