Favorite Bits 2011

2011 was a pretty huge year.  I will venture to say it has been one of the best years of my life.  Looking back now, I can't believe it has come and gone so quickly.  2010 was hard.  School, 2 moves, wedding planning, unemployment...It was just tough.  2011 has been the year of great fortune.  As I look around my warm little house I see and recall things that make me full to bursting with gratitude.

There are two snoring dogs.  One in a chair by the window and the other with her head resting on the windowsill....They are healthy, they are SPOILED, they are sweet.

The tiny Christmas tree in the corner symbolizes the celebrations of community that have taken place within the wall of this house this year.  We have celebrated love, family, holidays, friendship, food, one another's good fortune and hope for the future.  The walls of this house have been painted with the colors of community and the rooms are light with the glow of friendship and love.

The running shoes on the rack in the back hallway remind me of the excellent health and the healthy sense of adventure shared by my most immediate family.  G and AKMB and I have had a stellar year of adventure and self exploration.  Running Forest Park 50k should MAYBE be second to my pregnancy with my first child but to be perfectly honest they are tied.  Something inside of me changed forever when I ran FP50.  I will never doubt myself again.  Sure, I will have my moments but I met myself on the trail and turns out I am made of some pretty strong stuff and I am capable of being ready for hard things not simply surviving them.  FP has given me sooo much strength to not just exist through this pregnancy but to carry a sense of wonder and a deep appreciation for the difference between pain and suffering and who's choice it is which one you experience.  It has really shaped the way I approach being pregnant and planning for the arrival of this little one.  I am not sure there could be better training than running LONG. That said, there is also a pride in myself that came with FP50k.  It has nothing to do with babies or the future.  It has everything to do with feeling like a real and true athlete at the end of the day.  I am looking forward to being a mom but I am looking forward to running another 50k very soon too.

My husband's bag by the door reminds me how jaw droopingly fortunate I am to be married to such a wonderful man.  It sounds so cheesy and cliche but I don't care.  He is the most loving, gentle, kind, patient, respectful, nurturing, non-annoying, level headed, joyful, curious, soulful, curious, passionate, dedicated person I know.  He is almost never on time for anything, can't get the basement organized to save his soul and and often has the attention span of a hummingbird but that doesn't even begin to overshadow how much I love him.  I have to admit that I never expected to love him this much.  I didn't know you could feel this way about a person.  I can't fathom my world without him.  I can't WAIT to see him become a dad.  He really is my best friend.  I have no idea how I got so lucky.  I have no idea how we ended up here, together but I thank every star in the sky that we did.

My bag by the door reminds me of how fortunate I am to have the job I have.  I caught a baby on Thanksgiving, I saved and old man from choking to death on a cinnamon roll this summer and I have had the honor of meeting and helping over a hundred other people in the last year.  I know I complain about the flaws in the system but I also deeply appreciate the chance to work in a job where I have an AWESOME partner, progressive protocols, darn good equipment and a goal of helping people.  It is not my end goal but it is pretty sweet for now.

The socks on my feet make me think about my mother and how glad I am that we have the relationship we have these days.  It was hard fought back about 6 years ago.  We struggled to understand one another and to have patience with our own imperfections and tolerance for what we saw as the other's imperfections as well.  Now, she is one of my very best friends and another person I can't imagine being without.  She is 3500 miles away and that SUCKS but we are in a better place now than we have been in years and years and I just thank her for all of her hard work and the things she taught me as a kid that have helped me become the woman I am now.

The little painting of the ocean sitting on my mantle makes me think of my Dad.  He is the one I must thank for my FINALLY learning a bit of patience and equanimity.  He introduced me to mindfulness over and over again.  When it finally started to stick, in my twenties, he never said "boy, what took you so long?"  He has always been a beacon of unconditional love.  Where mom taught me strength and courage, dad taught me gentleness and quiet.  I am starting to be able to appreciate and harness both sides of myself in becoming this "adult" and I am so grateful for the guidance and gentleness he has offered even when it was the last thing I wanted to hear.

My "Local" family was here last night and the stack of baby clothes and books next to me on the ottoman stand as proof.  They are the most enthusiastic, loving bunch.  I could not have married into a sweeter group of people if I had hand picked them.  I didn't just get a wonderful loving husband but a whole TRIBE of people came with him.  From his lovely parents who treat me like one of their own even when I am tired and cranky, to his friends from childhood who put their arms around me and welcomed me into the fold.  I married into a VILLAGE of love and joy.

The house is half a wreck from Christmas yesterday but underneath the paper and the boxes the floor is swept and the clutter mostly controlled.  There is a photo album on the table with pictures spanning 30+ years and letters to the new baby on every page.  This is from my sister-in-law.  She is the penultimate behind the scenes miracle worker.  This woman has no idea what she does for this house and this family on a regular basis.  She is a very hardworking member of the child protective services team, she spoils the dogs rotten, she cleans the house for us during the work week and she is a constant reminder that mind over matter really makes the sun shine even in the midst of an Oregon winter.  Her generosity and unflagging good nature is even present during times of crisis and personal struggle.  She reminds me to try harder to keep my chin up and to try harder to keep my eye my list of "things I am thankful for".  She is also probably my favorite person to give gifts to as they always seem to be "JUST WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR".  She is the prize in the already delicious cracker jack box of this family I married into.

There are many other people and things I am grateful for.  They are too numerous to list.  The point is, I am fucking blessed.  This year has been a dream.  I am growing a healthy person inside of me, my community is growing all the time in meaningful and beautiful ways, I am continuing to learn new things and to be touched by the world around me.  My family is happy and fulfilled.  My house is warm and beautiful.  I can't think of anything I need that I don't have.  I think I will just sit and cherish this feeling for a little while.  I hope 2012 is full of wonder and love for all of you.  I hope that good fortune and easy times roll in with the chiming of the clock.  Thank you for 2011.  Happy New Year.

Maybe a little space from work will be good

Welcome to week 31.  I have sort of a mixed bag of attitude this week.  I am starting to feel tired.  Like tired all the time.  I have the desire to get up and go do something but my body is just like "waaahhh".  I am not sleeping very well anymore either.  I have a hard time getting comfortable and when I finally DO get comfortable I have to pee an hour later.  I know all of this is part of it.  I am just tired.  I feel like it would be so great to get one night's sleep....like prepregnancy, uninterrupted 8hours of sleep.  I honestly can't remember what it is like to sleep through the night without getting up to pee.  I feel like it is possible that I am only making that up....Did it ever really happen?

I only have 2 more 3 day rotations at work and then I am done.  I am fretting about all the paperwork.  I just want to get my 60% pay so that I can help our family stay afloat.  I am not sure what I will do with myself for 6 weeks but I have to think that anything is better than sitting all wadded up in the ambulance with swollen feet and an aching back from lifting people who don't need an ambulance nearly as much as they need a social worker and a lock on the fucking fridge.  I want to clarify that I am not a sizist.  I am NOT small myself and 31lbs of "baby weight" hasn't helped things much.  I am a laziest.  I fucking hate lazy people.  I hate people who do not take care of themselves and literally are eating themselves to death and then call 911 because they are too lazy to get a primary care doctor to look at their foot pain.  I hate the lazy people who can't walk, thanks to their own doing, who then call 911 for a taxi ride for some bullshit nonemergency.  I am an EMERGENCY MEDICAL PROVIDER!  This is AN AMBULANCE.   We are here to take care of people who are DEATHLY ILL/MORTALLY WOUNDED/DYING IN FRONT OF US.  We are not cabbies for 400lb men with ITCHY FEET who no longer feel like walking down the stairs and want us to carry them (Real call 2 weeks ago).  We are not social workers for  380lb women who DIDN'T LIKE WHAT THE CLINIC DOCTOR SAID ABOUT MY YEAST INFECTION ("No, I didn't take the medicine he told me to it cost like 20$!" as she slurps her jack in the box big gulp with her hand in a bag of cheddar popcorn sitting in front of her big screen TV watching extended cable) I WANT TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM BUT I CAN'T WALK SO YOU NEED TO PUT ME ON YOUR LITTLE BED THINGY.  I can't make this shit up people.  My partner and I MAYBE weigh as much as these people put together.  They want ME to carry them while they keep eating....I am SOOOOOOO burned out on this one.  I went home early last week with a back strain after this last call.  I was so afraid I was truly injured and not just tweaked.  I got so mad.  If I get hurt and can't work or can't function normally because someone who is NOT SICK calls 911 and wants to be carried I am going to climb a fucking bell tower.  I honestly think this is what is wrong with America.  The customer service nation.  It is a fucking crime how we enable people to be blobs of rotting flesh and then we are supposed to smile and act like we are not physically BREAKING our bodies just to move theirs.....OK Ok. I will stop.  I have nothing nice to say so I stop.  But honestly folks.  Go for a walk.  Swap out a sprig of broccoli for a french fry once in a while.  If you are truly hurt or sick I will be the kindest woman in the world to you.  I will make your momma look like a cold woman.  If you make an effort, take a walk or eat a salad every once in a while I will respect your efforts no matter how they do or don't pay off.  But if you sit there dying in your own body, expecting others to move you around in this world and wipe your ass because you can't put down the fucking Doritos I am sorry, you are killing me, raping the health care system and not worth my time.  If you don't care enough about you why should I put myself on disability for you?  And that IS a real question.

Ok, well, this wasn't supposed to be a vitriolic rant but there it is....I guess it is good that I am going to be taking a break from work.  I just get chapped that they want me to endanger myself and my yet to be born babe in the name of customer service....

I am off to the pool.  I have heard women report they swim and then pee off all the extra water they are carrying around.  I need some of that.  I can barely recognize my own ankles.

A Little Christmas Whining

I know it is Christmas Eve and all is supposed to be merry and bright but I am swollen and tired. With about 8-12 weeks left I am still happily cooking this little turkey but I am definitely becoming aware that pregnancy is an endurance event. I have hit the third trimester at the tail end of my work stretch and I am getting tired. My joints hurt often. My hips and the joint that connects my pelvis and my sacrum (sacroiliac joint for you anatonerds out there) is cranky a LOT. I get up from sitting or from bed and have to walk gingerly for a few steps while things settle. My hips are starting to get sick of being the only show in town for sleeping. I even have a body pillow but side sleeping for 5 months when you are naturally a tree frogging belly sleeper makes your usually agreeable hips resentful. I am back to needing naps during the day or risk suffering mainframe shutdown. This was a common occurrence in first trimester often accompanied by crying or obsessive worry over nothing. I am happy to report this trimester it is mostly just crushing exhaustion that comes after a day of what my alter ego would call "normal life". I am not "upset" per say. I am more a little wistful for my bygone days of sleep as solid as a tree trunk and as deep as the north Atlantic. If I had known my sleep was going to be so patchy and uncomfortable I would have paid better attention to the last few bliss full nights while I had them. Another fun thing is the swelling. I think it might be time to watch my salt intake as I have woken up with my face feeling swollen the last two days. It goes away after a water bottle and several trips to the bathroom but it is damned uncomfortable. It makes my fingers and feet ache too. I am looking at three more work rotations. I work 4 on 4 off so that means 24 more days until I am done. I am ready to be done. Work is hard and uncomfortable and makes it hard for me to find the energy or strength to do the things I need to do like get to the friggen pool, meditate, read about breast feeding, set up the baby's room. I have a lot to do in the mental and physical world and those 5-8 weeks are going to fly by. I had been worried about working the last three rotations but I have a buddy in his premed period who will be off of school for a few weeks over the break. He is a part timer and looking for shifts. He happily took my 4th day for the next 2 weeks and I need to offer him the last one as well. A 3 day week is much more manageable for my body right now. Thank GOD or Garry. I am not sure what I would have done otherwise. Probably cry and spend several days pay on expensive massages. :) Anyway, I am chugging along. Sort of perpetually tired, and swollen and in need of a bathroom. I would not change a THING. My pregnancy has been so easy compared to some. I am a very blessed woman. I have the best husband in the whole wide world. He understands (somehow) that I am working round the clock on this kiddo and he has no expectations of me except to take the best care I can of myself and to ask for help when I need it. He is always supportive of a nap or a snack and always very supportive when I manage to accomplish something around the house. Why, just the other night we cleaned the house like CRAZY and then had a 14 person dinner party. It was awesome. I was totally exhausted the next day. I know this is not the hard part and the hard part is the sleep deprivation where you are also getting shat on, yelled at and robbed of your vital nutrients for the production of the yelling and the shitting.... but, I am excited for that phase. At least then, I will be able to sleep on my belly. :)

30 weeks?

So, tomorrow this baby will be 28 weeks old meaning I have been "technically pregnant" for 30 weeks. I am still feeling pretty good. I am however, starting to get little fears here and there about the whole labor and birth thing. I was sure I would always ONLY be afraid of the being a mom part. I am getting nervous about the before part as the clock ticks down. I know in my gut that I am more than capable of this. I know that my body has done nothing but show me it is ready and willing. From the very moment we got pregnant I have been awash in hormones and physical changes indicating that I am in fact, as G insisted, built for this. I can't tell you exactly what it is but for those of you who run or participate in any type of performance or competetive sport like distance running, I am nervous and scared in the same way you get before a big show or race or game. I am starting to think about the "starting line" and wondering if I have done everything I need to to be ready, have I trained properly? The answer is "you won't know until you cross the finish line". And I won't. I won't know the day I go into labor, I won't know when I start pushing or when the pain gets real. I won't know when the midwives arrive or when my mom gets here. I won't know if I trained properly until I am done pushing and holding this child in my arms for the first time. Then and only then will I know if I did it "right". I don't mean "right" like "I succeeded in my attempt at home birth, or natural vaginal birth or even vaginal birth with medical intervention". I mean did I train and work with my mind in an appropriate and helpful way so that I was able to weather the storm of labor, no matter how it unfolds? Was I able to keep my center and remain present for the process? Was I able to remember the difference between pain and suffering? Its all very unknown at this point and I think that groundlessness is both frightening and wonderful. It is like being told you are going on a trip, being given a general guide of what to pack and then told you have to wait 10-12 weeks until someone knocks on your door and says "yup, grab your shit. We are off to the airport"

So, in all of this there have continued to be interesting, comical, distressing and gross phisical changes. I no longer sleep very well. As comfortable as my bed is I am hot, have to pee and feel like the mattress is too soft and it is always a major chore to get myself OUT of bed. I am always leaking something from somewhere....yeah, yuck. Pregnancy farts....hilarious but absolutely disgusting. Like clear the dogs out of the entire upstairs of the house disgusting. Poor Hubbs. And just recently, when I cough, cry, see a sweet baby, run a stressful call or hear my husband say something sweet to me my breasts leak. This is very new and I was a little freaked out at first. I called my mom and told her and her voice went up and entire octive and she said how great it is. Apparently it is a good indicator that my desire to breastfeed will very likely be fufilled. She says it is a good indicator that my body is producing the hormones and the "stuff" I will need to not just feed this baby but to get this baby out. I remain dubious but am always more believing when she sounds suprised and her voice goes up like that. Anyway, things are changing rapidly. It is good. I am more ready every day to meet the little starfish. I have no idea how I am going to do this "parent" thing but I am feeling ever more ready to give it a try. Most of all, I just can't wait to smell this little creature and hold them in my arms for the first time.

Ok, time to jump in the shower and run some errands. I have 14 people coming to my house for dinner tonight! Aahhhh! I hope this finds you all well. Sorry for the overshares. Happy Holidays.

Third Trimester

So here we are in the big Third! Awesome. I am both shocked that it is here and relieved that it is here. I feel enormous. Work is sort of a chore and I am so freaking tired from work (sitting on my ass) that I am not exercising as much as I should to feel good. I need the pool! Anyway, I was just reading something about the third trimester and I got those "pre-race" butterflies. I am not nearly as nervous about labor and birth as I am about just making it these last 10 weeks. I am not doing very well being uncomfortable and the thought of gaining more weight and getting bigger and clumsier is a little frightening to be honest. I know this baby has about 5-8 more lbs to gain and I am like holy mother of god, where the fuck am I going to put 8 more lbs of baby out in front of me? Yeah, I am overwhelmed. That said, it is 2am and I am in bed half asleep in frog pyjamas (Tom Robbins anyone?). I should likely just go to bed so I can be well rested to fall asleep on the massage table in a few hours.

Adventure through pregnancy

Yesterday we packed up the car, the dogs, some snacks and some snowshoes and we headed to the mountain. On the way up we picked up a buddy and we hit the trail. There is a loop well known and loved by a group of us out around Trillium lake. Many people know this loop but it is special to us 'select few' who know Dave. Dave was my husband's work partner for 2 years. He was also JD's partner for a few years. Dave is sort of the coolest guy I know. He lives in "the shed", a hand built shack (hippie shack so it is actually quite lovely) out in the Mt Hood National Forest. It snows up there from Nov-Mayish and for a large part of that time Dave can't drive his car in to his house so he skis. Dave is 65 and in better cardiovascular condition than 90% of America's high schoolers. So, Dave lives out there. 4(?) years ago we went out for the first time and we took Dave a nice bottle of wine and some chocolate as a "thanks for taking us around the lake" gift. He promptly opened the wine shared it amongst the 5 of us and then we went around the lake. I was totally buzzed by the halfway point. It was hilarious. I remember saying to my friend Liz "I would totally exercise more if it always involved a jar of 2007 Cabernet.

Last winter we went out for "just one night" over new years to see Dave and his daughter and her boyfriend (who are our age). We packed up food and bedding and dogs. Dave rents a cabin for new years and his family usually comes up for a week. Well, not many of his family could make it last year so he made an open invitation. We went out for a night, had so much fun G called in sick for the next day and we stayed for 4 days of snowventures. It was the best holiday celebration I have had in my whole adult life. cross country skiing, snowshoeing, playing boardgames, bitter bitter ass cold outside, warm cozy wood stove inside, my dogs utterly exhausted twice a day, homemade Kaluha, delicious food and really lovely people. I very, literally could not have had a better time.

So, yesterday....we got out to the trail with JD and saw how packed all of the snow was and decided that we likely didn't need to use the snowshoes so we hauled them down the big steep hill and buried them in the snow (in case we wanted them for the ascent back to the car). The dogs ran around like crazy wild animals and we hiked. It was AWESOME. Dave wasn't home. He was in the city for the day but we carried his wacky mt spirit with us anyway and had a great time.

My body felt good. After the first major hill (sort of slippy and icy) my pelvis had that "old familiar feeling of achy in front but it wasn't unmanageable so I didn't really slow down. I engaged what abs I have left and kept charging away on the trail. I made some creative potty stops (what else is new?) and we finished the 5 mile loop in just about 2 hours.

I realized yesterday that I am officially in 3rd trimester. 29 weeks! Holy shit! Where has the time gone? I am seriously looking at meeting this little one any time in the next 8-12 weeks. That may seem like plenty of time to you.....but I am ticking time bomb of EVERYTHING I KNOW IS ABOUT TO CHANGE! 8 weeks seems like a drop of water in the ocean of time. In spite of that, I am still pretty happy with my body and its capacity. I wish I had/have been working out more but honestly, work has me so damned tired that I need almost all the sleep and mellow, feet up days I can get. Getting sick for the last 2.5 weeks also really blew. I am still coughing but thankfully not feeling as shitty as I had been. I went to the doctor TWICE for this horrible cold. It stared out as a snotty head cold and developed into the worst chest cold I have had. Thanks pregnancy for ruling out taking drugs and an option....But to give you an idea of how bad it was I called the midwife and she wrote a prescription for narcotic cough syrup just to knock me out so I could stop coughing and get some sleep. After my 8hr blackout I WAS feeling better....Anyway, the moral of this story is supposed to be that I am feeling better and feeling GOOD about continuing to adventure through my pregnancy. I know there are women traveling the African bush and living out of WV vans as the travel across the country through pregnancy but I am just as proud of myself for my occasional trip to the pool, my near weekly "big pregnant hike" and my 4 days a week of hour or longer dog walks. I have gained (in my opinion) a fucking ton of weight (I am at 28-30lbs right now) and I don't imagine the last 8-12 weeks of pregnancy are going to be merciful with the poundage but I am doing my best to eat well. I crave green, crunchy things and fruit a LOT. I also crave chocolate which is new... I try not to overindulge but I am only human. At least its not a 3 day a week McDonald's habit or diet Mt Dew right? Right! I am just going to keep trying and hope my body can steer me mostly right. It seems to have worked so far.

Drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, exercising, taking my vitamins, staying healthy, not overdoing it at work, and remembering to cherish every second with my husband are my main priorities right now. I can't tell you how happy I am to feel that adventure is an integral part of all of that.

Maternity Photography

So, because my midwives are super rad and everyone loves them there is a very talented local photographer who already has lovely prices for a "grow" session (maternity/newborn) but is now also offering 20% off her already awesome prices for Vivante customers. Yay!

So, this leads me to think about what kind of photography I would want. Looking at a bunch of portfolios so much of it looks the same. Even more striking is that so much of it looks "sexy". I get that pregnancy is a "sensual time". Sure, you are peeing your pants, sweating, farting, burping, having heartburn, craving strange food, exhausted more often than you notice and nearly unable to roll yourself over in bed. It is the peak of sexy in my book. Now, don't get me wrong. I am into sex right now. Thank you hormones of second trimester for that one. I think it is payback for my sweet hubbs being so patient during first tri. "C'mon honey. Getting pregnant will be fun. It will take MONTHS of unprotected sex...." Fast forward to "Honey, I know it has been like 2 weeks since we have had sex but I just finished throwing up and I super need a nap...rain check?" Anyway, yeah, sexy maternity photos just don't really seem to sum up what I personally feel about my body and my life right now.

No, what I want out of some maternity pictures is POWER. I feel like a superhero right now. Since this is my personal blog I can toot my own horn a bit. I feel like a friggen' bad ass. I am MAKING A F_ING PERSON INSIDE MY BODY RIGHT NOW!! I am expanding daily to give them more room to grow. I feel them bopping around in there and they seem very strong and very healthy. As oddly shaped as I am right now I feel beautiful. Not "hey big boy" beautiful but like I am the moon in a winter sky beautiful. Round and smooth and perfectly proportioned. I don't have any sharp edges or parts that seem out of place. Sure, the back fat could take a hike but really, when I am in my birthday suit you can't tell its there. I want pictures that show how powerful I feel. Even if my feet swell and my pants sag and I have oddly combination skin right now, I feel beautiful. I don't know how this will translate into pictures but I doubt it will be with some drapey fabric and my hands in a heart over my belly....To each his own but that just doesn't feel like me right now. I want to be standing in silhouette on a mountain top somewhere....yeah, Oregon in winter...I know. But that is the gist of it. So, there you have it. My musings on maternity pics. This week marks the official end of second trimester. I will be 28 weeks on Friday. Holy shmoly! Where does the time go?

It will never be this way again

A few days a go G and I flew to California to visit my Dad and Step mom. It was a lovely mellow trip. I have been sick with a horrid cold and my Dad had some nasty stomach bug so we spent a lot of time just hanging out together drinking tea and reading and chatting. It was pretty perfect.

As G and I were leaving their house the last night for the airport it struck me. The next time I see my Dad and Kathleen, I will be someones MOTHER. The clock on this thing is really ticking. Its not bad or good. It just IS. It feels like I spent a lot of time early on wishing to get pregnant, wishing to STAY pregnant, wishing to look pregnant, wishing to feel excited about being pregnant....Now I am just wishing for time to slow down. Sure, I have swollen feet and hands, I pee my pants when I sneeze or cough to hard or have too full a bladder. My clothes fit funny. The back fat I was so happy to see leave with all of my efforts at the gym, has returned. But more than that, I am not ready for everything to be so different. I LOVE my life with my husband and my dogs. I feel pretty content with the way things are. I wouldn't mind another 6 months of how life was right before I got pregnant.

This may make me sound like a monster so hold on, before you jump to conclusions. I am beyond excited to be a mom. More to the point, to be this little person's mom. They arrived in our lives so quickly I feel there must me some very strong little soul who wants to be with us in here. I am so excited to see G become a dad. I can't wait to see our families expand to embrace this little person's presence. I can't wait to include our friends in our new family. I am very very excited to be a part of this little soul's life. But I am also so fucking not ready. I like sleep and beer and staying out with friends. I like my own agenda and impromptu total laziness. I am acutely aware that those things are going to look very different if not all together extinct here in about 3 months. And while we are discussing time lines HOLY SHIT! 3 MONTHS!?@@#$%. What about July? What about October? Where the hell has the last HALF A YEAR gone? Anyone? Anyone?

So, yeah, this is some crazy shit. It keeps getting crazier. Good I think. I will let you know. I have nesting fever and so does G. We are rapidly turning the house into a space for a baby though, there are still sharp and fragile things all over that I will have to deal with soon. For now though, I am trying to soak in the sweetness that is G and I as a pair while it lasts. He is my best friend and such a sweet partner to me. I am both excited and frightened (for selfish reasons) to see him expand to become a father. In the mean time....I am here, swollen, peeing and enjoying the glow.