4 Years

I hate to tie the two together but when I weaned Ramona she started sleeping through the night and I became a human being again.  I became a funnier, happier, more sane person again.  I could see the recognition on G's face and it was immediately followed by him trying to cover it up.  I was "myself" again.  Well, not really "myself" because I am never going to be QUITE the same person I was before becoming a mom.  That just isn't possible. But my humor and my energy had taken a pretty big hit from the hormones and sleep deprivation and weaning brought about a much needed and honestly, unanticipated change.  BUT weaning is a topic for another post.  THIS post is about how 4 years ago The Huz and I finished our days and met some friends at a bar where we exchanged rings and promised to show up for each other, the best we could, every day as long as we are together.  I know that sounds a bit equivocal but as the child of parents who split after 34 years together I was profoundly averse to saying "forever, till death do us part....I promise...." It all seemed totally impossible to promise and almost seemed to invite disaster.  Instead, we declared our intentions to be each other's best friend, partner in adventure and struggle, confidant and coach, nurse and maid and reality check keeper.  All of those things seemed very doable.  All of that felt very honest.

Four years later we have lived in two different houses, survived a family wedding, welcomed a daughter, became exponentially closer with at least a dozen people, started putting me through nursing school, started bike commuting and about a hundred other smaller victories, defeats and adventures.  Right after Ramona was born and really that whole first 18 months we struggled in new and different ways individually and as a couple.  We were tired and out of our depth.  We were trying to keep all the bills paid and plan for the future.  I battled some pretty shitty post-partum anxiety and depression without really understanding how bad it was until it passed.  We lost some dear friends who just didn't care to "get it" when our priorities shifted.  We never had sex anymore...or at least not like before.  The one thing that saved us though, as if I could really say it was just one thing, was that we gave the other one the benefit of the doubt MOST of the time.  90% of the time we managed to keep in mind that if the other was being an asshole it was likely because they were up against something hard them self and not because they were trying to be a shit.  When I keep this in mind it makes it MUCH easier to move through whatever struggle we are in.  It keeps me from being too resentful or keeping score because I know that sooner or later I will be in the other seat and will very much hope to be given the same benefit of the doubt.  We happen to fancy ourselves excellent communicators with one another as well so that helps but really its just keeping an open mind to the other person's struggles.  At 4 years we feel like that has carried us through the bulk of our shit thus far. 

At four years we are better friends, more in love, parents....A lot has happened since that night.  Having a child has been hell on us in a lot of ways nobody likes to talk about.  I worry about horrible things all the time.  I don't let them eat me alive but I know too much about the evil in the world to ever NOT worry.  I am tired most of the time.  I am getting better at working up to my full potential despite my tired but I was more fun when I slept more.  I feel differently about my body since having a baby.....and this is the hardest one.  I still feel like I have all of this skin and flab and I feel like a mom body in the not sexy way.  I would love to have the kind of schedule that made working out easier instead of the insane full time work 4am-4pm 4 days a week and school and a house to keep and an amazing kid I want to have adventures with schedule that means I get even less sleep than my 5 hours a night if I want to work out during the week.  If it didn't insult my belief that I can learn to love and care for the body I have I would get a tummy tuck in a hot second.  Not even lipo just a bit of help with the mom flap...Anyway, he still thinks I beautiful and that is great but its really an inside job at this point.  Its my work to figure out how to feel happy and sexy in this body while keeping up my efforts to be strong and healthy instead of fixated on a weight or a size.  I refuse to raise my daughter in an example of "dieting" or calorie counting.  My mom was body negative and obsessed and it has certainly transmitted at least at the level of the constant thoughts about how I don't fit into the clothes I wish I did or look the way I wish I did....So, no.  Not for my daughter.  She will grow up running, riding bikes, playing hard and eating real food.  Real cheese, real meat, real dairy, real veggies that still look like veggies.  She will learn to celebrate her body and to know food as an act of love and health. 
.....Anyway, I have so much to write about and so little time.  I am writing this morning as R is at her Aunties and G is asleep next to me.  We had a child free night last night to celebrate 4 years and the dogs still woke me up at 8 to give them breakfast....jerks.  But yes, 4 years is a happy landmark for us.  There will be more babies and more struggles and more adventures to come but for today, for right now I just want to take a second and celebrate how much I love my partner in crime and state for the record that had I known then what I do now, I would have said "Til death do us part".