Sunday, August 19, 2012

Baby steps...

So, the breasts are still a mess. I talked to my mom today and apparently three weeks of ground glass breast pain is "pager worthy". I got ahold of my Midwives (who I worship like the magical goddesses they are) and tomorrow I start two weeks of meds for this icky stuff. I think my boobs feel a little better tonight just knowing help is on the way. The funniest part of the whole thing had to be when I told her I had been hurting for three weeks and the Queen of the midwives (the toughest, smartest, sorta socially awkwardest) said "oh Honey! That sounds horrible!". And then went on to lament lactation consultants who try to treat systemic yeast with "boiling things and topical creams! It drives me crazy!" It made me laugh.

So, this morning after a totally wild night on the part of the starfish, I pried myself from bed just about the time she decided to nap. I got a wild hair and set to work with phase one of baby-proofing. In this phase you have to purge some shit and move some other shit and make space for things you don't want in the baby's paws or mouth in other rooms while trying to maintain some semblance of "adultness" about the house. I have begun this process in the most predictable way. I found some free furniture on the side of the road. No? Not predictable? Huh. Anyway, I was out running with tiny and this guy was just putting this cool old dry sink out with a free sign on it. I told him I wanted it and boggied home to get the Jeep. This piece is ideal because it has doors and is thus babyproofable. It has replaced an open book case that was our ever cluttered front door catchall. Today I cleared out the bookshelf and yadda yadda yadda moved a ton of stuff to better homes and tossed a big box of crap. It felt soooo good! I have been following the tumblr "unfuck your habitat" and it is all about tiny steps to help us mere mortals live less messy, chaotic lives. It recommends 20 minute cleaning flurries and simple daily tasks to help avoid the overwhelming super cleans. All morning I just kept telling G "I just want to finish unfucking the front room, the baby room, the kitchen, the WORLD!!". I was on a roll! It was amazing. I am happily sitting in the living room (not totally unfucked yet but waay better) enjoying a cocktail feeling pretty good about life.

After "The Great Unfucking" as I will be referring to it, we went hiking. We did a 5mile hike in the beautiful woods downtown. Starfish was quite happy to ride in the backpack and we kept up a hearty pace up and back. It felt awesome. There is a big part of me that feels like being pregnant was such a cardiovascular demand that I never really stopped working out. I swam and hiked and ran for the first half too. I didn't really slow down until after R was born. In fact, the day I went into labor I swam in the morning. It was more about managing the swelling but I swam for 45 minutes none the less. Thats right, I was a giant swollen tough girl. :)

Anyway, my point is that my recent workouts have been much easier than expected. Pushing the jogger is fun AND leads me to better posture making my back much less sore. But best of all, it makes working out something I can do with tiny. I was so afraid that I would be too lazy or weak to be one of those women who worked out after baby. Well, this girl is a smaller, less swollen, flabbier version of the badass mentioned above and she IS totally the kind of mom who runs long distances with a kiddo in the jogger! I meant what I said about making a serious effort to be a positive body image role model for my daughter and well, it isn't going to happen on its own. So tomorrow is another day, full of things to do and spaces to baby-proof but happily it will start with an early morning run. One foot in front of the other.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

If everyone knew how glam breastfeeding is they'd all be doing it

So, I have been back to work for a month now and all in all its going pretty well. Pumping is hugely inconvenient and way more stressful than I had anticipated. That said, I am thrilled to be producing enough milk to more than keep up with her demand, no matter how crappy it feels to have to put my ambulance out of service to pump OR worse yet, to be trying to stealth pump without going out of service and to get a 911 call as soon as I manage to let down. Ffffff! Its the worst.

Yes, I am managing, even with the crazy crazy heat, to keep up. I am not however, managing to do it without a price. I have a totally awful yeast infection (breast not lady land) and it is 1.Super hard to get rid of and 2.Makes me want to drive my car off a bridge. Seriously! I have painful lumps and sore pink nipples and owie owie owie!
I saw a lactation consultant last week and she gave me ideas. The problem is that during the work week I dont have time to take proper care of my gear or my "gear". If I am pumping in back of the rig (ewww gross! Hate soo much!) I dont have access to a sink or any other way to clean up. When I get to a hospital and get to pump in a real pumping room I have only so much time and thus rush around maybe getting to steam my gear maybe not. It sucks to feel so rushed and to have to hurry to the point of giving myself this infection. I hear people when they say "you have to just do what is best for your baby and work can wait" but unfortunately that just wont work. I need to be a team player. I need to keep my dispatcher happy. I need to write charts, and care for patients. Like I said, this is a LOT harder and more stressful than I ever expected. So, here I am. I think I need to call my midwives. I think I need some meds to help with this. I am sore and exasperated. I feel like a failure for not keeping clean and healthy. I want to just go back to being home and not pumping four times a day. I want a money tree in the back yard.... And a pony.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Then you wake up to a 6 month old!!

Tiny girl turns SIXMONTHSOHHOLYSHIT! Old next week. I have been back to work for three weeks and Papa has been keeping the home fires burning. He is doing a phenomenal job too. He cooks, cleans, caters to our ever increasingly demanding, MOBILE ( more on that later) daughter with tenderness and insight that moves me to tears. He is loving, adventurous and kinda hot as a "dad". He is also being super honest with me about how tough it is to be 100% present for the baby for 13+ hrs a day for multiple days on end.

At first I was frustrated. I heard a loud voice in my head anytime he expressed feelings of tiredness or overwhelmedness. "You think YOU're tired?! I have been growing this critter and now feeding her for over a year! It has LITERALLY been I don't know how long since I have slept for more than 4 hours! You have absolutely NO concept of tired or overwhelmed!". Then I stopped, shook it off like one of those St Bernards in Beethoven part 2, and realized that it is ALL about context. He is tired. He is overwhelmed. This is the most a lot of things he has ever been and he is just as entitled to his feelings as I am and a good partner puts that bitchy "let me tell you..." voice in timeout and hears her partner out with a quiet mind and a soft heart. This shit is tough folks. There is a lot that we cant fix. There are even plenty of things that we cant take the sting out of *coughmyutterlackofsexdrivecough* but we (I) can try harder to show up for him. I can dig deep and find a few more bits of energy to give to him.

Equity will look very different for a while still. I am trying hard to get my body back in good shape for work as much as for vanity and I am still pumping and nursing. It takes a lot of time and I am not sleeping so I am pretty wiped out but it is time to toughen up and adapt for the Huz. He needs his teammate back and I dont think it is too much to ask.

In the words of The Weepies "the world spins madly on". Ramona started crawling, summer is wrapping up and life is fuller than ever. I would not change this life for all the gold in the world. It is both harder and richer than I could have ever imagined or hoped. I can see the days pass and tiny grow bigger, stronger, more curious right before my very eyes. It is a wild and wonderful fog of wiggles and diapers and soft chubby limbs. At six months I can say I have never known this kind of love...now to get the rest of my life back together :)