Sometimes things are just hard

Life is 98% wonderful. I have a new job. I have a wonderful husband. I have 2 fantastic dogs. I am healthy. I have great friends. My family is relatively well and we all speak to one another. My in laws are some of the kindest souls alive. Life should be pretty gravy. Then why am I "so negative all of the time lately"? That was the question posed to me tonight. At the risk of really hurting any one's feelings or seeming like an ungrateful brat I will try to explain.

Things are "ultimately" wonderful but "relatively" difficult. I am sad. I am sad because my family is very very very far away. Beyond the geographical distance there is this strange and painful other, more nebulous distance that has developed over the last 2ish years. Maybe it is what growing up feels like...If so, I understand Peter Pan like never before. I was fortunate enough to get to take a trip to Florida to see my family this winter but to be honest, the two people I wanted to see most were not there. I could feel the void or maybe it was the feeling of my desire to see them...whatever. I could feel it like a fist around my heart the whole time.

I am lonely. I have been alone a LOT over the past 5 months. My schedule never syncs up with anyone else. It hasn't since summer time. I spend a lot of time by myself.

I worked my ass off in school to graduate into unemployment. I have finally landed the dream job and the sort of slimy corporate BS and arbitrary nature of the policies and their enforcement makes my teeth itch. I know it will feel differently when I make it to the part where I get to help people but for now I just dread another day in a classroom listening to the party line. I am not built for this. I am grateful but I flash back to the MMA days and it is part of why I left that whole culture to begin with. It chafes.

I am sad for some very dear friends and worried for others. I know this is not my shit to take on but when you love someone and you routinely listen to them cry about being unhappy in their relationship or job or both it breaks your heart a little knowing you are totally unable to help.

Speaking of unable to help....I have been totally unable to help around the house for months. All I do is cost money. It is a sucky feeling to know someone else has to take care of me. I hate it.

I feel like I have worked really hard and I thought I would feel like I had arrived someplace meaningful. I do not. I feel like I have fought and scrapped and failed and picked myself up to try again only to arrive at the starting line....it is a little frightening and overwhelming. What if I suck at this? What if I hate it?

I just don't feel like I have any control. I don't feel like I have anything that is MINE. It all feels very conditional and flimsy. It is scary. It is horrible. It is not something I can talk about because I don't really want anyone to know how bad I feel. I really don't want anyone to tell me it will all work out and try to brush it all away. It is not anyone elses to fix or to shoulder. It is only mine. I guess that is something that is mine...Mine is the utter lack of control over my own life. Mine is the worry over my father's cancer and my friend's happiness. Mine is the worry that I will never feel like a grown woman or feel settled. Mine is the restless worry and the fear that I will always be negative and quick to tear something apart in an attempt to feel better. Mine is the worry at noticing how automatic that response has become. Mine is the isolation I feel from even my most beloved. Mine is the disconnect I feel from a life that is 98% bliss right now...All mine is the utter fusion I feel to the other 2%. Lucky Me.

New Workout

I have been out of physical therapy for a little over a month now and things have been going really well. My shins are adjusting to the increasing distances and I am running stronger and faster than ever. I think my little "time out" was a real blessing in disguise. I learned to LOVE the gym, appreciate my physical limitations and worship cross training and strength work. It isn't the same as a nice long run outside but the elliptical is my new best friend. I have been taking the 5lb hand weights and doing hill intervals for 35-45min. It is amazing how much more you will sweat holding 10 extra pounds. I got in the habit of doing "exercise routines" at the gym while I was in PT as I had my weekly assignments for stretching and strengthening my cranky gastrocnemius and soleus. I got used to the routines and started to see a huge difference in my body and my running. As far as weight loss there is no better fuel for the fat burning fire than mobilizing muscle metabolism. As far as running, the more I focused on balance and strength training in my back, legs and core, the easier running became. I was no longer struggling to maintain my form as I ran. Including some upper body work helped me stave off fatigue and increase my pace. I also noticed that I was beginning to require less "food" (for whatever value of food "Gu" is) during my runs. I used to need a Gu on any run after about 4miles. I would start to feel cranky and spacey and like my legs were turning to cement. After I began my cross training/strength training work I noticed I was lasting longer...5-6-7miles before I need "food". In addition to all of this...I lost about 12lbs in about 8 weeks, Thank you Weight Watchers! So...this whole monologue leads me to today's point. I have done a little homework and I created a new workout routine that is T-O-U-G-H! I was drenched in sweat and exhausted by the time I was done. So without further adeu...here is the latest and greatest. Enjoy....give it a try....take on a new challenge....let me know if you do.

1. Warm up. I like anywhere from 30-50min on the elliptical sometimes with hand weights. 20 min on the bike would do the trick too.
2. BIG CIRCLES: using a 5#-20# round weight that normally goes on the end of a bench press bar, keep your arms straight, feet shoulder width apart and starting with the weight over head and the legs straight, rotate the weight in a large circle. When you get to the bottom you are in a squat. Do 5-10 to the left then repeat on the right.
3. WOOD CHOPPERS: I use a weighted squishy ball 6# for this but the same weight you used above would work. Start with feet little wider than hip width apart, arms straight. Swing the weight up over the shoulder like you would an axe or a golf club. Allow the torso to twist and the leg to pivot (sort of like a golf swing). From the top, bring the arms (straight straight!) down, across the body to the opposite side squatting down as you bring it closer to the floor. Repeat 3-10 times on one side then repeat on the opposite side.
4. PUSH-UPS: Easy: against wall Moderate: on knees Hard: old fashioned style. 5-20
5. ROLL UPS: lay flat on the ground with legs out and arms straight out over head. Starting with arms roll up (no hitching in the middle) and over, stretch over legs and roll (gracefully ; ) back down to the ground. The key with this classic Pilate's move is to keep is fluid, slow and graceful. If this is too easy add a medicine ball or do the other classic Pilates move 'The Teaser'
6. RUNNER POPS: Stand on one leg with your arms at 90 degree angle at your waist. Pull the other leg up to a 90 degree angle at hip and knee. Bend at the waist over the standing leg. You should feel like you are the roadrunner about to take off. When you bend down go slowly so that you work the balance muscles and be sure to engage your abs. Come up slowly and then repeat. 10 per side. I can't find the link to this one sorry. You are basically using the form you would be in for high knee skips but staying put. Hint: To help keep balance sink into your hip on the balance leg. Use that deep bend in the hip to anchor you.
7. ROCKET JUMPS: Squat down with your legs hip width apart and arms straight back (like you are about to take off in a rocket) repeat 10 times.
8.CROSS OVER STANDING CRUNCH: Holding the medicine ball or the squishy ball OR the 10lb round weight straighten arms reaching tall to the right. Then bring arms in and down across the body while bringing opposite knee in (you are standing on one foot). 10 on one side. 10 on other side. Go slow on this one. The ab engagement is key as is the balancing. You are strengthening all those little stabilizer muscles in your standing leg.
9. LUNGES: This should be self explanatory. 10 on R 10 on L.
10. CRUNCHES: Also self explanatory. 10-30 depending on how easy it is for you.
11. TRICEP DIP: This is like a backwards pushup. Repeat x10
12. ROW: Use the weight that feels challenging to you Repeat x10

Repeat...Be ready to feel sore in the morning. The squats and lunges will help you build some killer strength in the legs but first there will be soreness. Enjoy! Modify as you wish. I am finding it a good hard workout to do 30min on the elliptical and then three rounds of this going from one exercise to the next with as little break as possible. Get ready to sweat!

Things That Frighten Me

So, in thinking about my goals for 2011 I have run into some repeated themes of fear and uncertainty. Most of them are about as likely as "things that go bump in the night", but I am thinking that if I say them out loud, in the light of day, maybe they won't hold as much power over me or at least, maybe they won't be so loud in here any more.

I am afraid my family will fall apart. My parents are divorced (going on 7 years). They have come back around to being friends but it is still an awkward and clumsy dance most of the time. They love each other very much but with 36 years in the context of husband and wife it is hard to find new roles. That is not to say they are/ever have though of getting back together. It is just that they don't always know how to interact with one another and they get frustrated and then I get to hear about it. My father was recently diagnosed with early prostate cancer. I understand fully that prostate cancer is not a killer in 99% of men. I also understand that the side effects of the treatment can dramatically change a person's life. Incontinence, impotence, pain, issues with urination, issues with GI bleeds, the list goes on. It has been hard for my Dad to find his way to "happy" and I am not always 100% certain he knows the difference between "at peace" and "happy". I am afraid that this cancer will change his life in a way that further alters his perception of himself as a man/partner to a woman. I just don't want that for him. Beyond the change in his life, I fear that the process will cause stress for the rest of the family (KR - Dad's wonderful partner, Mom, myself). It took a while for mom and KR to get to the solid place they are now and I don't want that shaken up by my mom's take charge kinda nature or my Dad's need for his best friend as he goes through this. I know this is all a little vague but so are monsters under the bed. Fear however, is fear.

I am afraid my Mom will never move from her big house. This one is so complicated and fraught with potential misunderstanding that I think I should just say that I really want my mom nearer by. I would love for her to live in Eugene or Seattle or Bend. I would even be ok with her in the city. I know it would take a little time to settle in and make new friends but I know she would love it. I am afraid she will never move west and I KNOW I will be the one who has to care for her some day. I just want her closer so she can see her grand babies in the future....

I am afraid I will never lose the weight. I was at the gym yesterday and there was a woman there who was pretty clearly working off the baby weight and I sort of struck me..."I will gain a bunch of pregnancy weight and then I will be right back where I started from. I will never be free from this battle". Guhh! That was sort of heavy. But I fear that I will never get below 200lbs (only 9lbs away) and thus, I will be trapped in this body that doesn't match my spirit forever! (I am not saying I am a skinny girl inside. Far from it. I am a cheese fed Midwestern girl. But there is also this athlete inside who wants a shot at running faster and looking as strong as she is)

I am afraid it will never look like a grown up lives in my house. It seems a constant battle to keep the clutter at bay. I am not sure how my grown up lady friends do it. It is like I have too much shit and so it is always all spread all over the place. I need to pare down and get back to basics.

I am afraid I will suck at being a street medic.

I am afraid I will suck at driving an ambulance.

I am afraid I will not be able to get pregnant.

I am afraid of getting pregnant.

I am afraid I will never go to Africa.

I am afraid I will wake up one day unhappy.

Whoo. This is not a happy post. I am not unhappy currently. I am just reflecting and these are the recurring speed bumps. I thought putting them all together might help....I am not sure yet.

<3

A Happy New Year: Reflections on the whirlwind

I feel like 2010 was gone especially quickly. It seems like it was only yesterday that we said "I do" under the glow from Judge Judy on the TV. It also seems like a century ago. 2010 was a big damn year. Here is a little re-cap.

Sept 2009 Anna began medic school

Nov 2009 we moved into the Boston street house

Nov 2009 Anna breaks foot in Seattle Half Marathon placed on crutches for eternity

Nov 2009 we have our first real "challenge" as a couple

Dec 2009 we start seeing therapist (best idea EVER! Issues or no issues all soon to be weds should do this I swear to god!)

Dec 2009 MOM CAME TO OREGON FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

Jan 2010 GW & KJ get engaged! Holiday party at LC's house kicks off a new and wonderful friendship

Jan 2010 finally off of crutches

Jan 2010 First intubation in OR success*

Jan 2010 Beerlopement a huge success...**

Feb 2010 therapist gently informs us that we have "graduated"

Feb 2010 School.....Work....School....

March 2010 School.....work....school.... School 5 days a week and work 7p-7a 3 days a week you do the math.***

April 2010 I don't even remember what (if anything) we did for my birthday last year... sad?

May 2010 SPRING arrives in time for a "delayed twin" birthday celebration that leaves me with a house full of drunken paramedics, a cut garden hose, broken light bulbs and foot prints on the roof....great party!

May 2010 I decide to get with the program and try to shed a few lbs for the wedding

June 2010 family drama has us both wishing we had stopped at the beerlopement.

June 2010 Anna scoots home to Maine to help say goodbye to beloved Cede.

June 2010 really kick ass camping trip with the dogs and a hodgepodge of buddies to Timothy Lake...ends with news that we have 90 days to find a new place to live as our lease will not be renewed (has nothing to do with afore mentioned party I swear!)

June 2010 we realize we are "ready" (as we will ever be) to buy a house in NoPo

June 2010 Anna begins internship in the city M327!! Stops working other than occasional shifts here and there.

July 2010 we find beautiful house and start the really much more involved than I ever realized process of home buying. New friendship with KJ forged and solidified in the fires of packing up my kitchen!

July 2010 run worst half marathon in personal history. Last three miles included looking up at the Man with tears running down face saying "I just really need to be done". Thus marking the last half marathon we run together in 2010.

July 2010 house closing falls through several times because banks suck the big one on this sort of thing....Anna gets drugged and sent to sleep in the guest room in an effort to keep her from destroying the house or saying things that might get her arrested. Utter exhaustion is to blame.

August 2010 HOUSE CLOSES!!! WE MOVE IN!! HOTTEST DAY OF THE WHOLE DAMN YEAR!!!

August 2010 The Man works crazy shifts in the city and on the mt to keep us afloat.

August 2010 family drama continues to make us think we should call the whole show off and send the offenders to their rooms without supper.

August 2010 Anna works an insane amount of 24hr shifts in a desperate attempt to complete internship before wedding. FIELD INTUBATION HUUUUGE SUCCESS!!

Sept 2010 Anna completes internship mere days before leaving to test in CO.

Sept 2010 Anna skips graduation. Doesn't feel very bad about it either...

Sept 2010 The Man goes on a wildfire for 10 days and makes major bank while having fun

Sept 2010 Anna tests in CO and returns home a PARAMEDIC!!!

Sept 2010 LUKEN ARRIVES!!! MOM ARRIVES!! 2 weeks until wedding!

Sept 2010 Despite stern warning to the contrary, bachelor party rages out of control leaving Man incapacitated and at the mercy of his (beside herself) wife and (very unimpressed) mother in law. Next day not so much better....lots of vomiting.

Sept 2010 WEDDING DAY!!! It rained so hard I thought about calling off wedding and arranging an ark building party instead but I already had a dress so the show went on...****

Sept 2010 we both realize our community of friends is so much more wonderful and supportive than we ever could have imagined and we spend some serious time feeling profoundly overwhelmed with gratitude.

Sept 2010 the dust settled and people flew home....sad.

Oct 2010 the accidental housewife loses her shit...Souper Simple is born from my mamma's brilliant idea.

Oct 2010 Amy runs PDX FULL MARATHON and kicks ass. Anna runs the last 13mi and realizes its time to get going again....stand by for shinsplints so bad they require 2 months of PT.

Oct 2010 Anna begins to make $$ for Christmas prezzy for the Man by making soup

Oct 2010 job interview with Woodburn. Goes great except they don't have a full time spot and the commute would likely KILL me.

Nov 2010 The Man has a sit down with me about the pouty, pissy, depressed cloud over my head. Says the very wise words "It is time to get up and get on with it now. You have rested long enough." I took those words to heart and have not stopped since.

Nov 2010 Anna joins WW and starts to drop some pounds. Also begins thinking about a family in the not so far off future.

Nov 2010 word comes in that the 'Big Company' is hiring...dilemma much?

Dec 2010 interview with 'BC' goes well...now just waiting.

Dec 2010 Half Marathon. Lots of fun. PR. No crying this time ; )

Dec 2010 we go to FL to see my family and to relax on the beach for a few days together. Trip includes barefoot running on the sand, job offer coming through, wonderful reconnection with my uncle, tears on the trip home over my expectations vs reality.

Dec 2010 Christmas in Eugene with the "other parents". Wonderful, lovely, loving, over the top as always.

Dec 2010 Congratulate good friend on new pregnancy/congratulate other friend on new baby boy.

Dec 2o1o what was slated to be a short trip to the woods for a night of fun became a three day adventure including relearning how to cross country ski and making new friends. This was the best trip I have taken in years. I had more fun in these three days than I have had in a VERY long time.

Dec 2010 NYE spent with a wild bunch of buddies dancing to the tunes of the 1990's.

Jan 2011 Run a really fun "race" (if you can even call it a race) with two really amazing women. Have time of my life in 28degree weather and spend the next two days sick in bed....

It has been a huge year. I am writing a letter to myself about this past year because I think it was full of a lot of important stuff and I should take some time to really reflect upon it mindfully. I will let you know what I come up with....for now, I leave you with my short list of wishes/goals for 2011

-Run 1000miles this year

-Complete Eugene full Marathon uninjured

-Continue to slim down in a smart and healthy way

-Paint my bedroom

-Host 3 potlucks that are NOT my/the Man's birthday or other "us" holidays

-Learn some ASL from new friend GVS

-Pay off my credit card and make a dent in my school loans

-Save 3,000$ in a rainy day fund

-Put money away to go to Africa before we start trying to get pregnant

-Talk about our getting pregnant timeline (Nov/Dec)

-Continue to cultivate the beautiful friendships all around me.

-Continue to work on my relationship with my Mom. It is getting so good!

-Continue to work on being a supportive wife and partner to the Man in ways that HE feels are supportive and helpful not only in ways that I think he should find supportive and helpful (BIG DIFFERENCE)

-Work on becoming a "good" paramedic...Eeep!