Saturday, October 13, 2012

Tough stuff

Let me start by saying I love my husband. Let me next say I adore my daughter. I am very VERY happy to be a wife, a mother, a woman living this particular life. All of that said, this is some tough stuff.

Hubbs and I did a LOT of talking about how we wanted to raise this tiny person. We talked about sharing, being equal, continuing to communicate openly. The last two weeks have been hard. I feel like every time I find us in a "stage" I think there has never been such a tough one. That is of course, a lie. The first six weeks were the hardest. That learning curve is second to none. However, this most recent one has been harder than any of the others since week six.

Tiny girl is mobile, talking and teething. This means many things. She hasnt been sleeping very well. She gets overwrought and then sleeps in 90min chunks nursing hungrily and frequently. She wakes at 430 ready for the day. She is mobile. She is now strong enough to pull herself up to standing in the co-sleeper. This means she could easily swan-dive out, head first onto the floor. This means my mommy senses are piqued to shoot me from sleep at a moment's squeak. I rocketed awake to find her standing teetering on the edge just the other night. Needless to say, there are a few modifications in the works. For the immediate time being (the last two nights) she is sleeping in between us in the king size bed. Its not bad. I'm sleeping better knowing she is safe. (Cue the co-sleeping safety fear mongers). Anyway, sleep, yeah, she wakes up screaming mad and crawling. We have taken to interpreting the angry, inconsolable screaming as pain and have been treating with occasional motrin. It makes me feel guilty, like I should be able to soothe her some other way but fuck if I can figure it out so, motrin it is!

In the mean time, the Hubs and I are doing our best to keep from falling apart. We are trying to keep the house together (we are slobs and *shriek!* we have a mouse). We are trying to get through our own ickies (G a cold and me an infected toe (gross? You friggen bet)). We are working nearly full time 48 and 36hrs respectively. We are trying to carve out time to get me through nursing school. We are trying to be available to spend time with our friends more often. We are also trying to continue to cultivate and nurture our relationship as two adults who love each other independent of the incredible little soul we created together. This is the hard part.

I get tired and naggy. I get overwhelmed and short tempered. I feel like the last two weeks I have spent more time nagging him about helping me find some non mommy time, dishes, laundry, a leaky toilet, saving money, eating healthy and "participating" more. Gahh! When I look at this list I feel horrible. I know this is not even a comprehensive list!! I'm insane!! Poor G!! I feel like I dont have any extra energy and so I say the utilitarian stuff in a way that lacks any hint of garnish or sweetness. It sucks. I know he is tired and thus, he struggles to find the extra energy to find new ways to help me ir new ways to engage with the family. We get tired and we get stingy with our energy and that makes some poor, tired, crabby people. Instead, we really should pour what little we have in the tank into the other person. We ALWAYS feel best when we are taking care of each other. We are more fulfilled, more in love, happier and connected to one another. We just need to remember, when we feel poorest we need to give it ALL to one another.

I wish I could say I know it will get better in time but I cant. Its not that simple. It may get easier to work on with time, but probably not. But the key is the work. You have to work and not just on your partner's self esteem or last nerve. You need to work on loving each other, giving to eachother, offering up all the rest of your energy to them. If you have the right partner they will give you all they have too abd you will be full of love and not just exhaustion.....there will still be exhaustion but its sweeter somehow. So, there you have it. I'll check back in a week and let you know how it goes but for now, I am going to take my feverish, teething, bucket of drool abd chub down to my loving husband and giggle together as we feed her dinner and watch her make faces. This is the life of a mother, a wife, a woman doing her best to get it right.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Being "The One"

I nannied for years. I was paid to care for the children of others for nearly ten years. I had many different families in those years. Some I thought I loved. I took care of some of them through the best and worst, from weeks old to school age. No matter the family or the kiddo one thing is 100% ubiquitous. When a child wants mom there are no real substitutions. You can be the best babysitter/aunt/best friend in the world and it.does.not.matter. Mom is mom. Accept no substitutions.

I now have a daughter of my own and I have to tell you, I love being "Mom". I love finally being "the one". Tonight we put R down to bed and she awoke two hours later screaming and upset. We both had flu shots yesterday and I suspect she is teething so I gave her some baby motrin. She fell asleep in my arms and as I tucked her in under her fleecy blanket I sighed relishing the simple moments where just being mom is the soothing element she needs. I know they are fleeting and because of that, I make a point to be actively thankful for the chance to be enough just by "being"and knowing where the motrin is.

Wanting more for us all

Nursing school...Midwifery...Another baby...Thing X for the Hubbs...I want more. I have been thinking a lot about the future and realizing that life is never going to get less complicated. The time is now.


Flash forward six weeks...I have a seven month old, a full time job an a letter welcoming me to nursing school. I am doing this. The Hubs and I are working out schedules to get me study times and I am on fire. I am so excited. I have been destined to become a midwife my whole life. My first birth, at ten years old, awoke a calling in me. At times I have doubted what I was hearing. For a long time I thought my Mom's calling was what I was hearing drowning out my own. I tried the Maritime Academy, pre-med, paramedicine, now back to nursing. As I think it through I realize how specific my calling is. I could not be happy as a floor nurse or an emergency nurse. I am here to help moms and babies and families. Midwifery is like breathing. It is something I have tested my ability to avoid but have found elemental to life instead of optional. I am ok with that. I look forward to treading in the steps of my mother, the women who held my face as I labored with Ramona, the women who sit quietly in dark huts in the jungle and those who ride through the city streets in the middle of the night to "attend" to families. I cannot wait to be of service to women and families. I cannot wait to bear witness to the beauty and the heartbreak, the humbling power of families growing. Birth....it is not just a new baby but a new MOTHER and a new family. Birth leaves an imprint on everyone in the room, every time. I want a thousand imprints.... I want to be a fully awake and realized person. I want to show my daughter what following a twisted path to a dream looks like. I want to have more money for my work and more time for my family. I want to be able to offer G time and financial support to go after his dreams too. I want more, more for us all. So, for now I will work hard, study hard and love with all my might. It seems like the best way to start.