Sometimes I have the dumbest ideas...

Yesterday was Autumn Leaves Ultra. I watched my sister in law and one of my dearest friends run their first 50ks. I watched a handful of other girlfriends run numbers 2-7. It was awe inspiring. The Hubbs and I were out there as pit crew and set up a yummy aid station. As SIL was coming in to finish her 2nd lap she looked strong but I know sometimes that middle portion can be a mind bender so I offered to keep her company for a loop (6.3 miles). This would be the farthest I had run since forest park in June but I was confidant that I had "at least" 6miles in me and what the hell? Ames needed me right? So, we set off on our loop. Her pace was steady and her head seemed firmly atop her shoulders. I was so excited for her as we ran. She seemed to just be floating along. It was easy to keep up and easy to keep her running. She seemed to be right on target to finish strong and at a pretty good pace. I was feeling pretty good. I was having some belly aches but it seemed like it was probably just round ligament stuff and I was able to keep running. My low back and very low front of my pelvis ached a bit but I thought that would eventually fade. I have learned that discomfort while running is like weather. If you just run long enough it will change. We were running and passing people on their way back who were smiling and high fiving Amy. We saw our other ladies out there just gliding along the path looking strong and confidant and fast. It was a stunningly beautiful fall day.

As Amy wound up the 3rd loop of her 5, I asked her how she was doing. She said great! She was feeling a little uncomfortable in places but nothing too bad. I told her I was thinking I would sit the next loop out and let her brother run it with her and then run the last one with her. Great! Game on. Well, almost....When we got back to the aid station he wasn't ready and hadn't gone to get his shoes from the car yet. I asked if he wanted to run 4 with her and he sort of hesitated (He really wanted to run 5 with her). I looked at Ames and just said "Ok, cool, I'll run 4 with you." In my mind I had wanted the "bad ass merit badge" for running a 1/2 marathon at almost 23 weeks pregnant. I wasn't soo sore. I told Amy to eat something and our friend Rose scooped her up and kept her moving while I lubed my hot spots on my toes and grabbed a snack myself. Not long after I was up and ready. I was hurting but the loudest voice in my head told me to hush up and support my sister in this awesome endeavor and to keep my mouth shut about how much my pelvis was hurting because she deserved support and she would have walked on a broken leg for me. By mile 3 (1/2 way through the loop) I could no longer run. Amy didn't mind this at all as she had been running almost all of the loops 1-3 and was ready for a mellow loop. We power walked and talked and she seemed mentally so very strong. I was sort of starting to fall apart. I was trying to remember if there was any way to short cut my way back to the aid station. She was through the hardest part and honestly seemed to be doing so damned well, I knew without a doubt she would finish this loop strong and in well under 2hrs. By the time we were at mile 4.5 we were still more than a mile and a half from the aid station and I was ready to cry. Every step I felt like I was breaking my pelvis right in half. My back screamed but my pubic bone felt like it was cracked right down the middle. I sent Amy on ahead after a little "go gettem'" pep talk and she took off strong down the path. I bent over, dizzy with pain.

It seemed like hours until I got back to the aid station but it was only 25min. I waddled in just as Amy and G were headed out. She still looked so fresh and enthusiastic. I was so proud. I told G I was dying and that I was just going to sit for a while, kissed him and sent him on his way. I sat down and ate some cottage cheese and a pumpkin cupcake and hoped that I would feel better. Getting up to the bathroom was like torture. Packing up almost had me on the ground. On the way home I called in sick to work for the next day.

When I almost fainted from walking around the grocery store I knew I had made a bigger mistake than I even knew. I wasn't going to the ER or anything like that. 1. I felt like a moron, 2. It would not do any good as there was nothing stronger than Tylenol for a pregnant lady and no way was I letting them x-ray my pelvis. I called my friend Sarah, the midwife I have known since childhood. She was once my Mom's partner in midwifery and then was my high school biology teacher. She has been the "Dial a midwife" when I can't ask my mom without worrying her and I am not sure I need to call my ladies and bother them. She told me if I had actually separated my pubic symphisis I would probably not be able to walk at all. She said I may have stretched it out though and that would be painful and I should take a bath, try to get in good alignment and go to bed.

Getting in and out of the tub and in and out of bed had me near tears for the rest of the night. Even rolling over in bed felt like broken glass. I cried out with every step down the stairs to the bathroom at 2am and could barely walk back to bed. I was pretty freaked out by the time I drifted back to a painful sleep. In the morning I felt a bit better. Not awesome but I could roll over without seeing spots and I could walk without holding my breath. I was so glad I took the day off. I would not have been able to do anything at work.

It is now later in the afternoon and I am continuing to feel improved. My pain is now about a 5/10 when I have to make any kind of lateral movement or isolated leg movements. Last night it was easily an 8-9/10. I am hoping to feel even better tomorrow, mostly because I don't want to call in sick again...

I feel stupid for not listening to my body. I feel stupid for pushing for no good reason. I am nervous that I had hurt something that is going to bother me for some time now. But I can say I ran a half marathon 22.5 weeks pregnant....for whatever that's worth. It is hard to learn the new limitations of my body. I have spent so much of my life trying to overcome the voice that says "you don't need to push, you're tired, your ankle hurts, better luck next time" that I have trouble trusting when the voice is real saying "you hurt and you are not lazy". I am still working on that one. In the mean time I am here in bed today with an ice pack on my pubic bone and tea from my sweet husband. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow but we will just have to see how it goes.

All that aside, I was fortunate enough to watch some of the most awesome women I know run one of my very favorite races ever on the most lovely fall day we have seen so far. It was a blessing to be sure. I was so proud of all of my friends and of the perfect strangers I saw out there making friends with their limits and then convincing the limit to be pushed just a little bit further.

Well, so much for that idea...

The contract was rejected. I could go on and on about the bullshit and cockamamie reasons people gave for voting no but I don't really care anymore. I am now focusing on the next 5 days and trying to keep myself from going hypertensive and or insane with worry. There is literally NOTHING left for me to do.

This morning G and I got up and went to breakfast and then hit the fabric store. I decided I needed one more day of living like everything was going to be fine. I needed one more sweet breakfast out with my husband before we start saving every last cent. I also needed a happy project. I needed the quilt supplies because I need something to look at when this is all over that shows it was not all a shitty time. I also need a reminder that being pregnant is GOOD and cheerful and happy and not just a ticking time bomb of expenses. Working on the quilt will be an active, tangible, joyful, productive reminder of how much I love this kid and how freaking excited I am to meet them and kiss them and smell the top of their head.

This afternoon we are getting ready to go run an aid station for the Running Chicks at the Autumn Leaves Ultra tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn. My sister and one of my very best friends in the world are running and since I can't run we are going to be the best pit crew EVAR! G and I looking forward to spending the day doing something for others and getting out of our own heads and worry. Nothing makes me feel shiny and optimistic quite the way supporting friends doing hard things does. I can't wait. I am also hoping to go at least one lap tomorrow too for a 6+ mile waddle.

So, yeah, they are now stacking the shit to throw at the fan. The strike notice has been given and if the company doesn't give us something better in the next 13 days we are out on the streets holding signs and shouting slogans....And yet, here I am cooking potatoes and dreaming of cutting up all of this lovely fabric for my baby's quilt. My life is a whirlwind at the moment but I am trying to keep my spirit safe in the eye of the hurricane where at least there is a little quiet and occasionally some sun.

A day for lists...

Things remain uncertain here on the home front. We are in the final day of voting on the new work contract and I voted YES. I voted that way after going to a meeting where one of the reps from the union stood up and read the entire contract to us and explained all of the changes and answered even the most inflammatory of questions with poise and dignity for all involved. No, we would not be seeing any great pay raises, yes, we will be required to start paying for our own health insurance, no, we will likely never get lunch breaks any longer and yes, we (my car and many others) will likely not be getting home on time much at all anymore but it is a contract with new protective language including a "just cause" clause for termination proceedings among many other things. It is a choice I made not out of fear, but honestly believing it will be what is best for my family and the majority of my coworkers. In this economy and with a company whose penultimate goal is MAKE ALL THE MONEY! GIVE NONE TO EMPLOYEES! It is sad but true. We happen to be paramedics but honestly we could be selling buttons. They are NOT in business to care for people, LEAST of all the people who are working for them. They are total corporate evil and they want to bend us over for every last dime just like the rest of the ginormocorps out there doing the same thing to middle class Americans and foreign workers world wide. Make the money, keep the money, work the workers harder, pay the workers less, protect the workers as little as possible. It is F*cking gross and I can't wait to be done working for such a scummy corporation. That said, I love my job. I am NOT ready to be done with that. However, I meant what I said about the party getting out of hand and I will be headed down RN lane here in the not so distant future. Sooooo, that is that. I am told we will know the results of the vote here tonight.

Anyway, lists, lists, lists. I am feeling like the stress is palpable enough where I am resorting to my basest of coping mechanisms. I am making lists of things. It is soothing. So here are the most recent lists.

Things that suck

1. Working in for profit health care

2. Listening to the beginnings of the republican run for the white house

3. Backaches

4. Stressed out husbands

5. Trying to sort out changes in health insurance

6. Having my mom live 3500miles away

7. Not winning the lottery

Things that are AWESOME

1. Fall weather

2. Maternity clothes (I am SOOO much more comfortable in them than in my non preg work pants

3. Feeling the baby move about so much more

4. Seeing the look on my hubb's face when he felt his first "kick"

5. Swimming! Almost cancels out backaches above

6. My Midwives. They are such embodiments of positivity and love. I feel great about them.

7. My work partner. I don't know what I'd do without him.

8. Getting to see my ladies run a 50k this weekend and being able to support them.

9. Cottage Cheese....need I elaborate? I thought not.

10. Last but not least my Husband. He continues to be my compass rose. He is feeling the stress and feeling responsible for protecting his family but he is unfailing in his optimism and love and even on the darkest days that is so often ALL you really need.....aside from cottage cheese.

Broken Hearts

I am listening to Florence and the Machine "Shake it up" and sobbing. I am not going to go deep into it but things at work are very uncertain. We are negotiating a new contract and it is going to some very frightening places with regards to insurance and pay. There is so much anger and resentment that we may strike. I am almost 5 months pregnant and my job is not something I can just do without. I am so scared. I am so sad. I am so sorry that I didn't finish nursing school. I am awash in a world of regret and sadness right now. I know that I am who I am because of the things I have done and not done. I would never have met G and I would not have the beautiful life I have now if I had chosen something else. Also, I LOVE being a paramedic. I never knew how much I loved it until just tonight when I started crying thinking about having to do something else so soon. I feel like I just got to the party and I missed the "good part" where everyone was having fun and laughing and now it is the part where everyone has had too much to drink and things are falling apart. I am so scared that things will be shaken up and I will no longer have insurance that covers my birth or affordably covers all the medical things that a new baby requires. I never imagined we would be looking at the very real possibility of starting this little one's life in a giant pile of debt. This sucks....

Working in health care for profit sucks!

There is a huge contract negotiation going on right now and I am scared. Really, honestly scared. If we vote 'yes' our house will be taking a 400$/month pay cut in the form of paying for increased insurance premium burden passed on by our employers who made over 4million dollars in PURE PROFIT last year. If we vote 'yes' we will not have a pay increase, even for cost of living adjustment for 2 years. If we vote 'yes' we no longer get what the company calls our lunch break but what is really used (if the timing works out to even GET one) for restocking, refueling and finishing up paper work just to be able to clock out on time, never mind "Lunch". So, as you can see voting 'yes' is pretty damned unattractive.

If we vote 'no' and there is a majority that also votes no we go back to the negotiating table. This is frightening because it has been said by those who were in on the negotiations that this is a one time offer to even KEEP the health plans we have at all instead of pushing us all onto a new very high (3k) deductible plan immediately as of 1/1/12. So, they say that if we vote 'no' we need to be ready to strike to get the company to give us what we want. I don't think I have an overwhelming majority of co-workers willing to go that far. People are afraid. I don't blame them. If we don't win and we are pushed to the new plan my midwives are no longer covered. My home birth is no longer covered. I will have the baby in March and be responsible for the first THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS of the bill and then I will still have to pay for 20% of everything that the insurance gets billed for. This plus unpaid maternity leave will sink us as a household. I don't know what to do. I hate the company I work for, for putting me in this kind of position. I hate feeling like they want to make more money so they are screwing my co-workers and I for everything. I hate the idea that I will be a F**CKING health care provider who will be forced to choose between a house payment or what is in the best interest of my family's health and well being. It makes me angry and frightened and sick to my stomach. I feel like the only thing to do is to get the hell out before the next contract rolls around.

I started investigating my nursing school options today....as if we can afford that either....But I'm not sure we can afford not to either....

News from the land where spirits soar and feet swell

Welcome to week 21. Things are going really well. The baby is the size of a rib eye steak (how exciting) and I am feeling more energy all the time. The flip side of that coin is that I am feeling my physical limitations change on if not a daily, then certainly a weekly basis. I think the baby is living pretty low in my pelvis making things like bending over to tie my shoes prematurely uncomfortable. I often feel like I want to put my hand down just above my pubic bone just to sort of "keep things in". It is an odd feeling since I still look only barely pregnant with the exception of my every expanding ass.

Work has been interesting. I actually saved a life last week. An elderly person was choking on breakfast and nobody wanted to "hurt" them by doing the Heimlich so there they sat dying in their chair. By the time we arrived they were cool and blue and had only a very slight pulse. I pulled them to the floor and my partner took a look in the mouth to see if there was something to grab which there was not. I used the mask and gave a few positive pressure ventilations to see if I could move any air into the lungs at all. After a few PPVs the obstruction moved enough to trigger a gag reflex and a cough/vomit of part of the obstruction. The pt was not out of the woods but we were making our way away from the light. I continued supportive care and attempts to further clear the airway en route to the hospital where the pt had several more episodes of vomit/coughing and cleared most of the obstruction without major intervention (ie elective intubation which would have posed serious risks in a person of such age and physical health). This may not sound like much but let me assure you that this person was dying right there in front of my eyes as I walked into that room. 5 more minutes and it would have been a very different outcome. What is the take away lesson? No, not that I am a bad ass who saved a life. The lesson is DON'T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING FOR F*CK'S SAKE!!! People were afraid to give this person abdominal thrusts fearing they would hurt them. They almost KILLED them with inaction. A few broken ribs or a bruised gut would have been much easier to fix than dead. Everyone knows how to do even a bastardized version of the Heimlich. Don't think you should wait for the professionals. We were less than 3 miles away and it took us mere minutes to arrive on scene and it was very nearly too late. DO SOMETHING. You will never be wrong.

So, there it is. That was my first real "save" of my young career. It felt really good. My partner and I both walked in there and said "holy shit this is not going to end well" and lo and behold it did. It was a tiny little reminder of why I do this job at all. It may have taken me 10 months but I made a difference just by being there. That feels good.

In other work related news I have begun contracting occasionally and it sort of sucks. I am looking forward to my apt with the Ladies the day after tomorrow because it sort of worries me but I am trying to keep calm about it. I never have any spotting or rhythm to it. It happens mostly when I have to carry heavy things and walk up stairs and mostly at the end of the day when I am likely dehydrated and tired. I am actually hoping they do a vaginal exam and tell me I am not having any cervical changes. That is enough about that.

I feel the baby move around a LOT. They are very very busy much of the time. It is nice. Reassuring. With everything else going on sometimes I just escape by sitting quietly and feeling the baby move inside of me. Rearranging furniture, oblivious to the goings on in the world. It is a very nice head space sometimes. Meditative almost. That said, I can't wait for the baby to get big enough to be felt moving and shaking on the outside. I want G to feel it and join in the wonder of the little person we made. (God, that sounds suuuuper cheesy but made me tear up.) We made a PERSON! That person is growing INSIDE me. I just think it is going to blow his mind to feel his baby kick or wriggle for the first time.

So, I bought a maternity swimsuit and it arrived today. I am beyond excited to take it for a swim tomorrow. I can hardly wait. I have been feeling so lazy and sedentary. It is time to pick up the pace a bit on my fitness. This body isn't going to get itself ready for labor and recovery. So, there you have it. Life is flying by at break neck pace and I am happy. I am scared and overwhelmed and unsure from day to day how we are going to pull it all off but damned if I'm not thrilled to be doing this and over the moon to be doing it with G. More after the visit with the Ladies on Friday.

-Anna

20 weeks and dancing

Tomorrow this little babe will be 20 weeks along. I had been saying I was "just about 19 weeks" all week...I am the worst pregnant lady ever. I also can't totally remember the due date they gave us....March 3rd? March 7th? Oh F! Who cares? This baby will come when it is ready and no circled date on the calendar is going to change that.

Things have been good. I am feeling much more like myself. I feel able to control my emotions much better that during the great hormone hurricane of the first trimester. To be honest that was some scary shit. I didn't expect to feel like I had fallen to the bottom of a well of overwhelmedness, loneliness and ambiguous feelings about my impending motherhood. I have wanted to be a mother for a long time. Even more acutely, I have wanted to be pregnant for a long time. I have always been so curious to know what this journey is all about. I wanted to know what my body would do, what it would look and feel like. During the first trimester I could have slapped myself for my curiosity. Now, that I have regained a more even keel I have done some reading about postpartum depression and looked into placenta encapsulation. I am feeling like I might be one of those women who is extra sensitive to big swings in hormones and I am thinking it will be prudent to try very diligently to assist myself in getting through the immediate postpartum phase without losing my perspective or my self in a snowstorm of hormone induced emotions. I am sure I will say more about this later but for now just know that I have spoken to my "Ladies" as I refer to the midwives who are so lovingly caring for me, I have spoken to my mother and the Hubbs and I have put everyone on notice that I am at risk for the shitty sads and could they please help me and know that I may need them in this particular way. Everyone was supportive, and totally on board. The Ladies were a little impressed according to G, that I was already noticing and thinking about how I am affected by hormones and looking to prepare myself to succeed in the postpartum stage. I love those women.

My mother recommended I listen to Brooke Sheilds' book "Down Came The Rain". It is a wonderful account of her struggle with PPD. She had it in the worst form. She had some DARK days. She also found her way out. It was clumsy and fraught with set backs but she made it and had a lovely relationship with her daughter and husband. She even breastfed. It was reassuring and educational. Hormone imbalances get sort of glossed over in my opinion. They get categorized as "lady issues" and it can feel like you are just lacking control over you mind. It sucks to feel so out of control and have the sense that you have completely lost your map to get back to yourself. Anyway....More on that as time goes by I am sure.

These days I feel the baby move a lot. It is still nondescript flips and bumps. It is still like there is a large goldfish swimming about in my pelvis. It is a happy goldfish though. I sing to the baby before bed. I put my hands on my belly and pick a few songs and when I am done I lay still and feel the baby dance. At first I was sure it was just a fluke but it happens every time now. I finish singing and the dance party starts. Sometimes it starts after the first song but it is lovely. I have felt only half connected to whatever it was inside of me insisting I pee nonstop all day and night, until now. I love our little night time routine. I can't wait for it to be a bit bigger so G can feel it on the outside. It is so amazing.

I am struggling to fit into my work pants and just waiting for my maternity blues to arrive. I grunt audibly when climbing into the ambulance and have a harder and harder time bending over to tie my shoes. It is strange. I also pee my pants when I sneeze if I have anything in my bladder at ALL. If that is an over share I only sort of apologize. We all pee and I just get to do it in new and exciting ways these days.

I am beyond glad that the heat of the summer has retired for the year. I was unsure how much more sweating ALL DAY at work I could tolerate. I also like my winter/fall maternity clothes. Some days I feel like a whale but mostly I feel pretty cute. I have started going to the gym again and as soon as my swimsuit arrives I am going to start hitting the pool for some laps. My low back has been achey for weeks and my mom has me convinced that the pool will help shake things out. In the mean time I am thinking about trying to run again now that I have "popped". Maybe the baby isn't directly competing for bladder space anymore and it won't be so uncomfortable. I really REALLY miss running and fall running....Ack! Don't even get me started on how hard it was to watch people run PDX marathon this weekend.

So, there you have it. Things are good. We have a list of shit to do a mile long, a list of shit to acquire a mile long, a list of shit to figure out half a mile long and I have no idea how we are going to do it all. The difference is now I feel like I can actively participate in the figuring it out part. I am no longer to sick, too exhausted to help. So, this morning I will start by folding the 3 giant baskets of laundry and putting them away. After that....I may go buy fabric for the quilt.