Monday, January 20, 2014

4 Years

I hate to tie the two together but when I weaned Ramona she started sleeping through the night and I became a human being again.  I became a funnier, happier, more sane person again.  I could see the recognition on G's face and it was immediately followed by him trying to cover it up.  I was "myself" again.  Well, not really "myself" because I am never going to be QUITE the same person I was before becoming a mom.  That just isn't possible. But my humor and my energy had taken a pretty big hit from the hormones and sleep deprivation and weaning brought about a much needed and honestly, unanticipated change.  BUT weaning is a topic for another post.  THIS post is about how 4 years ago The Huz and I finished our days and met some friends at a bar where we exchanged rings and promised to show up for each other, the best we could, every day as long as we are together.  I know that sounds a bit equivocal but as the child of parents who split after 34 years together I was profoundly averse to saying "forever, till death do us part....I promise...." It all seemed totally impossible to promise and almost seemed to invite disaster.  Instead, we declared our intentions to be each other's best friend, partner in adventure and struggle, confidant and coach, nurse and maid and reality check keeper.  All of those things seemed very doable.  All of that felt very honest.

Four years later we have lived in two different houses, survived a family wedding, welcomed a daughter, became exponentially closer with at least a dozen people, started putting me through nursing school, started bike commuting and about a hundred other smaller victories, defeats and adventures.  Right after Ramona was born and really that whole first 18 months we struggled in new and different ways individually and as a couple.  We were tired and out of our depth.  We were trying to keep all the bills paid and plan for the future.  I battled some pretty shitty post-partum anxiety and depression without really understanding how bad it was until it passed.  We lost some dear friends who just didn't care to "get it" when our priorities shifted.  We never had sex anymore...or at least not like before.  The one thing that saved us though, as if I could really say it was just one thing, was that we gave the other one the benefit of the doubt MOST of the time.  90% of the time we managed to keep in mind that if the other was being an asshole it was likely because they were up against something hard them self and not because they were trying to be a shit.  When I keep this in mind it makes it MUCH easier to move through whatever struggle we are in.  It keeps me from being too resentful or keeping score because I know that sooner or later I will be in the other seat and will very much hope to be given the same benefit of the doubt.  We happen to fancy ourselves excellent communicators with one another as well so that helps but really its just keeping an open mind to the other person's struggles.  At 4 years we feel like that has carried us through the bulk of our shit thus far. 

At four years we are better friends, more in love, parents....A lot has happened since that night.  Having a child has been hell on us in a lot of ways nobody likes to talk about.  I worry about horrible things all the time.  I don't let them eat me alive but I know too much about the evil in the world to ever NOT worry.  I am tired most of the time.  I am getting better at working up to my full potential despite my tired but I was more fun when I slept more.  I feel differently about my body since having a baby.....and this is the hardest one.  I still feel like I have all of this skin and flab and I feel like a mom body in the not sexy way.  I would love to have the kind of schedule that made working out easier instead of the insane full time work 4am-4pm 4 days a week and school and a house to keep and an amazing kid I want to have adventures with schedule that means I get even less sleep than my 5 hours a night if I want to work out during the week.  If it didn't insult my belief that I can learn to love and care for the body I have I would get a tummy tuck in a hot second.  Not even lipo just a bit of help with the mom flap...Anyway, he still thinks I beautiful and that is great but its really an inside job at this point.  Its my work to figure out how to feel happy and sexy in this body while keeping up my efforts to be strong and healthy instead of fixated on a weight or a size.  I refuse to raise my daughter in an example of "dieting" or calorie counting.  My mom was body negative and obsessed and it has certainly transmitted at least at the level of the constant thoughts about how I don't fit into the clothes I wish I did or look the way I wish I did....So, no.  Not for my daughter.  She will grow up running, riding bikes, playing hard and eating real food.  Real cheese, real meat, real dairy, real veggies that still look like veggies.  She will learn to celebrate her body and to know food as an act of love and health. 
.....Anyway, I have so much to write about and so little time.  I am writing this morning as R is at her Aunties and G is asleep next to me.  We had a child free night last night to celebrate 4 years and the dogs still woke me up at 8 to give them breakfast....jerks.  But yes, 4 years is a happy landmark for us.  There will be more babies and more struggles and more adventures to come but for today, for right now I just want to take a second and celebrate how much I love my partner in crime and state for the record that had I known then what I do now, I would have said "Til death do us part".

Mindfulness in every day life.

I couldn't possibly catch up on everything that has happened since my last post, in one post.  I am not going to try except to say that life has been wonderful, challenging, exhausting, inspiring, educational and humbling.  I don't mean to sound negative at all when I say motherhood is like sandpaper to my ego and preconceived notions.  Motherhood wears away at all of those things slowly and sometimes quickly but constantly always rubbing, rubbing, rubbing it down and changing the surface of it.  Motherhood has made me such a different person in so many ways.  I care so much more than I ever thought I could about things like where my kid's food comes from and how I choose to speak to her about just about anything.  I care so much less than I ever expected about other things like what my mother thinks about my extended breastfeeding and my gradual weaning of a toddler.  I feel like everything I do with her and for her matters.  Some of it matters a lot more or less but it all matters. 

In my study of Buddhism there is a thing you do when you go to retreat called Oryoki.  It is a mindfulness practice for eating.  Everything you do and every way you move is prescribed.  The goal is to practice bringing awareness to even the minutia of how you hold your spoon.  The idea is to become more mindful of all the ways you move in the world and to let that permeate into your thoughts and speech and so on.  While my practice of meditation has been seriously lacking in the last two years my practice of mindfulness has been daily.  My life is permeated, if not totally, at least largely, by the mindfulness brought to me by the sandpaper of motherhood.

The Huz and I had talked a LOT about how we wanted to raise a kid and when she appeared to us as a daughter we talked about how to foster self reliance and strength to counter the culture's prevailing message that girls are weak and dependent and fragile.  We talked about how to address things from bonked knees to first broken hearts.  We decided to try out the method of giving her space when she experiences minor injuries and physical accidents, asking her if she could tell us what happened, and then offering hugs, kisses to booboos etc, and letting her decide what she needed from us.  At 1 year it looks something like this in practice: Starfish falls down while cruising the coffee table.  Bonks head on floor.  Commence super pissed off crying.  After initial assessment that there is no blood and the baby is screaming mad (medics LOVE screaming mad babies because it means they are probably just fine but at least they are not unconscious) Mom: "Sweetie did you fall? <Pause> Was that scary? <pause> Are you hurt?"  At this point I would ask her if she wanted me to pick her up OR just pick her up if precariously positioned.  Mom: "What happened?" Baby:"Wahhhh *babble, shout cry, point emphatically*".  Mom: "Are you mad? Falling down can be scary.  Learning to walk can be frustrating.  I'm sorry you fell. Lets rub your bonked head and make it better".....In a two year old who has been approached with this method it looks like this; Starfish falls down and skins knee running home from a friend's house.  Baby: "Waaah!  Ouchie kneee!" *Pulls up pant leg and rubs skinned knee* "Make it better! Make it better! * kisses own hand and applies to wounded knee and then to bonked elbow. Turns and looks at mom who asks if she is ok and says "Wrunning and bonk knee.  Ouchie Knee.  Make better.  Wrunning!  Sree, Two, Wun!" and takes off running again.  Certainly your mileage may vary but in general, I believe kids can be taught to process with emotional intelligence starting very young.  Instead of always scooping her right up and freaking out about every bonked head you can give a kid some space to figure out how they feel about it and decide if they need additional resources to manage whatever it is.  Certainly sometimes she is being a toddler and she is tired and fragile and drops a matchbox car and dissolves into tears but that's actually ok as well.  She may or may not want to climb up into my lap and snuggle.  She may or may not want me to listen as she shouts about how she fell off of her bike or tripped on the front steps or stood up into the edge of the table.  But the important thing is that SHE decided what she needed and she ultimately soothed herself.  Nobody tells her to walk it off or suck it up.  Nobody forces kisses and cuddles either.  Sometimes she wants kisses on a booboo and then, still mad and crying she gets down out of my arms, and goes back to whatever she was doing, still crying.  I call it "working it out". 
Its not just for injuries or sad emotions either.  If she goes to a new place or meets new people and needs a minute or two to adjust we point that out to her quietly as well.  Mom: "Are you overwhelmed/nervous/scared?  Its ok to feel that way.  I get X sometimes too.  Do you want me to pick you up/hold your hand/sit with you for a minute?"  I think we are in such a rush all the time that we forget to pause and let change settle in.  We forget to take 30 seconds or two minutes to let a child or ourselves adjust to a new thing or a change in the plans.  We rush and rush and then wonder why we feel upset or have a stomach ache or headache later.  We don't let our mind and body connect and process ANYTHING and it shows. 

Anyway, I never anticipated becoming such a turbo hippie.  I never thought I would spend so much time fostering this little woman's emotional health and mental well-being from the start.  I read a lot of books that had one or two ideas that resonated with me about discipline or development and the rest seemed like crap or too rigid.  But, here I am....just cobbling it together the best I can.  Trying as hard as I can to have intention in the bulk of what I do because it matters.  It all matters.