Favorite Bits 2011

2011 was a pretty huge year.  I will venture to say it has been one of the best years of my life.  Looking back now, I can't believe it has come and gone so quickly.  2010 was hard.  School, 2 moves, wedding planning, unemployment...It was just tough.  2011 has been the year of great fortune.  As I look around my warm little house I see and recall things that make me full to bursting with gratitude.

There are two snoring dogs.  One in a chair by the window and the other with her head resting on the windowsill....They are healthy, they are SPOILED, they are sweet.

The tiny Christmas tree in the corner symbolizes the celebrations of community that have taken place within the wall of this house this year.  We have celebrated love, family, holidays, friendship, food, one another's good fortune and hope for the future.  The walls of this house have been painted with the colors of community and the rooms are light with the glow of friendship and love.

The running shoes on the rack in the back hallway remind me of the excellent health and the healthy sense of adventure shared by my most immediate family.  G and AKMB and I have had a stellar year of adventure and self exploration.  Running Forest Park 50k should MAYBE be second to my pregnancy with my first child but to be perfectly honest they are tied.  Something inside of me changed forever when I ran FP50.  I will never doubt myself again.  Sure, I will have my moments but I met myself on the trail and turns out I am made of some pretty strong stuff and I am capable of being ready for hard things not simply surviving them.  FP has given me sooo much strength to not just exist through this pregnancy but to carry a sense of wonder and a deep appreciation for the difference between pain and suffering and who's choice it is which one you experience.  It has really shaped the way I approach being pregnant and planning for the arrival of this little one.  I am not sure there could be better training than running LONG. That said, there is also a pride in myself that came with FP50k.  It has nothing to do with babies or the future.  It has everything to do with feeling like a real and true athlete at the end of the day.  I am looking forward to being a mom but I am looking forward to running another 50k very soon too.

My husband's bag by the door reminds me how jaw droopingly fortunate I am to be married to such a wonderful man.  It sounds so cheesy and cliche but I don't care.  He is the most loving, gentle, kind, patient, respectful, nurturing, non-annoying, level headed, joyful, curious, soulful, curious, passionate, dedicated person I know.  He is almost never on time for anything, can't get the basement organized to save his soul and and often has the attention span of a hummingbird but that doesn't even begin to overshadow how much I love him.  I have to admit that I never expected to love him this much.  I didn't know you could feel this way about a person.  I can't fathom my world without him.  I can't WAIT to see him become a dad.  He really is my best friend.  I have no idea how I got so lucky.  I have no idea how we ended up here, together but I thank every star in the sky that we did.

My bag by the door reminds me of how fortunate I am to have the job I have.  I caught a baby on Thanksgiving, I saved and old man from choking to death on a cinnamon roll this summer and I have had the honor of meeting and helping over a hundred other people in the last year.  I know I complain about the flaws in the system but I also deeply appreciate the chance to work in a job where I have an AWESOME partner, progressive protocols, darn good equipment and a goal of helping people.  It is not my end goal but it is pretty sweet for now.

The socks on my feet make me think about my mother and how glad I am that we have the relationship we have these days.  It was hard fought back about 6 years ago.  We struggled to understand one another and to have patience with our own imperfections and tolerance for what we saw as the other's imperfections as well.  Now, she is one of my very best friends and another person I can't imagine being without.  She is 3500 miles away and that SUCKS but we are in a better place now than we have been in years and years and I just thank her for all of her hard work and the things she taught me as a kid that have helped me become the woman I am now.

The little painting of the ocean sitting on my mantle makes me think of my Dad.  He is the one I must thank for my FINALLY learning a bit of patience and equanimity.  He introduced me to mindfulness over and over again.  When it finally started to stick, in my twenties, he never said "boy, what took you so long?"  He has always been a beacon of unconditional love.  Where mom taught me strength and courage, dad taught me gentleness and quiet.  I am starting to be able to appreciate and harness both sides of myself in becoming this "adult" and I am so grateful for the guidance and gentleness he has offered even when it was the last thing I wanted to hear.

My "Local" family was here last night and the stack of baby clothes and books next to me on the ottoman stand as proof.  They are the most enthusiastic, loving bunch.  I could not have married into a sweeter group of people if I had hand picked them.  I didn't just get a wonderful loving husband but a whole TRIBE of people came with him.  From his lovely parents who treat me like one of their own even when I am tired and cranky, to his friends from childhood who put their arms around me and welcomed me into the fold.  I married into a VILLAGE of love and joy.

The house is half a wreck from Christmas yesterday but underneath the paper and the boxes the floor is swept and the clutter mostly controlled.  There is a photo album on the table with pictures spanning 30+ years and letters to the new baby on every page.  This is from my sister-in-law.  She is the penultimate behind the scenes miracle worker.  This woman has no idea what she does for this house and this family on a regular basis.  She is a very hardworking member of the child protective services team, she spoils the dogs rotten, she cleans the house for us during the work week and she is a constant reminder that mind over matter really makes the sun shine even in the midst of an Oregon winter.  Her generosity and unflagging good nature is even present during times of crisis and personal struggle.  She reminds me to try harder to keep my chin up and to try harder to keep my eye my list of "things I am thankful for".  She is also probably my favorite person to give gifts to as they always seem to be "JUST WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR".  She is the prize in the already delicious cracker jack box of this family I married into.

There are many other people and things I am grateful for.  They are too numerous to list.  The point is, I am fucking blessed.  This year has been a dream.  I am growing a healthy person inside of me, my community is growing all the time in meaningful and beautiful ways, I am continuing to learn new things and to be touched by the world around me.  My family is happy and fulfilled.  My house is warm and beautiful.  I can't think of anything I need that I don't have.  I think I will just sit and cherish this feeling for a little while.  I hope 2012 is full of wonder and love for all of you.  I hope that good fortune and easy times roll in with the chiming of the clock.  Thank you for 2011.  Happy New Year.

Maybe a little space from work will be good

Welcome to week 31.  I have sort of a mixed bag of attitude this week.  I am starting to feel tired.  Like tired all the time.  I have the desire to get up and go do something but my body is just like "waaahhh".  I am not sleeping very well anymore either.  I have a hard time getting comfortable and when I finally DO get comfortable I have to pee an hour later.  I know all of this is part of it.  I am just tired.  I feel like it would be so great to get one night's sleep....like prepregnancy, uninterrupted 8hours of sleep.  I honestly can't remember what it is like to sleep through the night without getting up to pee.  I feel like it is possible that I am only making that up....Did it ever really happen?

I only have 2 more 3 day rotations at work and then I am done.  I am fretting about all the paperwork.  I just want to get my 60% pay so that I can help our family stay afloat.  I am not sure what I will do with myself for 6 weeks but I have to think that anything is better than sitting all wadded up in the ambulance with swollen feet and an aching back from lifting people who don't need an ambulance nearly as much as they need a social worker and a lock on the fucking fridge.  I want to clarify that I am not a sizist.  I am NOT small myself and 31lbs of "baby weight" hasn't helped things much.  I am a laziest.  I fucking hate lazy people.  I hate people who do not take care of themselves and literally are eating themselves to death and then call 911 because they are too lazy to get a primary care doctor to look at their foot pain.  I hate the lazy people who can't walk, thanks to their own doing, who then call 911 for a taxi ride for some bullshit nonemergency.  I am an EMERGENCY MEDICAL PROVIDER!  This is AN AMBULANCE.   We are here to take care of people who are DEATHLY ILL/MORTALLY WOUNDED/DYING IN FRONT OF US.  We are not cabbies for 400lb men with ITCHY FEET who no longer feel like walking down the stairs and want us to carry them (Real call 2 weeks ago).  We are not social workers for  380lb women who DIDN'T LIKE WHAT THE CLINIC DOCTOR SAID ABOUT MY YEAST INFECTION ("No, I didn't take the medicine he told me to it cost like 20$!" as she slurps her jack in the box big gulp with her hand in a bag of cheddar popcorn sitting in front of her big screen TV watching extended cable) I WANT TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM BUT I CAN'T WALK SO YOU NEED TO PUT ME ON YOUR LITTLE BED THINGY.  I can't make this shit up people.  My partner and I MAYBE weigh as much as these people put together.  They want ME to carry them while they keep eating....I am SOOOOOOO burned out on this one.  I went home early last week with a back strain after this last call.  I was so afraid I was truly injured and not just tweaked.  I got so mad.  If I get hurt and can't work or can't function normally because someone who is NOT SICK calls 911 and wants to be carried I am going to climb a fucking bell tower.  I honestly think this is what is wrong with America.  The customer service nation.  It is a fucking crime how we enable people to be blobs of rotting flesh and then we are supposed to smile and act like we are not physically BREAKING our bodies just to move theirs.....OK Ok. I will stop.  I have nothing nice to say so I stop.  But honestly folks.  Go for a walk.  Swap out a sprig of broccoli for a french fry once in a while.  If you are truly hurt or sick I will be the kindest woman in the world to you.  I will make your momma look like a cold woman.  If you make an effort, take a walk or eat a salad every once in a while I will respect your efforts no matter how they do or don't pay off.  But if you sit there dying in your own body, expecting others to move you around in this world and wipe your ass because you can't put down the fucking Doritos I am sorry, you are killing me, raping the health care system and not worth my time.  If you don't care enough about you why should I put myself on disability for you?  And that IS a real question.

Ok, well, this wasn't supposed to be a vitriolic rant but there it is....I guess it is good that I am going to be taking a break from work.  I just get chapped that they want me to endanger myself and my yet to be born babe in the name of customer service....

I am off to the pool.  I have heard women report they swim and then pee off all the extra water they are carrying around.  I need some of that.  I can barely recognize my own ankles.

A Little Christmas Whining

I know it is Christmas Eve and all is supposed to be merry and bright but I am swollen and tired. With about 8-12 weeks left I am still happily cooking this little turkey but I am definitely becoming aware that pregnancy is an endurance event. I have hit the third trimester at the tail end of my work stretch and I am getting tired. My joints hurt often. My hips and the joint that connects my pelvis and my sacrum (sacroiliac joint for you anatonerds out there) is cranky a LOT. I get up from sitting or from bed and have to walk gingerly for a few steps while things settle. My hips are starting to get sick of being the only show in town for sleeping. I even have a body pillow but side sleeping for 5 months when you are naturally a tree frogging belly sleeper makes your usually agreeable hips resentful. I am back to needing naps during the day or risk suffering mainframe shutdown. This was a common occurrence in first trimester often accompanied by crying or obsessive worry over nothing. I am happy to report this trimester it is mostly just crushing exhaustion that comes after a day of what my alter ego would call "normal life". I am not "upset" per say. I am more a little wistful for my bygone days of sleep as solid as a tree trunk and as deep as the north Atlantic. If I had known my sleep was going to be so patchy and uncomfortable I would have paid better attention to the last few bliss full nights while I had them. Another fun thing is the swelling. I think it might be time to watch my salt intake as I have woken up with my face feeling swollen the last two days. It goes away after a water bottle and several trips to the bathroom but it is damned uncomfortable. It makes my fingers and feet ache too. I am looking at three more work rotations. I work 4 on 4 off so that means 24 more days until I am done. I am ready to be done. Work is hard and uncomfortable and makes it hard for me to find the energy or strength to do the things I need to do like get to the friggen pool, meditate, read about breast feeding, set up the baby's room. I have a lot to do in the mental and physical world and those 5-8 weeks are going to fly by. I had been worried about working the last three rotations but I have a buddy in his premed period who will be off of school for a few weeks over the break. He is a part timer and looking for shifts. He happily took my 4th day for the next 2 weeks and I need to offer him the last one as well. A 3 day week is much more manageable for my body right now. Thank GOD or Garry. I am not sure what I would have done otherwise. Probably cry and spend several days pay on expensive massages. :) Anyway, I am chugging along. Sort of perpetually tired, and swollen and in need of a bathroom. I would not change a THING. My pregnancy has been so easy compared to some. I am a very blessed woman. I have the best husband in the whole wide world. He understands (somehow) that I am working round the clock on this kiddo and he has no expectations of me except to take the best care I can of myself and to ask for help when I need it. He is always supportive of a nap or a snack and always very supportive when I manage to accomplish something around the house. Why, just the other night we cleaned the house like CRAZY and then had a 14 person dinner party. It was awesome. I was totally exhausted the next day. I know this is not the hard part and the hard part is the sleep deprivation where you are also getting shat on, yelled at and robbed of your vital nutrients for the production of the yelling and the shitting.... but, I am excited for that phase. At least then, I will be able to sleep on my belly. :)

30 weeks?

So, tomorrow this baby will be 28 weeks old meaning I have been "technically pregnant" for 30 weeks. I am still feeling pretty good. I am however, starting to get little fears here and there about the whole labor and birth thing. I was sure I would always ONLY be afraid of the being a mom part. I am getting nervous about the before part as the clock ticks down. I know in my gut that I am more than capable of this. I know that my body has done nothing but show me it is ready and willing. From the very moment we got pregnant I have been awash in hormones and physical changes indicating that I am in fact, as G insisted, built for this. I can't tell you exactly what it is but for those of you who run or participate in any type of performance or competetive sport like distance running, I am nervous and scared in the same way you get before a big show or race or game. I am starting to think about the "starting line" and wondering if I have done everything I need to to be ready, have I trained properly? The answer is "you won't know until you cross the finish line". And I won't. I won't know the day I go into labor, I won't know when I start pushing or when the pain gets real. I won't know when the midwives arrive or when my mom gets here. I won't know if I trained properly until I am done pushing and holding this child in my arms for the first time. Then and only then will I know if I did it "right". I don't mean "right" like "I succeeded in my attempt at home birth, or natural vaginal birth or even vaginal birth with medical intervention". I mean did I train and work with my mind in an appropriate and helpful way so that I was able to weather the storm of labor, no matter how it unfolds? Was I able to keep my center and remain present for the process? Was I able to remember the difference between pain and suffering? Its all very unknown at this point and I think that groundlessness is both frightening and wonderful. It is like being told you are going on a trip, being given a general guide of what to pack and then told you have to wait 10-12 weeks until someone knocks on your door and says "yup, grab your shit. We are off to the airport"

So, in all of this there have continued to be interesting, comical, distressing and gross phisical changes. I no longer sleep very well. As comfortable as my bed is I am hot, have to pee and feel like the mattress is too soft and it is always a major chore to get myself OUT of bed. I am always leaking something from somewhere....yeah, yuck. Pregnancy farts....hilarious but absolutely disgusting. Like clear the dogs out of the entire upstairs of the house disgusting. Poor Hubbs. And just recently, when I cough, cry, see a sweet baby, run a stressful call or hear my husband say something sweet to me my breasts leak. This is very new and I was a little freaked out at first. I called my mom and told her and her voice went up and entire octive and she said how great it is. Apparently it is a good indicator that my desire to breastfeed will very likely be fufilled. She says it is a good indicator that my body is producing the hormones and the "stuff" I will need to not just feed this baby but to get this baby out. I remain dubious but am always more believing when she sounds suprised and her voice goes up like that. Anyway, things are changing rapidly. It is good. I am more ready every day to meet the little starfish. I have no idea how I am going to do this "parent" thing but I am feeling ever more ready to give it a try. Most of all, I just can't wait to smell this little creature and hold them in my arms for the first time.

Ok, time to jump in the shower and run some errands. I have 14 people coming to my house for dinner tonight! Aahhhh! I hope this finds you all well. Sorry for the overshares. Happy Holidays.

Third Trimester

So here we are in the big Third! Awesome. I am both shocked that it is here and relieved that it is here. I feel enormous. Work is sort of a chore and I am so freaking tired from work (sitting on my ass) that I am not exercising as much as I should to feel good. I need the pool! Anyway, I was just reading something about the third trimester and I got those "pre-race" butterflies. I am not nearly as nervous about labor and birth as I am about just making it these last 10 weeks. I am not doing very well being uncomfortable and the thought of gaining more weight and getting bigger and clumsier is a little frightening to be honest. I know this baby has about 5-8 more lbs to gain and I am like holy mother of god, where the fuck am I going to put 8 more lbs of baby out in front of me? Yeah, I am overwhelmed. That said, it is 2am and I am in bed half asleep in frog pyjamas (Tom Robbins anyone?). I should likely just go to bed so I can be well rested to fall asleep on the massage table in a few hours.

Adventure through pregnancy

Yesterday we packed up the car, the dogs, some snacks and some snowshoes and we headed to the mountain. On the way up we picked up a buddy and we hit the trail. There is a loop well known and loved by a group of us out around Trillium lake. Many people know this loop but it is special to us 'select few' who know Dave. Dave was my husband's work partner for 2 years. He was also JD's partner for a few years. Dave is sort of the coolest guy I know. He lives in "the shed", a hand built shack (hippie shack so it is actually quite lovely) out in the Mt Hood National Forest. It snows up there from Nov-Mayish and for a large part of that time Dave can't drive his car in to his house so he skis. Dave is 65 and in better cardiovascular condition than 90% of America's high schoolers. So, Dave lives out there. 4(?) years ago we went out for the first time and we took Dave a nice bottle of wine and some chocolate as a "thanks for taking us around the lake" gift. He promptly opened the wine shared it amongst the 5 of us and then we went around the lake. I was totally buzzed by the halfway point. It was hilarious. I remember saying to my friend Liz "I would totally exercise more if it always involved a jar of 2007 Cabernet.

Last winter we went out for "just one night" over new years to see Dave and his daughter and her boyfriend (who are our age). We packed up food and bedding and dogs. Dave rents a cabin for new years and his family usually comes up for a week. Well, not many of his family could make it last year so he made an open invitation. We went out for a night, had so much fun G called in sick for the next day and we stayed for 4 days of snowventures. It was the best holiday celebration I have had in my whole adult life. cross country skiing, snowshoeing, playing boardgames, bitter bitter ass cold outside, warm cozy wood stove inside, my dogs utterly exhausted twice a day, homemade Kaluha, delicious food and really lovely people. I very, literally could not have had a better time.

So, yesterday....we got out to the trail with JD and saw how packed all of the snow was and decided that we likely didn't need to use the snowshoes so we hauled them down the big steep hill and buried them in the snow (in case we wanted them for the ascent back to the car). The dogs ran around like crazy wild animals and we hiked. It was AWESOME. Dave wasn't home. He was in the city for the day but we carried his wacky mt spirit with us anyway and had a great time.

My body felt good. After the first major hill (sort of slippy and icy) my pelvis had that "old familiar feeling of achy in front but it wasn't unmanageable so I didn't really slow down. I engaged what abs I have left and kept charging away on the trail. I made some creative potty stops (what else is new?) and we finished the 5 mile loop in just about 2 hours.

I realized yesterday that I am officially in 3rd trimester. 29 weeks! Holy shit! Where has the time gone? I am seriously looking at meeting this little one any time in the next 8-12 weeks. That may seem like plenty of time to you.....but I am ticking time bomb of EVERYTHING I KNOW IS ABOUT TO CHANGE! 8 weeks seems like a drop of water in the ocean of time. In spite of that, I am still pretty happy with my body and its capacity. I wish I had/have been working out more but honestly, work has me so damned tired that I need almost all the sleep and mellow, feet up days I can get. Getting sick for the last 2.5 weeks also really blew. I am still coughing but thankfully not feeling as shitty as I had been. I went to the doctor TWICE for this horrible cold. It stared out as a snotty head cold and developed into the worst chest cold I have had. Thanks pregnancy for ruling out taking drugs and an option....But to give you an idea of how bad it was I called the midwife and she wrote a prescription for narcotic cough syrup just to knock me out so I could stop coughing and get some sleep. After my 8hr blackout I WAS feeling better....Anyway, the moral of this story is supposed to be that I am feeling better and feeling GOOD about continuing to adventure through my pregnancy. I know there are women traveling the African bush and living out of WV vans as the travel across the country through pregnancy but I am just as proud of myself for my occasional trip to the pool, my near weekly "big pregnant hike" and my 4 days a week of hour or longer dog walks. I have gained (in my opinion) a fucking ton of weight (I am at 28-30lbs right now) and I don't imagine the last 8-12 weeks of pregnancy are going to be merciful with the poundage but I am doing my best to eat well. I crave green, crunchy things and fruit a LOT. I also crave chocolate which is new... I try not to overindulge but I am only human. At least its not a 3 day a week McDonald's habit or diet Mt Dew right? Right! I am just going to keep trying and hope my body can steer me mostly right. It seems to have worked so far.

Drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, exercising, taking my vitamins, staying healthy, not overdoing it at work, and remembering to cherish every second with my husband are my main priorities right now. I can't tell you how happy I am to feel that adventure is an integral part of all of that.

Maternity Photography

So, because my midwives are super rad and everyone loves them there is a very talented local photographer who already has lovely prices for a "grow" session (maternity/newborn) but is now also offering 20% off her already awesome prices for Vivante customers. Yay!

So, this leads me to think about what kind of photography I would want. Looking at a bunch of portfolios so much of it looks the same. Even more striking is that so much of it looks "sexy". I get that pregnancy is a "sensual time". Sure, you are peeing your pants, sweating, farting, burping, having heartburn, craving strange food, exhausted more often than you notice and nearly unable to roll yourself over in bed. It is the peak of sexy in my book. Now, don't get me wrong. I am into sex right now. Thank you hormones of second trimester for that one. I think it is payback for my sweet hubbs being so patient during first tri. "C'mon honey. Getting pregnant will be fun. It will take MONTHS of unprotected sex...." Fast forward to "Honey, I know it has been like 2 weeks since we have had sex but I just finished throwing up and I super need a nap...rain check?" Anyway, yeah, sexy maternity photos just don't really seem to sum up what I personally feel about my body and my life right now.

No, what I want out of some maternity pictures is POWER. I feel like a superhero right now. Since this is my personal blog I can toot my own horn a bit. I feel like a friggen' bad ass. I am MAKING A F_ING PERSON INSIDE MY BODY RIGHT NOW!! I am expanding daily to give them more room to grow. I feel them bopping around in there and they seem very strong and very healthy. As oddly shaped as I am right now I feel beautiful. Not "hey big boy" beautiful but like I am the moon in a winter sky beautiful. Round and smooth and perfectly proportioned. I don't have any sharp edges or parts that seem out of place. Sure, the back fat could take a hike but really, when I am in my birthday suit you can't tell its there. I want pictures that show how powerful I feel. Even if my feet swell and my pants sag and I have oddly combination skin right now, I feel beautiful. I don't know how this will translate into pictures but I doubt it will be with some drapey fabric and my hands in a heart over my belly....To each his own but that just doesn't feel like me right now. I want to be standing in silhouette on a mountain top somewhere....yeah, Oregon in winter...I know. But that is the gist of it. So, there you have it. My musings on maternity pics. This week marks the official end of second trimester. I will be 28 weeks on Friday. Holy shmoly! Where does the time go?

It will never be this way again

A few days a go G and I flew to California to visit my Dad and Step mom. It was a lovely mellow trip. I have been sick with a horrid cold and my Dad had some nasty stomach bug so we spent a lot of time just hanging out together drinking tea and reading and chatting. It was pretty perfect.

As G and I were leaving their house the last night for the airport it struck me. The next time I see my Dad and Kathleen, I will be someones MOTHER. The clock on this thing is really ticking. Its not bad or good. It just IS. It feels like I spent a lot of time early on wishing to get pregnant, wishing to STAY pregnant, wishing to look pregnant, wishing to feel excited about being pregnant....Now I am just wishing for time to slow down. Sure, I have swollen feet and hands, I pee my pants when I sneeze or cough to hard or have too full a bladder. My clothes fit funny. The back fat I was so happy to see leave with all of my efforts at the gym, has returned. But more than that, I am not ready for everything to be so different. I LOVE my life with my husband and my dogs. I feel pretty content with the way things are. I wouldn't mind another 6 months of how life was right before I got pregnant.

This may make me sound like a monster so hold on, before you jump to conclusions. I am beyond excited to be a mom. More to the point, to be this little person's mom. They arrived in our lives so quickly I feel there must me some very strong little soul who wants to be with us in here. I am so excited to see G become a dad. I can't wait to see our families expand to embrace this little person's presence. I can't wait to include our friends in our new family. I am very very excited to be a part of this little soul's life. But I am also so fucking not ready. I like sleep and beer and staying out with friends. I like my own agenda and impromptu total laziness. I am acutely aware that those things are going to look very different if not all together extinct here in about 3 months. And while we are discussing time lines HOLY SHIT! 3 MONTHS!?@@#$%. What about July? What about October? Where the hell has the last HALF A YEAR gone? Anyone? Anyone?

So, yeah, this is some crazy shit. It keeps getting crazier. Good I think. I will let you know. I have nesting fever and so does G. We are rapidly turning the house into a space for a baby though, there are still sharp and fragile things all over that I will have to deal with soon. For now though, I am trying to soak in the sweetness that is G and I as a pair while it lasts. He is my best friend and such a sweet partner to me. I am both excited and frightened (for selfish reasons) to see him expand to become a father. In the mean time....I am here, swollen, peeing and enjoying the glow.

I can't eat for four more hours so I might as well talk to you

Welcome to week 24! In a scant 13 weeks this little fish will have the go ahead to arrive and we will be allowed to stay home. Don't get me wrong though, I am hoping to keep this little one snug in my guts for the full 40. All the research says it is best for heart and lungs and all of that and while I know many a baby (myself included) who did JUST fine hatching a few weeks early, I am rooting for the best possible scenario which in my mind is full term, uncomplicated home birth, in front of the fire, in the tub, with my mom safely on the west coast drinking tea with my midwives as G holds my hand. Doesn't seem like that much to ask does it? : )

So, last week I was relishing my new found super power of shrugging the once insurmountably stressful shit off. This week I didn't do as well. This week day 1 was fine. Day 2 I got all dehydrated and started getting the spins at work (not ideal while driving an ambulance at 50mph down morning traffic with lights and sirens). I popped myself on the monitor and I was having a very fast heart beat with lots of wonky beats and my blood pressure was sorta high for me. The wonky heart beats are not news. I have been having them all through my pregnancy and thank sweet baby Jesus that my primary care doc did that stress test on me back in the first trimester because as much as I have them now I would worry, but since we worked it up and found nothing bad AT ALL (just a heart that is sensy to hormones) I don't need to worry about my heart. I felt awful. Like I couldn't calm down or close my eyes. I wasn't feeling anxious about anything just all sped up. I ended up going home from work about halfway through my shift. I drank a bunch of water and felt a bit better but still had a "hang over" feeling. I slept about 10 hours and drank some recharge (hippie Gatorade) and started to feel human again by the next morning. Dehydration sucks and now that this kiddo is using more and more blood volume I need to stay more hydrated than ever. Not easy when you have to drive to a bathroom and if you get a call you may be plain old outta luck until you get to the hospital. I try to use the "CPR potty scale" to determine how badly we need to find a bathroom. I ask myself, "could you comfortably do chest compressions on someone right now? How about in 10min? If the answer is no....seek bathroom ASAP". Insane huh? Yup. The things I do for a paycheck.

Day 3 this week was just bullshit. I hate to burst any one's bubble about the magic of EMS but very often I work an entire day without taking care of a single person who needed to be seen by a medical professional, let alone taken to the ED by ambulance. Many days are full of lazy, drug seeking, slobs who need to get off their oxycodone addicted asses and get a damn job. I hate to sound 100% insensitive but this country is in crisis and we need to stop creating more everyday junkies who get in a fender bender and 10 years later, at the ripe old age of 32 are living off of disability and narcotics and getting "free" rides to the hospital on my hard work to pay into the health care system that they abuse. I am just sick to death of it. So, yeah, I have the rage about this, this week....it made day 3, where I transported nothing but bullshit all day, very long and I didn't do a very skillful job of rising above and thus, went to bed with a belly ache.

Day 4 was spent taking off my shoes in order to allow my enormous feet to swell unhindered by my normally loose fitting work boots. Honest to god, my feet went numb about 5 times. Let the count down begin....SIX more rotations until I go out on my glorious, glorious short term disability for maternity leave. I get upto 180 calendar days paid at 60% off to grow, birth and adjust to this baby. I thought I would want to be all hardcore and work until I dropped but I am now really looking forward to having ten or so weeks to nest and relax and swim and get ready for this little person. Pregnancy is hard work physically. Even as good as I am feeling now in my head, my body is going "Whoah, whoah, this is a LOT. Can't we have some more cottage cheese and talk about this?".

Speaking of food I am sitting here waiting for my glucose tolerance test starving! I can promise them that I am not a diabetic. I am fucking starving. We are going to Pine State Biscuits after this thing and I am going to eat and entire one ALL BY MYSELF! The baby has been hosting a dance party all night and I fell asleep at 8pm. I set an alarm for 11pm to be sure I ate something so I wouldn't be so hungry but man oh man I am HUNGRY! I am only a tiny bit nervous that I may pop positive for gestational diabetes. I just don't want the hastle and the risk....Ok, getting too hungry to be witty or coherent any longer...will post more later....save yourselves....eat something....anything....

Fall

Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground. It seems like only a moment ago I was hoping the spring rain would let up long enough for me to run MY 50k and now it has been almost a week since we sat with fingers crossed hoping the fall rain would hold off long enough for the ladies to run Autumn Leaves. The summer was over in a blur of weddings, sleeping in tents, sweating at any temperature, flying cross country, tears of ALL emotions and zofran....lots and lots of zofran. It seems like it was such a small speck of time yet almost nothing is the same as it was that last weekend of May. As I sit here I can feel the hands and feet of the tiny person inside of me, fluttering around, exploring and painting the walls. I feel strangely different.

I have been a borderline "neurotic" my entire adult life. I am hyper aware of my body and myself and it makes me fret over stupid stuff all the time. I am not quite hypochondriac bad but just bad enough to be a bit of a head case on a regular basis.

First I worried that we would struggle to get pregnant. We have so many buddies who have had to work harder at it and I just assumed that would be our story too. Well, we all know how that one turned out.... "Hey honey, wanna skip the condom?" Sure! Not like you get pregnant on the first go." {2 week interlude} "Hey honey, remember when we skipped the condom?" "Oh WHAT!?"

Next, I worried that I wouldn't STAY pregnant. I know the odds and I was ready to face my potential reality with all of the grace and stone strong optimism that has been shown by one of my best friends in her journey to start a family. Well, I was sick as shit for months which seemed to be hard but also very comforting since it was the "baby growing" hormones that were making me so ill.

Up next was a little Cystic Fibrosis scare. We had some labs drawn and found that I am a carrier. It took WEEKS before the insurance company could bother to get us approved for G to be tested since it is a 400$ test. He is not a carrier and our initial ultrasound looked good so that worry melted away as well.

The next one was the first trimester depression. That sucked. Thanks hormones. Then came the work contract thingy and while that is not resolved yet I have found that I need to just let this shit GO. And for the most part I can. I have never had that power before. Or maybe I have never chosen to before but it sorta feels like it is easier now. I don't quite know why, other than I know that the health of this pregnancy and this person dancing in my belly depends upon it, but it is a very simple choice now....almost like no choice at all....just breathe and let it go. Things are crazy uncertain enough without adding any suffering to it. I blog about it to set it free and then I, honest to god, feel better.

I was talking to my very Buddhist father about it and I told him "I will deal with the dragon when it knocks on the door and not a moment sooner. I don't have time to worry about the dragons that MIGHT be in the basement or under the bed or anywhere else for that matter. I've got shit to DO and happy to BE." My dad laughed and said it sounded very wise. I don't know about all of that but it seems to be working pretty well at the moment. So for now that is the plan. I make a conscious effort to enjoy this precious time with G as a couple, I try to keep my eye on the prize and I try to keep my blood sugar level....everything else just seems to roll from there. I don't want to sound like one of those smug pregnant ladies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8 but there are some things that do get easier once your world has been turned on its ass.

**Update** After spending an entire day in bed after AL I felt much better. I was pretty freaked out but luckily I seem to be back to normal. We'll see what the chiro has to say about all of it when she feels my back and shakes her head at all work I UNDID last weekend but live and learn right?

Sometimes I have the dumbest ideas...

Yesterday was Autumn Leaves Ultra. I watched my sister in law and one of my dearest friends run their first 50ks. I watched a handful of other girlfriends run numbers 2-7. It was awe inspiring. The Hubbs and I were out there as pit crew and set up a yummy aid station. As SIL was coming in to finish her 2nd lap she looked strong but I know sometimes that middle portion can be a mind bender so I offered to keep her company for a loop (6.3 miles). This would be the farthest I had run since forest park in June but I was confidant that I had "at least" 6miles in me and what the hell? Ames needed me right? So, we set off on our loop. Her pace was steady and her head seemed firmly atop her shoulders. I was so excited for her as we ran. She seemed to just be floating along. It was easy to keep up and easy to keep her running. She seemed to be right on target to finish strong and at a pretty good pace. I was feeling pretty good. I was having some belly aches but it seemed like it was probably just round ligament stuff and I was able to keep running. My low back and very low front of my pelvis ached a bit but I thought that would eventually fade. I have learned that discomfort while running is like weather. If you just run long enough it will change. We were running and passing people on their way back who were smiling and high fiving Amy. We saw our other ladies out there just gliding along the path looking strong and confidant and fast. It was a stunningly beautiful fall day.

As Amy wound up the 3rd loop of her 5, I asked her how she was doing. She said great! She was feeling a little uncomfortable in places but nothing too bad. I told her I was thinking I would sit the next loop out and let her brother run it with her and then run the last one with her. Great! Game on. Well, almost....When we got back to the aid station he wasn't ready and hadn't gone to get his shoes from the car yet. I asked if he wanted to run 4 with her and he sort of hesitated (He really wanted to run 5 with her). I looked at Ames and just said "Ok, cool, I'll run 4 with you." In my mind I had wanted the "bad ass merit badge" for running a 1/2 marathon at almost 23 weeks pregnant. I wasn't soo sore. I told Amy to eat something and our friend Rose scooped her up and kept her moving while I lubed my hot spots on my toes and grabbed a snack myself. Not long after I was up and ready. I was hurting but the loudest voice in my head told me to hush up and support my sister in this awesome endeavor and to keep my mouth shut about how much my pelvis was hurting because she deserved support and she would have walked on a broken leg for me. By mile 3 (1/2 way through the loop) I could no longer run. Amy didn't mind this at all as she had been running almost all of the loops 1-3 and was ready for a mellow loop. We power walked and talked and she seemed mentally so very strong. I was sort of starting to fall apart. I was trying to remember if there was any way to short cut my way back to the aid station. She was through the hardest part and honestly seemed to be doing so damned well, I knew without a doubt she would finish this loop strong and in well under 2hrs. By the time we were at mile 4.5 we were still more than a mile and a half from the aid station and I was ready to cry. Every step I felt like I was breaking my pelvis right in half. My back screamed but my pubic bone felt like it was cracked right down the middle. I sent Amy on ahead after a little "go gettem'" pep talk and she took off strong down the path. I bent over, dizzy with pain.

It seemed like hours until I got back to the aid station but it was only 25min. I waddled in just as Amy and G were headed out. She still looked so fresh and enthusiastic. I was so proud. I told G I was dying and that I was just going to sit for a while, kissed him and sent him on his way. I sat down and ate some cottage cheese and a pumpkin cupcake and hoped that I would feel better. Getting up to the bathroom was like torture. Packing up almost had me on the ground. On the way home I called in sick to work for the next day.

When I almost fainted from walking around the grocery store I knew I had made a bigger mistake than I even knew. I wasn't going to the ER or anything like that. 1. I felt like a moron, 2. It would not do any good as there was nothing stronger than Tylenol for a pregnant lady and no way was I letting them x-ray my pelvis. I called my friend Sarah, the midwife I have known since childhood. She was once my Mom's partner in midwifery and then was my high school biology teacher. She has been the "Dial a midwife" when I can't ask my mom without worrying her and I am not sure I need to call my ladies and bother them. She told me if I had actually separated my pubic symphisis I would probably not be able to walk at all. She said I may have stretched it out though and that would be painful and I should take a bath, try to get in good alignment and go to bed.

Getting in and out of the tub and in and out of bed had me near tears for the rest of the night. Even rolling over in bed felt like broken glass. I cried out with every step down the stairs to the bathroom at 2am and could barely walk back to bed. I was pretty freaked out by the time I drifted back to a painful sleep. In the morning I felt a bit better. Not awesome but I could roll over without seeing spots and I could walk without holding my breath. I was so glad I took the day off. I would not have been able to do anything at work.

It is now later in the afternoon and I am continuing to feel improved. My pain is now about a 5/10 when I have to make any kind of lateral movement or isolated leg movements. Last night it was easily an 8-9/10. I am hoping to feel even better tomorrow, mostly because I don't want to call in sick again...

I feel stupid for not listening to my body. I feel stupid for pushing for no good reason. I am nervous that I had hurt something that is going to bother me for some time now. But I can say I ran a half marathon 22.5 weeks pregnant....for whatever that's worth. It is hard to learn the new limitations of my body. I have spent so much of my life trying to overcome the voice that says "you don't need to push, you're tired, your ankle hurts, better luck next time" that I have trouble trusting when the voice is real saying "you hurt and you are not lazy". I am still working on that one. In the mean time I am here in bed today with an ice pack on my pubic bone and tea from my sweet husband. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow but we will just have to see how it goes.

All that aside, I was fortunate enough to watch some of the most awesome women I know run one of my very favorite races ever on the most lovely fall day we have seen so far. It was a blessing to be sure. I was so proud of all of my friends and of the perfect strangers I saw out there making friends with their limits and then convincing the limit to be pushed just a little bit further.

Well, so much for that idea...

The contract was rejected. I could go on and on about the bullshit and cockamamie reasons people gave for voting no but I don't really care anymore. I am now focusing on the next 5 days and trying to keep myself from going hypertensive and or insane with worry. There is literally NOTHING left for me to do.

This morning G and I got up and went to breakfast and then hit the fabric store. I decided I needed one more day of living like everything was going to be fine. I needed one more sweet breakfast out with my husband before we start saving every last cent. I also needed a happy project. I needed the quilt supplies because I need something to look at when this is all over that shows it was not all a shitty time. I also need a reminder that being pregnant is GOOD and cheerful and happy and not just a ticking time bomb of expenses. Working on the quilt will be an active, tangible, joyful, productive reminder of how much I love this kid and how freaking excited I am to meet them and kiss them and smell the top of their head.

This afternoon we are getting ready to go run an aid station for the Running Chicks at the Autumn Leaves Ultra tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn. My sister and one of my very best friends in the world are running and since I can't run we are going to be the best pit crew EVAR! G and I looking forward to spending the day doing something for others and getting out of our own heads and worry. Nothing makes me feel shiny and optimistic quite the way supporting friends doing hard things does. I can't wait. I am also hoping to go at least one lap tomorrow too for a 6+ mile waddle.

So, yeah, they are now stacking the shit to throw at the fan. The strike notice has been given and if the company doesn't give us something better in the next 13 days we are out on the streets holding signs and shouting slogans....And yet, here I am cooking potatoes and dreaming of cutting up all of this lovely fabric for my baby's quilt. My life is a whirlwind at the moment but I am trying to keep my spirit safe in the eye of the hurricane where at least there is a little quiet and occasionally some sun.

A day for lists...

Things remain uncertain here on the home front. We are in the final day of voting on the new work contract and I voted YES. I voted that way after going to a meeting where one of the reps from the union stood up and read the entire contract to us and explained all of the changes and answered even the most inflammatory of questions with poise and dignity for all involved. No, we would not be seeing any great pay raises, yes, we will be required to start paying for our own health insurance, no, we will likely never get lunch breaks any longer and yes, we (my car and many others) will likely not be getting home on time much at all anymore but it is a contract with new protective language including a "just cause" clause for termination proceedings among many other things. It is a choice I made not out of fear, but honestly believing it will be what is best for my family and the majority of my coworkers. In this economy and with a company whose penultimate goal is MAKE ALL THE MONEY! GIVE NONE TO EMPLOYEES! It is sad but true. We happen to be paramedics but honestly we could be selling buttons. They are NOT in business to care for people, LEAST of all the people who are working for them. They are total corporate evil and they want to bend us over for every last dime just like the rest of the ginormocorps out there doing the same thing to middle class Americans and foreign workers world wide. Make the money, keep the money, work the workers harder, pay the workers less, protect the workers as little as possible. It is F*cking gross and I can't wait to be done working for such a scummy corporation. That said, I love my job. I am NOT ready to be done with that. However, I meant what I said about the party getting out of hand and I will be headed down RN lane here in the not so distant future. Sooooo, that is that. I am told we will know the results of the vote here tonight.

Anyway, lists, lists, lists. I am feeling like the stress is palpable enough where I am resorting to my basest of coping mechanisms. I am making lists of things. It is soothing. So here are the most recent lists.

Things that suck

1. Working in for profit health care

2. Listening to the beginnings of the republican run for the white house

3. Backaches

4. Stressed out husbands

5. Trying to sort out changes in health insurance

6. Having my mom live 3500miles away

7. Not winning the lottery

Things that are AWESOME

1. Fall weather

2. Maternity clothes (I am SOOO much more comfortable in them than in my non preg work pants

3. Feeling the baby move about so much more

4. Seeing the look on my hubb's face when he felt his first "kick"

5. Swimming! Almost cancels out backaches above

6. My Midwives. They are such embodiments of positivity and love. I feel great about them.

7. My work partner. I don't know what I'd do without him.

8. Getting to see my ladies run a 50k this weekend and being able to support them.

9. Cottage Cheese....need I elaborate? I thought not.

10. Last but not least my Husband. He continues to be my compass rose. He is feeling the stress and feeling responsible for protecting his family but he is unfailing in his optimism and love and even on the darkest days that is so often ALL you really need.....aside from cottage cheese.

Broken Hearts

I am listening to Florence and the Machine "Shake it up" and sobbing. I am not going to go deep into it but things at work are very uncertain. We are negotiating a new contract and it is going to some very frightening places with regards to insurance and pay. There is so much anger and resentment that we may strike. I am almost 5 months pregnant and my job is not something I can just do without. I am so scared. I am so sad. I am so sorry that I didn't finish nursing school. I am awash in a world of regret and sadness right now. I know that I am who I am because of the things I have done and not done. I would never have met G and I would not have the beautiful life I have now if I had chosen something else. Also, I LOVE being a paramedic. I never knew how much I loved it until just tonight when I started crying thinking about having to do something else so soon. I feel like I just got to the party and I missed the "good part" where everyone was having fun and laughing and now it is the part where everyone has had too much to drink and things are falling apart. I am so scared that things will be shaken up and I will no longer have insurance that covers my birth or affordably covers all the medical things that a new baby requires. I never imagined we would be looking at the very real possibility of starting this little one's life in a giant pile of debt. This sucks....

Working in health care for profit sucks!

There is a huge contract negotiation going on right now and I am scared. Really, honestly scared. If we vote 'yes' our house will be taking a 400$/month pay cut in the form of paying for increased insurance premium burden passed on by our employers who made over 4million dollars in PURE PROFIT last year. If we vote 'yes' we will not have a pay increase, even for cost of living adjustment for 2 years. If we vote 'yes' we no longer get what the company calls our lunch break but what is really used (if the timing works out to even GET one) for restocking, refueling and finishing up paper work just to be able to clock out on time, never mind "Lunch". So, as you can see voting 'yes' is pretty damned unattractive.

If we vote 'no' and there is a majority that also votes no we go back to the negotiating table. This is frightening because it has been said by those who were in on the negotiations that this is a one time offer to even KEEP the health plans we have at all instead of pushing us all onto a new very high (3k) deductible plan immediately as of 1/1/12. So, they say that if we vote 'no' we need to be ready to strike to get the company to give us what we want. I don't think I have an overwhelming majority of co-workers willing to go that far. People are afraid. I don't blame them. If we don't win and we are pushed to the new plan my midwives are no longer covered. My home birth is no longer covered. I will have the baby in March and be responsible for the first THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS of the bill and then I will still have to pay for 20% of everything that the insurance gets billed for. This plus unpaid maternity leave will sink us as a household. I don't know what to do. I hate the company I work for, for putting me in this kind of position. I hate feeling like they want to make more money so they are screwing my co-workers and I for everything. I hate the idea that I will be a F**CKING health care provider who will be forced to choose between a house payment or what is in the best interest of my family's health and well being. It makes me angry and frightened and sick to my stomach. I feel like the only thing to do is to get the hell out before the next contract rolls around.

I started investigating my nursing school options today....as if we can afford that either....But I'm not sure we can afford not to either....

News from the land where spirits soar and feet swell

Welcome to week 21. Things are going really well. The baby is the size of a rib eye steak (how exciting) and I am feeling more energy all the time. The flip side of that coin is that I am feeling my physical limitations change on if not a daily, then certainly a weekly basis. I think the baby is living pretty low in my pelvis making things like bending over to tie my shoes prematurely uncomfortable. I often feel like I want to put my hand down just above my pubic bone just to sort of "keep things in". It is an odd feeling since I still look only barely pregnant with the exception of my every expanding ass.

Work has been interesting. I actually saved a life last week. An elderly person was choking on breakfast and nobody wanted to "hurt" them by doing the Heimlich so there they sat dying in their chair. By the time we arrived they were cool and blue and had only a very slight pulse. I pulled them to the floor and my partner took a look in the mouth to see if there was something to grab which there was not. I used the mask and gave a few positive pressure ventilations to see if I could move any air into the lungs at all. After a few PPVs the obstruction moved enough to trigger a gag reflex and a cough/vomit of part of the obstruction. The pt was not out of the woods but we were making our way away from the light. I continued supportive care and attempts to further clear the airway en route to the hospital where the pt had several more episodes of vomit/coughing and cleared most of the obstruction without major intervention (ie elective intubation which would have posed serious risks in a person of such age and physical health). This may not sound like much but let me assure you that this person was dying right there in front of my eyes as I walked into that room. 5 more minutes and it would have been a very different outcome. What is the take away lesson? No, not that I am a bad ass who saved a life. The lesson is DON'T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING FOR F*CK'S SAKE!!! People were afraid to give this person abdominal thrusts fearing they would hurt them. They almost KILLED them with inaction. A few broken ribs or a bruised gut would have been much easier to fix than dead. Everyone knows how to do even a bastardized version of the Heimlich. Don't think you should wait for the professionals. We were less than 3 miles away and it took us mere minutes to arrive on scene and it was very nearly too late. DO SOMETHING. You will never be wrong.

So, there it is. That was my first real "save" of my young career. It felt really good. My partner and I both walked in there and said "holy shit this is not going to end well" and lo and behold it did. It was a tiny little reminder of why I do this job at all. It may have taken me 10 months but I made a difference just by being there. That feels good.

In other work related news I have begun contracting occasionally and it sort of sucks. I am looking forward to my apt with the Ladies the day after tomorrow because it sort of worries me but I am trying to keep calm about it. I never have any spotting or rhythm to it. It happens mostly when I have to carry heavy things and walk up stairs and mostly at the end of the day when I am likely dehydrated and tired. I am actually hoping they do a vaginal exam and tell me I am not having any cervical changes. That is enough about that.

I feel the baby move around a LOT. They are very very busy much of the time. It is nice. Reassuring. With everything else going on sometimes I just escape by sitting quietly and feeling the baby move inside of me. Rearranging furniture, oblivious to the goings on in the world. It is a very nice head space sometimes. Meditative almost. That said, I can't wait for the baby to get big enough to be felt moving and shaking on the outside. I want G to feel it and join in the wonder of the little person we made. (God, that sounds suuuuper cheesy but made me tear up.) We made a PERSON! That person is growing INSIDE me. I just think it is going to blow his mind to feel his baby kick or wriggle for the first time.

So, I bought a maternity swimsuit and it arrived today. I am beyond excited to take it for a swim tomorrow. I can hardly wait. I have been feeling so lazy and sedentary. It is time to pick up the pace a bit on my fitness. This body isn't going to get itself ready for labor and recovery. So, there you have it. Life is flying by at break neck pace and I am happy. I am scared and overwhelmed and unsure from day to day how we are going to pull it all off but damned if I'm not thrilled to be doing this and over the moon to be doing it with G. More after the visit with the Ladies on Friday.

-Anna

20 weeks and dancing

Tomorrow this little babe will be 20 weeks along. I had been saying I was "just about 19 weeks" all week...I am the worst pregnant lady ever. I also can't totally remember the due date they gave us....March 3rd? March 7th? Oh F! Who cares? This baby will come when it is ready and no circled date on the calendar is going to change that.

Things have been good. I am feeling much more like myself. I feel able to control my emotions much better that during the great hormone hurricane of the first trimester. To be honest that was some scary shit. I didn't expect to feel like I had fallen to the bottom of a well of overwhelmedness, loneliness and ambiguous feelings about my impending motherhood. I have wanted to be a mother for a long time. Even more acutely, I have wanted to be pregnant for a long time. I have always been so curious to know what this journey is all about. I wanted to know what my body would do, what it would look and feel like. During the first trimester I could have slapped myself for my curiosity. Now, that I have regained a more even keel I have done some reading about postpartum depression and looked into placenta encapsulation. I am feeling like I might be one of those women who is extra sensitive to big swings in hormones and I am thinking it will be prudent to try very diligently to assist myself in getting through the immediate postpartum phase without losing my perspective or my self in a snowstorm of hormone induced emotions. I am sure I will say more about this later but for now just know that I have spoken to my "Ladies" as I refer to the midwives who are so lovingly caring for me, I have spoken to my mother and the Hubbs and I have put everyone on notice that I am at risk for the shitty sads and could they please help me and know that I may need them in this particular way. Everyone was supportive, and totally on board. The Ladies were a little impressed according to G, that I was already noticing and thinking about how I am affected by hormones and looking to prepare myself to succeed in the postpartum stage. I love those women.

My mother recommended I listen to Brooke Sheilds' book "Down Came The Rain". It is a wonderful account of her struggle with PPD. She had it in the worst form. She had some DARK days. She also found her way out. It was clumsy and fraught with set backs but she made it and had a lovely relationship with her daughter and husband. She even breastfed. It was reassuring and educational. Hormone imbalances get sort of glossed over in my opinion. They get categorized as "lady issues" and it can feel like you are just lacking control over you mind. It sucks to feel so out of control and have the sense that you have completely lost your map to get back to yourself. Anyway....More on that as time goes by I am sure.

These days I feel the baby move a lot. It is still nondescript flips and bumps. It is still like there is a large goldfish swimming about in my pelvis. It is a happy goldfish though. I sing to the baby before bed. I put my hands on my belly and pick a few songs and when I am done I lay still and feel the baby dance. At first I was sure it was just a fluke but it happens every time now. I finish singing and the dance party starts. Sometimes it starts after the first song but it is lovely. I have felt only half connected to whatever it was inside of me insisting I pee nonstop all day and night, until now. I love our little night time routine. I can't wait for it to be a bit bigger so G can feel it on the outside. It is so amazing.

I am struggling to fit into my work pants and just waiting for my maternity blues to arrive. I grunt audibly when climbing into the ambulance and have a harder and harder time bending over to tie my shoes. It is strange. I also pee my pants when I sneeze if I have anything in my bladder at ALL. If that is an over share I only sort of apologize. We all pee and I just get to do it in new and exciting ways these days.

I am beyond glad that the heat of the summer has retired for the year. I was unsure how much more sweating ALL DAY at work I could tolerate. I also like my winter/fall maternity clothes. Some days I feel like a whale but mostly I feel pretty cute. I have started going to the gym again and as soon as my swimsuit arrives I am going to start hitting the pool for some laps. My low back has been achey for weeks and my mom has me convinced that the pool will help shake things out. In the mean time I am thinking about trying to run again now that I have "popped". Maybe the baby isn't directly competing for bladder space anymore and it won't be so uncomfortable. I really REALLY miss running and fall running....Ack! Don't even get me started on how hard it was to watch people run PDX marathon this weekend.

So, there you have it. Things are good. We have a list of shit to do a mile long, a list of shit to acquire a mile long, a list of shit to figure out half a mile long and I have no idea how we are going to do it all. The difference is now I feel like I can actively participate in the figuring it out part. I am no longer to sick, too exhausted to help. So, this morning I will start by folding the 3 giant baskets of laundry and putting them away. After that....I may go buy fabric for the quilt.

Strange New World

My body is rapidly and slowly changing. I feel chubby, clumsy and slow....I do not feel pregnant. I feel like I will never look pregnant. 4 months and counting....I just feel big. I am a big chubby ball of body image insecurity this weekend...my breasts look sorta odd, my ankles are swollen from the heat and I feel like a retired pro wrestler...This is not self pitty as I am knee deep in a goodwill purge and room clean. I am feeling "good" just wondering who's body I woke up in today.

And Then Before You Know It Things Change

I have not kept quiet about the struggles I have had with early pregnancy. I have been downright simpering about it all at times. But sometime in the last 2 weeks things shifted. It wasn't the weather because it is still hot as balls out here. It isn't that I have stopped peeing or thinking I need to pee every 5 seconds because that has not changed. It isn't that work got easier or sleep got better or even that my house got cleaner and I got better at being less of a slob. Nope, nothing external changed at all. So, what, you may ask, has changed? Well, for the past three months I have been supplying the growing briny little ocean I carry inside of me with all the hormones it needed to grow salty and warm (holy shit am I warm!), to establish a good blood supply and to create all the stuff needed for the growth and development of a happy starfish. I am now happy to report that I have done such a good job that the little ocean is now supplying its own hormones courtesy of the infrastructure I so nauseatedly and hotflashingly set up these last 3 months.

You see, when your body is cranking out the hormones like a teenager you FEEL and ACT like a teenager. You cry over things that don't require crying. You stress over nothing and you hate everything and resent almost everyone. You don't even get the benefit of the hormones coming on slowly over say the years 10-13...nope you get slammed starting about week 4-14. I would LOVE to see the graph curve on hormone levels in pregnant chicks. I bet it is crazy steep. So, yeah, I was a wreck. I don't know how some women get through first trimester without all the nasty but I congratulate them from the depths of my soul because I am here to tell you that shit got DARK in here. I was about 3 days from calling my midwives and saying I was scared I was depressed when things finally started to lighten up and I started to get my energy, my appetite and my sense of humor back. It arrived just in time for our dear friend's wedding too. THANK GOD! Whoever said "it is darkest just before dawn" was once pregnant I SWEAR!

So, I am still here, wearing mostly normal clothes, eating the foods I ate before the starfish moved in for the most part. I crave strange things like baked beans and shredded carrots. I am still very averse to tomatoes and chicken. I sometimes look at my belly and wonder when it will look like there is someone living in there. I other times thank my lucky stars that I am still so strong and healthy and able to do my job. I only took one sick day my whole first trimester and that was the day we flew home from Maine. I was a blubbering, white rice eating, zofran popping, depressed ball of nausea and terror for the last 3 months. Sometimes I felt like I was just hanging on by the skin of my teeth, but it passed. I am still afraid of things and more easily overwhelmed than my nonpregnant alter ego. Mostly I am afraid that my two best local girlfriends won't want to be my friends anymore or as much once the baby is born. I am afraid of losing myself to diapers, nap times and breastfeeding. But it is manageable. I have a really wonderful team supporting me from my mother to my adopted mothers across the nation, my midwives, my work partner, my friends and most of all the absolute best man I know. I know lots of women say this but I swear to god I have the best one. He is patient, he is kind, he loves me even though I am burping for two now, sweating like a long-haul trucker and sometimes get the crazy at inappropriate times. He reminds me that this is all for good and that he is beside me no matter what. He takes out the gross smelling things I leave in the fridge and rubs my back when I can't get comfortable and the world is too hot. He is the master chef of white rice cooked in chicken broth as well as medium rare steaks on the grill. He loves my mother, is good to his own and believes in me. What more could a girl want in a best friend and husband.

So, here's to you second trimester. I thought people were just blowing smoke up my ass by saying "It gets better! Just wait till second trimester!" But ya know what? Second trimester is looking up. Energy, optimism, and appetite...I may just survive this pregnancy thing after all.

Sometimes the most important thing to say is "You're not alone"

Anyone who has read the last few posts can probably guess that I have been struggling with emotions/hormones/body changes/fear of the future. I really have been. What has been making it worse is that I have spent literally WEEKS feeling like the only woman to ever feel this way. Part of me suspected that was stupid but I just couldn't be sure and nobody ever talks about this stuff. Its not in any of the books and it is barely mentioned in any of the many (good) blogs I have read. Sure, ladies cop to being moody and exhausted early in 2nd trimester but everyone seems to wave a hand over it like it lasted as long as a lingering fart. Nobody ever admits to feeling days on end or better parts of weeks like a crazy person afraid they are about to jump into a river of fire.

I talked to my good friend Sarah last week. I have known her since I was in the 6th grade. She used to be a midwife with my mother and then she became my high school biology teacher. I went to school with her kids and her husband was one of the most influential teachers of my life. She is a special lady. Her daughter Megan, is a few years younger than me and due almost any day with her first baby. Sarah will be flying out to the west for the birth. She still rocks a very supportive maternal vibe. She has always been a 'with women' sort of lady and that has not changed in her years away from active midwifery. Anyway, I started talking to Sarah early in my pregnancy when I was trying so hard to keep the secret from my mom until I could tell her face to face. I called Sarah when I needed the mom voice and the midwife advice or affirmation that "no, no woman has ever died from nausea. Yes, funky heartbeats can be a very normal part of pregnancy. Chin up, you are doing beautifully". She totally made it possible to surprise my mom at 9+ weeks.

I had some funky heart stuff that was lasting longer than I thought it should and I was becoming afraid that it might mean I couldn't have a home birth. I called my mom and asked her advice. If I ever wondered how much my mom loves me I know now. She sort of freaked out on me. I didn't understand at first and was pretty pissed. She seemed like she didn't want to give me advice and like she thought I was being an overly dramatic teenager about it. She kept saying "You're getting all worried about it..." I didn't think I WAS that worried I just wanted to know if it was normal or not. Anyway, smash cut to G and I hiking in the woods a few days later and the wise soul that he is G said it perfectly. She lives a zillion miles away and is probably worried all the time about something happening that she can't fix. She is probably just saying "stop worrying. I am worried enough for the both of us." And that made so much sense. She has taken care of women for a very long time and seen the power of the mind and the body. She has had to remain an unbiased medical professional for these women. Not to say she didn't care deeply about many of them but she always had to put the personal and the emotional second to the best interest of mom and baby. I am HER baby. She is almost certainly incapable of putting the emotional aside. She just wants to be my mom and let my midwives be my midwives. That is fair. It was not very sensitive of me to try to make her my mom and my encyclopedia of women's health and pregnancy. Once I realized this things got a lot easier.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that I have been sort of a mess. Turns out I had a UTI. Bummer! But the emotional side of it was even worse than the three drops every 5min. I was sad and lonely and frustrated and just feeling so negative. I called Sarah. I was so blue I was afraid to call my mom because I was afraid I was actually depressed...like capital D. I didn't want her to worry about her little girl all the way out here feeling awful so I called Sarah. I was sobbing by the time she answered the phone. We talked a bit and she told me how normal this all is. She told me that lots of women struggle to get the rhythm and that nobody talks about it but many many feel it. I needed to hear that. I got off of the phone feeling buoyed and even laughing a little. I no longer felt like the worst pregnant lady ever. I felt halfway normal even in my crappiness.

The next day I spoke to another dear Sara. This one is due any second with her first baby, a little girl. She will be 40 weeks today I believe. She has been doing a great job, especially these last few weeks when all she wants to do is push this baby out and start the next page of her life. She and I talked about all the crazy mental shit that you go through. She had a much longer "getting pregnant" window than I did but had assumed she would have a struggle but not as much of a struggle as she had. I came at it thinking I would surely have trouble and thus, would have lots of time to settle into the idea of it all and BAM....here I am. So we both had some adjusting to do. Her, to believing she was finally really pregnant and me to believing I was F-ing pregnant already. She told me about some of her mental gymnastics and trips to crazy town and I told her mine. We each agreed that the other's sounded totally crazy but totally legit and I can't speak for her but I felt a ton better after talking to her. I felt like I was not so alone.

So, I have purchased some suuuper cute maternity clothes, this weekend I get to marry two of my favorite people to one another in a community ceremony, and I am actively looking forward to seeing my husband all dressed up for the wedding this weekend and getting to spend a night in a fancy hotel. I think life is going to be good. So, sweet friends, I cannot promise there won't be more posts of the wahhh nature but I think I am turning a corner. I think I am gaining some perspective along with this little bump in my belly. This is real, it is moving faster than the speed of light, but it is magic and that is wonderful.

If you want a blissed out pregnancy blog entry read The Bump

I could write about how exciting and wonderful everything is. I could say how happy and zen I feel about the world. I could say that I feel like a goddess growing a tiny soul inside of me....but I would be totally lying to you all.

This week has been hard. Really hard. I have sort of had to start naming the monsters in the closet and inviting some of them out one at a time to fight to the death, or at least the mortally wounded. I haven't been in the lead on all of these fights this week.

I feel like nobody talks about this and thus, women are left feeling isolated, lonely and stone cold crazy. I feel like I have been depressed this week. I am sure the hormones play a significant part but damn. I have just been so sad and frightened and ambivalent about things this week, which then leads to feeling bad on top of bad for feeling that way in the first place. It has been a week of what G calls "Metta Worrying".

Some really wonderful friends of ours are getting married this weekend and I am officiating the ceremony. I am very excited about it but it is also going to be a long weekend as now it seems there are 4+ days of festivities in prep for the party on Sunday. There are multiple bachelor/ette parties, one of which takes G away to the coast for one night and another which involves everyone being intoxicated (except the knocked up among us) and singing Karaoke and then I think a rehearsal dinner and a welcome picnic....I am losing track. I should consult my spreadsheet again. Like I said it is going to be a blast but it is a bit drawn out for me in my current state of perpetual exhaustion considering I am taking 2 vacation days and working one extra shift to try and keep SOME vacation in the bank for when this munchkin arrives. Anyway, I was feeling all cranky and resentful because this is another weekend where I will spend almost no ALONE time with G. Running errands or working on folding laundry doesn't count. We have very sweet friends but last weekend our "date night" sorta got hijacked and the weekend before was spent working overtime to try to make up for the vacation we scheduled before we knew I was a ticking time bomb of unpaid maternity leave. I am so fucking ready for a "Fuck you world" vacation I could scream...no really.....the thought crosses my mind hourly. I am desperate to go sleep in a tent and wear my camping clothes and breathe the mountain air I am dying inside.

This leads me to my depression/fears of the week. I know, I know! We WILL make room for this baby. We will figure out how to live our lives and continue to adventure after they arrive. The shit of it is that right now, I don't have a warm, grunting, sweet smelling bundle of love to cuddle to my chest and flood me with love hormones. I don't even have the reassuring bumps and kicks in my belly to convince me this is a person and not just bad Thai food and a UTI. Right now I just have my insecurities about how much weight NOBODY else but me seems to have gained in the first trimester, I have my ill fitting wardrobe with no real baby belly to make the chub look "cute", I have my doubts about all of this, I have my fear that I am ruining our lives and we will hate each other when this all shakes out, I have my fear that I will not be able to hack it alone for 4 days a week during our days "on", I have my fear that being exhausted will make me a basket case 24/7/365 until the kid leaves for university and I have the bathroom....I live there these days as the 8cm, 2oz of baby nestles in on top of my bladder and insists on punching the pillows fluffy. All of my fears are selfish. I am feeling SO unready for all of this this week.

I get that "oh poor me. I got pregnant at the drop of a hat" should thank my lucky damned stars and shut the hell up about it. I get how lucky I am but this is hard work people. This is hard emotional work. I can't just go run it out. I cant out run it either. I just have to figure it out and for me this is hard. Feeling the last vestiges of queasy doesn't help either. I am a mess.

How come nobody ever talks about this part? My midwife says this is "the majority of women's dirty little secret about the first half of pregnancy". She says I am more than normal to feel this way and that is why we get 9 months...I don't know why we all insist on acting like roman soldiers about this. I am not 'complaining' per say. I am just telling the truth. I am beyond happy to be where I am. I cannot wait to meet this little person. I am on pins and needles to see G become a father but honestly, this is hard. Way harder than I thought it would be. I have never felt so crappy doing something so good.

Dancing in the dark

Yesterday was the Starfish's debut ultrasound. It sounds like we will have one more in another 8ish weeks for an Anatomy profile...whatever that is. But yesterday was pretty great. I have been spending far too much mental energy worried about the stupid little things. I am afraid our messy habits will make us bad parents. I am afraid I will never sleep again. I am afraid I will hate my job and wish I were home with my baby all the time. I am afraid we won't have enough money. There seem to be so many little details yet to work out and so many of those seem to be things that I am just going to have to wait and see. It is hard for me, the girl who wants to know where we are going for dinner so she can look up the menu on the web and decide what she wants to eat before she ever touches a menu. I like to know what's coming and this whole pregnancy thing is a bitch if you hate waiting.

We found out last week that I am a CF gene carrier and I talked about all of the fun associated with that. G is still waiting to hear from the Dr's office when he can get in a get screened but talking to the genetic counselor yesterday made us both feel a bit better about our options and the probability of our baby being born with CF. The point of this is that it had sort of put this odd pause on my mental/emotional connection with this little spirit. I was afraid we might see something 'game changing' in the testing and ultrasound. I was afraid to continue gestating my love and attachment in case the Dr said "Well, we don't see any movement" or "No skull..." all of that horrible shit flashed through my mind. I just sort of waited this last week. Yesterday, when the half crabby ultrasound tech squirted the warm gel on my belly I thought "well, game on kid. Let's see what ya got". And then I saw it. A round little head with a perfect nose. Arms, legs, I could even see the heart beating like a little firefly in their chest. I gasped. "It's a little person. Inside of me. That's our baby." Tears ran down my cheeks and the ultrasound lady said "wait, haven't you had an ultrasound elsewhere yet?' When I said no she said "Well, meet your baby." She then lead us on a guided tour of all of the reassuring landmarks like the skull, the nuchal tube, fingers, toes, nose, and butt. She told us the baby was right on growth for 12 weeks and 5 days and that everything looked "just as it ought to". She tilted me on my head and got the little one to move around and we could see the jaw just moving away and the arms moving around. G joked, "It's definitely your kid. It's already talking with it's hands".

It may sound stupid and maybe I am already doing it wrong, but I fell in love with this little one yesterday. I have been walking around feeling like I ate bad Thai food for the last 3 months and yesterday, seeing a tiny human shaped form swimming around and napping on my bladder I felt like I might just be someone's mom after all. It is still so very surreal but somehow just a little more real today. Last night I had amazing dreams. I dreamt I was flying and dancing and I didn't have to come down unless I wanted to take a running start and fly again. I was moving all over the sky and the music was awesome. I felt like something out of a movie. I awoke this morning feeling happy and not ill. I had slept for 6hrs without waking up to go to the bathroom. I woke up feeling so good, I think I'll clean out the fridge.

Navigating a Minefield

So, I had my first prenatal appointment this week and it was lovely. I adore my midwives and trust the process of the home birth practice so implicitly it felt like coming home. I grew up in an office very similar to the office of my midwives. Small, comfortably furnished, cozy, personal, practical.... It is so much like my mom's office I half expected her to walk through the door at any moment.

We sat and chatted about my medical history and about G's family history. We talked about how the pregnancy has been going thus far and ways to work through the nausea and constipation. I was reassured that I was doing everything right and that it will almost certainly get easier as I cruise into my second trimester. We talked about what sort of testing G and I are comfortable with and what we felt we MUST have or would really like to avoid. I decided to get screened to see if I am a Cystic Fibrosis gene carrier. My family has zero history of it and I just assumed that I would not be a carrier. La la la we drew some blood, peed in a cup and went out to lunch.

Two days later I am sitting at the airport waiting for a woman who is having some post-partum bleeding 5 days out from normal healthy vaginal delivery yet trying to fly home to Saudi Arabia to decide weather or not she will let us take her to the hospital. She and her husband are speaking to a ticket agent in the ladies room as she nurses the teeny tiny 5 day old. I (as per usual) have to pee so badly I am about need a snorkel so I walk to the other end of the terminal to use the other bathroom as the closer one is the location of the ticket agent meeting. I see that I have some missed calls and a voicemail. It is my midwife. Thank god she didn't do the "we need to talk about some labs so call me" thing. She straight up told me that my screen came back positive for the CF carrier gene.

All I am going to say about CF is that it is bad. True it can come in many shades of awful but the fact of the matter is it is almost always really a super shitty thing to go through. There is a TON of great information on line if you are curious but it is a big possibility that if your munchkin is born with CF they will need a lung transplant or will possibly not live to see their 5th birthday and if they do you will see many days in and out of specialists offices, NICUs, and emergency rooms. CF is fucking horrible. You slowly or quickly lose elasticity of your lungs and have trouble breathing and coughing. A chest cold could kill a person with CF. I saw a few families over and over and over again at the ED where I worked, who were just hollowed out by this thing. It sucks. That said, it takes 2 sets of the gene, one from each parent, to make it even possible for the baby to have it. It is also recessive so even if both parents have the gene the baby has a 25% of having CF, a 50% chance of being a carrier and a 25% of not even being a carrier so the odds are good but the stakes are HIGH! So, wisely my midwife says "Here's the deal, you should have the first trimester scree which includes an ultrasound and if your insurance will pay for it you should definitely have G tested. You should consider having him tested even if you have to pay out of pocket. When you go for that first tri appointment they will see the results of your CF screen and they will offer you a meeting with a genetic counselor. Take it. You will be much better informed and you will be able to make a better plan after that." So, I did. And on Wednesday we are going in for an ultrasound (about 7 weeks earlier than I had planned on having one) and more labs and an hour meeting with a genetic counselor.

I was pretty bummed at first. I was just sad to have to deal with this. Sad to have to make these kinds of appointments and possibly have to make these kinds of decisions. It doesn't even feel like I am pregnant yet, just chubby and hot and having to pee CONSTANTLY with odd aversions to food. I was just starting to feel like I was making my way out of the woods and into the second trimester. This has sort of put an odd hold on all of my emotions. I just want to wait and see what happens when we get G's results back....then see what the GC says....then see if we need to do an amnio....then see if we need to make any really shitty choices....and not just about CF....It is so surreal and I know in my gut that everything is going to be alright but my busy little brain has trouble keeping an even keel sometimes and I have to shut down being excited so I don't worry myself out of it. I will keep you posted.

Good bye nausea. Hello Starfish!

Week 9 has come and gone and with it appears to have gone the worst of the food aversions and nausea. Thank GOD! I was honestly beginning to think I was never going to want to eat real food ever again. We finished up our work week and in a haze of exhaustion we threw together our bags and passed out for a few hours before the alarm clock dragged us up and out to the airport. 16hrs later we were standing at baggage claim 2 hugging Mom and C. We were in Boston. We had made it to the hot and humid east.

I was all butterflies and nerves as we walked to the parking garage. How was I going to tell her? Did she already know? Could she tell just by looking at me? I finally said "Hey Mom, do you still have a doppler kicking around?" She said, "Uh yeah, why?" I said "Well, because I heard you can hear fetal heart tones between 10 and 12 weeks." She said "Oh shit", and started to giggle. C said she had her suspicions (Mother of 3 daughters and grandmother of 6 grandlambies) when I hadn't been calling my mom on a regular basis (because all I wanted to say to her was "MOM, help. I feel awful!"). Mom said she must have suspected something because when she was packing a cooler for us she put pickles in and as she said she has never packed pickles in a cooler EVER. Funny!

We got back to the house and she dug up the doppler. The starfish must have been hiding in the back because we could hear me just as clear as day but no starfish to be found. I wasn't worried. I was a little surprised actually, that I wasn't worried. I was confidant that starfish was in there and healthy but just probably hidden behind my poor guts. The next night after my first veggie rich dinner in 2 months, I hit the living room floor again and this time the starfish was right there. Woosh woosh woosh....I was blown away. There it was healthy and strong, about 170 times a minute. There was the baby. Heart already beating strong there in my belly. G came in from the kitchen and we both held our breath and just listened. Before I knew it all three of us had tears in our eyes. Holy crap! It's really real. G held my hand and kissed my head and looked like he was going to cry. "That's our baby" he said. "Yeah, there they are".

So, that was the night we met the Starfish for the first time. I can't wait to wait a few days and hear it grow stronger and easier to find. In the mean time my nausea seems to be coming in waves far less frequently and without the complete and utter aversion to all things nutritious. I have eaten salad, fish tacos with homemade salsa and even some steak. I am pumped to feel so much better. I missed food. I am looking forward to the second trimester, feeling better, looking pregnant not just chubby and more energy! I feel like this pregnancy thang is just going to get better and better. Keep your fingers crossed for the kumquat sized starfish and I! We'll keep you posted.

Tomorrow is a BIG day!

Tomorrow I am flying home to Maine to see my mom....and to tell her I am pregnant. Yup, PREGNANT! I am about 9.5 weeks along and feeling pretty good...by good I mean sick, averse to all things green and about a cup size bigger and holy hell sore. I have been writing blog posts as this whole thang has been developing so stay tuned if you're into this wacked out ride. If you know my mom or are a facebook friend please hold off on commenting as it is all super secret squirrel until I pop the cork on the news to my Momma.

Anyway, 9.5 weeks and I am feeling thick in the waist and a little freaked out about it. I feel like it is too soon for my clothes to be tight and I feel like my formerly very healthy diet now consists of no veggies (they are so repulsive right now! Sad), and lots of sugar and crackers. Suck! I had lost 5lbs the first 5weeks with the nausea and all but now I have gained that back in my craptastick diet. I know I shouldn't be obsessing about this but tonight after a 20+ hr day with 4 critical calls and a butt load of errands to run before we get to the airport at 0500 tomorrow I feel sad, fat and crazy... I am happy for my chance to be here but I am afraid I am going to ruin my healthy progress all in the first trimester. What the HELL?! Ok, crazy lady out....I have so much shit to do it's crazy. I'll let you know how "Grandma" takes the news.