Life is moving along at a fast and faster pace every day. I can hardly believe that it has been nearly 10 weeks since Ramona was born. I remember feeling like I didn't remember how 'not pregnant' felt. Now I am having a harder and harder time remembering how it was to be pregnant. I don't feel "the same"as before. In fact, I feel vastly different. My tolerance for bullshit is about 1/99th what it was before baby. My tolerance for no sleep and other demands for my time and attention are infinitely greater (as long as it is due to Ramona). My appetite is very different. I crave veggies and get hang overs from refined sugar now. My body is very different. I am squishy in places you would never wish for squish and lean in other places. I am working on getting strong again and hoping strong translates somewhat into a shape I like. The biggest bummer is that my sex drive is crap. If this is too much info stop reading. I have more to say about this topic and I think it is important so if hearing about my sex drive squicks you out this is your cue.
I have always been someone for whom sex was fun and not particularly difficult. Even when I was stressed out, I could wrap my head around it and end up really glad I had joined the fun. These days it is just about the last thing on earth I am interested it. I thought that even though it was not on my mental radar, once I got going it would be like riding a bike (Hahaha) and I would have no trouble. WRONG! I can't really get into it. Sort of no matter what. I try but it is sort of like someone has rewired the switch and now the light doesn't go on....at all. This sucks. For starters I had a few stitches in my bottom so I was in pain for a while and then we were waiting for them to heal all the way. Once that happened I was confidant that it would be all systems go. Not so much. At 9 weeks out I still have the feeling of an achy bottom if I hike or walk to far/long or over do it at Zumba. I have tried reacquainting with myself too and the whole thing feels about as "sexy" as brushing my teeth. I am not exhausted though I am tired, but I climb in bed and honest to god, if G tries to make it sexy times I mostly wonder why we aren't sleeping if we are in bed and the baby is asleep. It is so friggin' lame I know. I feel like all of my usual "sexy" spots are messed up. Nipples are sore or 'armed' these days and my bottom is just not returning my phone calls. It is such a drag. I feel like reconnecting with your partner after the baby comes is important. G is a very sweet and loving partner and has and continues to be very very patient with me while I try to catch back up to myself in some form. I just feel like I can't "do" sex these days. I don't really want to and it doesn't work when I AM interested. I intend to keep trying and I know that once I am done breast feeding things will return to a more hormonal normal place but that's another 12 months away... am I doomed to this asexual life in the mean time? I don't want to sound like a total 50's housewife but I intend to try and to show up for sex even if G is the only one who really gets anything out of it because I think it is important to our relationship and I want to bet on the chance that one of these times, at some point, I will feel something more than just warm and fuzzy from snuggling, but god dammit if I don't miss wanting it and enjoying it. It is hard to feel like I want to be intimate with my husband when all I want to do is snuggle and sleep with my baby. I know it is nature's way of bonding me with the baby to ensure her survival as well as prevent another pregnancy right away but it feels a little cruel to my partner.
There is so much to write. Work, my body, Ramona, my relationship with G, my relationship with my mom, my drive to become a midwife, my desire to have another baby (in a few years), my desire and the steps already being taken to become a childbirth educator and post-partum doula....so much to write. I have to try a little harder to keep up. Look for a few more posts in the next week.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Ch-Cha-Cha-Changes....
I knew a lot of things would change with the birth of the baby. I thought I knew what the changes would be. I knew my body wouldn't be the same. I was pretty sure I would have flabby skin and stretch marks. I knew I would have a broken bottom for a little while. I figured I would be emotional. I was afraid of how tired I would be. I could laugh at myself right now. I was a total idiot. The things I thought I knew were wrong or profoundly different than I pictured.
I get tired so easily. A "big day" is a 45min walk with the dogs and R, a trip to the store, cooking dinner and prepping breakfast for the next day, cleaning up, feeding myself, maybe showering? I am trying to get my head around the idea of exercising again but honestly....wuh, it makes me feel like napping just thinking about it. On the flip side, I am never as tired as I thought I would be. Sure, I feel like someone has been storing their wool sweaters and blankets under my eyelids all night most mornings. I am prone to attempting to bribe my 7 week old daughter with anything from breast milk to cash if she will just sleep for another hour. But, I remember being dead bone tired durng my pregnancy and I was terrified that it would be even worse with a new baby. It sort of is, but I don't really mind like before. I live for cups of coffee and baby smiles. I am energized by her being calm and alert while we are out for a walk, or by picking up the kitchen. The amount of actual sleep I require seems to have shifted significantly. I may get 9 hours in bed but I only get about 6hrs of sleep and that is often in 2-3hr chunks. So, yeah, I was so afraid of being exhausted and it turns out it hasn't killed me. It hasn't even really been all that hard to get over. She is better than sleep and that is pretty much all I need.
My body is a mess. I am down 42lbs since the day she was born and that is FUCKING AWESOME! Pardon my French but Hallelujah! I was sure I would be stuck with baby weight for EVER! Here, the real problem is the loose skin. Seriously, this is a drag. The stretch marks don't bother me nearly as much as the flabby apron of skin I have down below the belt. It is awful. I have no idea how I am going to address it. It actually seems to be worse with every pound I lose. Gross. Also, my ass has left the building. This is going to sound super insane and maybe even racist? I had a great ass. It was big and midwestern and black men loved it. Seriously, white guys never seemed to comment on my ass the way middle aged black men did. Well, I think those days have passed because my butt has made like old people and headed south. I don't even understand why! What does my ass have to do with pregnancy? Oh well. Could be worse huh? The back fat...that's where the real bummer is. I am not wearing real bras these days. I am living in nursing tank tops and I am here to tell you they are fucking awesome. I am going to have to do my "pregnancy and postpartum gear review" soon. I know all the good stuff for pregnant ladies.
My broken butt is another thing. I only pushed for 29min. I pushed like both of our lives depended on it though and thanks to the student (grrrr) I tore. I didn't tear very badly but I needed stitches and she did a crap job with that too. I still have pain in my vulva. I often feel swollen and throbbing and achy like I have a headache in my crotch at the end of the day. Just about every day. It sucks. As if the hormones weren't bad enough libido killers, the feeling of painful butt really ties the room together. I didn't expect to still feel uncomfortable 7 weeks out. ** Let me just say that my discomfort is a 3-4 out of 10 on a pain scale. I take ibuprofen for it every few days when I really feel achy but it is not excruciating. I don't want to scare you. I just want to whine.** It does have me a little spooked about sex though. I just don't feel "good" down there in lady land. It is hard to want to have anyone over ya know?
Enough about my lady bits, lets talk about relationships. I feel pretty freakin' alone these days. I don't really feel like I am the same person I was before I had R and I am not sorry about being different. I feel like my closest friends don't quite know what to make of me now. I am part, boring only talks about R and part cautionary tale. I leak and don't sleep and change poopy pants and pee when I laugh too hard. I don't feel sexy and my belly is less muffin top and more pancake batter top. And yet, I am perfectly happy. I have never been so privileged to be such a damn mess. I also don't feel totally at home with my mommy friends either. I still feel like this is new and I am figuring it out and they have already been here and done it and it makes me feel self conscious. I have a tiny girl and she is not ready for play dates. I am not ready to be barraged with well intentioned advice. I feel confidant that I will be ready and strong enough soon enough but for now, I crave friends who have new babies so we could go through this together.
My relationship with the hubbs is changed too. We are not just two people who work hard, play hard and love the shit out of each other. We are parents now. We are tired, unwashed, hungry people who need a combination of things including soap, exercise, lots of food, 6 solid hours of sleep and to get laid. It is not easy. We are good communicators so that is one thing really in our corner but we are both still reeling from the enormity of all the changes. I get nervous about our happiness sometimes. Not so much our happiness with one another but peripheral happiness. The hubbs is my eternal optimist and all the changes have him feeling burned out about work and impatient for something great in his work life. He has wanted to fly his whole life and I had wanted a baby.....
Anyway, yeah, shit is crazy different. I am way tougher than I thought. I am way flabbier than I had expected. I am way happier than I could have imagined. I wonder if I will ever genuinely want to have sex again. I hope G finds some peace in the little things.
I get tired so easily. A "big day" is a 45min walk with the dogs and R, a trip to the store, cooking dinner and prepping breakfast for the next day, cleaning up, feeding myself, maybe showering? I am trying to get my head around the idea of exercising again but honestly....wuh, it makes me feel like napping just thinking about it. On the flip side, I am never as tired as I thought I would be. Sure, I feel like someone has been storing their wool sweaters and blankets under my eyelids all night most mornings. I am prone to attempting to bribe my 7 week old daughter with anything from breast milk to cash if she will just sleep for another hour. But, I remember being dead bone tired durng my pregnancy and I was terrified that it would be even worse with a new baby. It sort of is, but I don't really mind like before. I live for cups of coffee and baby smiles. I am energized by her being calm and alert while we are out for a walk, or by picking up the kitchen. The amount of actual sleep I require seems to have shifted significantly. I may get 9 hours in bed but I only get about 6hrs of sleep and that is often in 2-3hr chunks. So, yeah, I was so afraid of being exhausted and it turns out it hasn't killed me. It hasn't even really been all that hard to get over. She is better than sleep and that is pretty much all I need.
My body is a mess. I am down 42lbs since the day she was born and that is FUCKING AWESOME! Pardon my French but Hallelujah! I was sure I would be stuck with baby weight for EVER! Here, the real problem is the loose skin. Seriously, this is a drag. The stretch marks don't bother me nearly as much as the flabby apron of skin I have down below the belt. It is awful. I have no idea how I am going to address it. It actually seems to be worse with every pound I lose. Gross. Also, my ass has left the building. This is going to sound super insane and maybe even racist? I had a great ass. It was big and midwestern and black men loved it. Seriously, white guys never seemed to comment on my ass the way middle aged black men did. Well, I think those days have passed because my butt has made like old people and headed south. I don't even understand why! What does my ass have to do with pregnancy? Oh well. Could be worse huh? The back fat...that's where the real bummer is. I am not wearing real bras these days. I am living in nursing tank tops and I am here to tell you they are fucking awesome. I am going to have to do my "pregnancy and postpartum gear review" soon. I know all the good stuff for pregnant ladies.
My broken butt is another thing. I only pushed for 29min. I pushed like both of our lives depended on it though and thanks to the student (grrrr) I tore. I didn't tear very badly but I needed stitches and she did a crap job with that too. I still have pain in my vulva. I often feel swollen and throbbing and achy like I have a headache in my crotch at the end of the day. Just about every day. It sucks. As if the hormones weren't bad enough libido killers, the feeling of painful butt really ties the room together. I didn't expect to still feel uncomfortable 7 weeks out. ** Let me just say that my discomfort is a 3-4 out of 10 on a pain scale. I take ibuprofen for it every few days when I really feel achy but it is not excruciating. I don't want to scare you. I just want to whine.** It does have me a little spooked about sex though. I just don't feel "good" down there in lady land. It is hard to want to have anyone over ya know?
Enough about my lady bits, lets talk about relationships. I feel pretty freakin' alone these days. I don't really feel like I am the same person I was before I had R and I am not sorry about being different. I feel like my closest friends don't quite know what to make of me now. I am part, boring only talks about R and part cautionary tale. I leak and don't sleep and change poopy pants and pee when I laugh too hard. I don't feel sexy and my belly is less muffin top and more pancake batter top. And yet, I am perfectly happy. I have never been so privileged to be such a damn mess. I also don't feel totally at home with my mommy friends either. I still feel like this is new and I am figuring it out and they have already been here and done it and it makes me feel self conscious. I have a tiny girl and she is not ready for play dates. I am not ready to be barraged with well intentioned advice. I feel confidant that I will be ready and strong enough soon enough but for now, I crave friends who have new babies so we could go through this together.
My relationship with the hubbs is changed too. We are not just two people who work hard, play hard and love the shit out of each other. We are parents now. We are tired, unwashed, hungry people who need a combination of things including soap, exercise, lots of food, 6 solid hours of sleep and to get laid. It is not easy. We are good communicators so that is one thing really in our corner but we are both still reeling from the enormity of all the changes. I get nervous about our happiness sometimes. Not so much our happiness with one another but peripheral happiness. The hubbs is my eternal optimist and all the changes have him feeling burned out about work and impatient for something great in his work life. He has wanted to fly his whole life and I had wanted a baby.....
Anyway, yeah, shit is crazy different. I am way tougher than I thought. I am way flabbier than I had expected. I am way happier than I could have imagined. I wonder if I will ever genuinely want to have sex again. I hope G finds some peace in the little things.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
How Odd...
It is late, Ramona is dreaming in her baby nest and I am about to turn off the computer and go to sleep when my stomach rumbled. It was most certainly a gas bubble but it set off the thought in my mind "Oh, hi baby". It made me realize that I hadn't thought about how I had felt her presence in my belly for so long and now she is in the nest and the only thing moving about in the old tummy these days is gas. I don't know why it has struck me so. I guess I would have expected to miss it? Or to think of it sooner? I don't know...I just can't believe it took me 6 weeks to notice that. Anyway, I am hoping for some Sl**p tonight so I should make haste while the baby snoozes. Soon enough she will want to eat. Life if good, I am getting eager to start physical therapy to get my back and abs back in shape. Not that I really want to leave her but it will be more reassuring to go back to work physically able. Alright, night for now.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Stop! Hammer time!
I want everyone to stop for just a second and think of 5 things that make this exact place you are in today, this year, right now, awesome. Just take a minute and think about 5 things that make you so glad your life isn't any different even a tiny bit.
Are you thinking?
No really, do this....I'm serious.
1.I have a warm, snoring baby on my chest. She is the baby I grew and pushed out into the light. I am her momma and she knows it. After more than a decade of being the one who makes the babies cry I am now the one she wants. Pretty fucking cool.
2. I have a kind, understanding partner who changes diapers, feeds me and tries diligently to understand what the hell I am blubbering about when I start crying about random things. He is my best friend and though I feel a little disjointed right now as we are both exhausted and adjusting, I can't fathom doing this with anyone else. Really, I can't.
3. I am glad I have done so many of the awesome things I have done. I think about every sailing trip and camping trip, every outward bound course and night spent with my old lab truck camping, every mile I drove between the Portlands, every tear I shed over broken hearts or not getting into PA school, every tiny stupid disappointment and every great victory, saying yes on a mountain top, saying "I will" in front of friends and family, signing papers on a pool table at a bar on a rainy January night....All of it lead me to this day.
4. Being a distance runner....like LONG distance runner. I am equipped with a patience that was not god given to me. I am so impatient. Right now my whole world is based on a clock I never get to see. I only get to respond to the alarm and I have no idea what time it is set to go off. Being a runner taught me 1. Keep going. You are not as tired as you will be in another 20miles so enjoy the energy you have while you have it. 2. It all changes all the time so enjoy where you are and don't get too far ahead of yourself. Both of these things are acutely relevant to the first 2 months of parenthood as far as I can tell.
5. The sun is starting to come out. I was afraid I was never going to feel like going out with my babe. Towards the end of my pregnancy I was damn sure I was ALWAYS going to be exhausted and apathetic. I am exhausted, and almost always hungry but I vacuum, I walk the dogs, I clean the bathroom...I am generally living a more participatory life now than I was while I was pregnant. This gives me hope that I will figure out how to handle the continued sleep deprivation once I go back to work. I intend to address it and thrive in spite of it. I have no idea how but walks in the sunshine and a clean bathroom help.
6. I know I said 5 but I have one more and it is important. Friends. I have some really awesome buddies in my world. Some I feel like I met almost by accident. More than one of whom I am so thankful for it makes me a bit verclempt to think about.
Yeah, I had been throwing a bit of a pity party for myself yesterday...long story, and I wanted to take a second today to stop and be thankful, TRULY thankful for the things that make me feel perfectly content in my life right now. The things I want to work on include grad school, my baby belly and arms, moping the floors and bathing the dogs...they can all wait until tomorrow. Today I will bask in the glory of gratitude...and a new haircut.
Are you thinking?
No really, do this....I'm serious.
1.I have a warm, snoring baby on my chest. She is the baby I grew and pushed out into the light. I am her momma and she knows it. After more than a decade of being the one who makes the babies cry I am now the one she wants. Pretty fucking cool.
2. I have a kind, understanding partner who changes diapers, feeds me and tries diligently to understand what the hell I am blubbering about when I start crying about random things. He is my best friend and though I feel a little disjointed right now as we are both exhausted and adjusting, I can't fathom doing this with anyone else. Really, I can't.
3. I am glad I have done so many of the awesome things I have done. I think about every sailing trip and camping trip, every outward bound course and night spent with my old lab truck camping, every mile I drove between the Portlands, every tear I shed over broken hearts or not getting into PA school, every tiny stupid disappointment and every great victory, saying yes on a mountain top, saying "I will" in front of friends and family, signing papers on a pool table at a bar on a rainy January night....All of it lead me to this day.
4. Being a distance runner....like LONG distance runner. I am equipped with a patience that was not god given to me. I am so impatient. Right now my whole world is based on a clock I never get to see. I only get to respond to the alarm and I have no idea what time it is set to go off. Being a runner taught me 1. Keep going. You are not as tired as you will be in another 20miles so enjoy the energy you have while you have it. 2. It all changes all the time so enjoy where you are and don't get too far ahead of yourself. Both of these things are acutely relevant to the first 2 months of parenthood as far as I can tell.
5. The sun is starting to come out. I was afraid I was never going to feel like going out with my babe. Towards the end of my pregnancy I was damn sure I was ALWAYS going to be exhausted and apathetic. I am exhausted, and almost always hungry but I vacuum, I walk the dogs, I clean the bathroom...I am generally living a more participatory life now than I was while I was pregnant. This gives me hope that I will figure out how to handle the continued sleep deprivation once I go back to work. I intend to address it and thrive in spite of it. I have no idea how but walks in the sunshine and a clean bathroom help.
6. I know I said 5 but I have one more and it is important. Friends. I have some really awesome buddies in my world. Some I feel like I met almost by accident. More than one of whom I am so thankful for it makes me a bit verclempt to think about.
Yeah, I had been throwing a bit of a pity party for myself yesterday...long story, and I wanted to take a second today to stop and be thankful, TRULY thankful for the things that make me feel perfectly content in my life right now. The things I want to work on include grad school, my baby belly and arms, moping the floors and bathing the dogs...they can all wait until tomorrow. Today I will bask in the glory of gratitude...and a new haircut.
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