It has been a WHILE since I have posted. I have started the new job and it is going well. I have been so overwhelmed. It is hard. It is scary. It is the hardest job I have ever had. I realize that every other job I have ever had I have been able to "fake it till I make it". That is not the case with paramedicine. First, I am being evaluated. Everything I do from how I put my name tag on to how I introduce myself to fire, my medicine, My driving, my sense of direction, what I do when I am not driving or running calls....ALL OF IT! It is so friggen stressful. It makes you second guess EVERYTHING. Or maybe it is just me. Second, you have a VERY short period of time in which to do anything/everything. That goes for driving as well as the medicine. If you don't know what you are doing or where you are going it is going to be very apparent in about a minute if everything is moving very slowly, likely it will become apparent when you reach the next intersection and you don't know which way to turn. Thirdly, EVERYONE knows G and thus, everyone knows ME. This is nice and also sucky. Sometimes I feel like I am under a second, social microscope. I will adjust to this but it is a SMALL company and a small county and a small group on B side. If I am an idiot it won't take long for everyone to know exactly how and why.
My training officer is a really interesting character. He is part company guy in the old school medic way and part teenage boy. He has been a paramedic since I was 3 years old.... He knows sick and not sick. He knows the district really well and he knows how to do just about anything. He is really high speed. He is always trying to make a faster turnaround at the hospital, get the chart done faster, do everything faster and while I think that is a good training exercise it makes me really glad I have good medicine. I think if my medicine were any greener/less developed I would be FU%KED. He just moves too quickly and at the risk of sounding horrible he doesn't seem to care all that much. Maybe I will care less some day but not now. I am more concerned with making a connection with the patient and getting a good sense of what it going on and making them feel comfortable that I am with getting my entire chart completed before I get to the hospital. It is a strange world.
I got pretty lost yesterday. I was in the wrong quadrant of the city and couldn't remember if the street I was looking for was in the south east or north east so I just kept driving further and further looking for something that would tell me where I was...Something that would confirm that I was lost...It sucked. It was something I would have let my Outward Bound students do...It is embarrassing to be so lost all of the time. In addition, I have to be studying for my protocol exam as well as geography as well as any other random ass pop quizzes he feels like tossing my way while rotating between driving and patient care...Gaaahhh! I am EXHAUSTED by the end of the 4 days on.
I feel like a hormonal mess or something. I swing back and forth between lighthearted excitement about all the things I am learning and getting better at everyday and abject overwhelmmedness and fear. I also go back and forth between loving talking about work and wanting to shove a sock in The Man's mouth when he can't STOP talking about work. Sometimes I feel like since I don't really see him at all on our days on I don't want to talk about work when we are on the phone. I know this is silly but sometimes I just want to shout "STOP TALKING ABOUT WORK! I MISS YOU!"
Anyway, life is chugging along. I am making money and that is indescribably helpful. I was able to give G the 650$ we needed to get the Jeep fixed this week and that felt good. It was going to be money for other stuff but the Jeep was BAD and it was a super inconvenient time in our house money cycle so I just signed the check over and BAM, fixed the problem. It was awesome. I finally helped. Yesterday I picked up my paycheck and it was almost the entire mortgage payment. Do you hear that? It is the sound of me breathing a sigh of relief. I can pay my school loan payment and my credit card payment. I can even buy G new running shoes. Soon we will be able to buy our plane tickets back East for the summer. It has been SO long since I made anywhere near enough to make a difference.
My weight loss is going super well. I left WW and started using a calorie counting application on my phone and it is rad. I count every calorie burned and every calorie I eat and as long as I stay below my daily goal most days I lose weight. It is working. I am finally below the fricken 211 mark where I sat for a MONTH. I am now happily in the 205-207 range with my sights set on being soundly into the 190's by my birthday. That may mean 198 but I don't CARE! I won't spend another year over 200lbs. Unless I am growing another person inside of me and even then, there better be more than one of them in there if I am much past 205...Progress feels good. Speaking of progress, I am routinely running 14+ miles at a time now. I am averaging 30+ miles a week. It is getting easier and easier. It is really nice. I feel like the marathon will be do-able. More excitingly, I feel like a "Birthday Marathon" is going to happen. I will say goodbye to 27 by running 26.2miles...Insaine. I know.
Well, my friends. It is time to go wake the Mr and, as a team, get to the bottom of why the kitchen smells like a bad trash can...I will soon write about how overwhelming owing and "keeping" a house can be and admit that it has been over a month since I have mopped my floors.... Uggh!
