I went back to work last week. The Hubs was still away at our last festival event this summer. He was on the clock and making bank so we decided it was worth the stress and worry I faced returning to work without him around. At this point Starfish had barely started taking bottles. She would MAYBE drink an ounce. I was worried. My mother and sister-in-law were around and had lovingly agreed to watch tiny while I was at work. The day before I went back I popped out for a quick visit with a girlfriend, leaving tiny and MIL home alone for a test run. I was feeling pretty good until MIL called. I could hear tiny screaming bloody murder in the background. "I think you should come home" she said. I walked home quickly, already feeling the cold panic spreading through my stomach. "What is she going to do tomorrow?! What if tiny wont eat?! What if Nanna cant hack it and our childcare plan goes to total shit in the course of a single day?!?!". I was short of breath with panic by the time I went to bed that night. In the morning I got up and got ready before tiny awoke. I managed to squeeze a final snack in for her before I left the house and cried my whole way to work. Throughout the day I was blessed with sweet pictures and honest updates about tiny. My SIL told me of the meltdowns and sent pictures of the happy times. It helped to feel like I knew the truth about how her day was going. The next day there was less crying but it was still very hard to leave her. By the time I got home Hubbs was back and tiny was happily in his arms.
All in all the first week back was not as horrible as I had feared it would be. I hate leaving her. I hate hate hate it. I'm not getting nearly enough sleep yet but thats just the shape of my world right now. I will write next about pumping at work and how that is a special hell for lady-mommy-medics but its not so bad overall. When I get sad (usually on my way to work and again around hour 8) I remember why I am doing this. I think about how important it is to show Tiny what a successful, working woman looks like. I want to keep working to keep myself open to new opportunities (*cough*nursing and midwifery*cough*). I think most importantly right now I can give G and Tiny a chance to spend quality time together. They have the next month together. If I weren't going back he would have to pick up OT to make up the income. The burden would be all on him to make ends meet. If he were in a job where just the weekly paycheck covered us comfortably it would be a different conversation but right now its not the case. Equity in our relationship is just as important as equity in other areas like parenting. I want Tiny to know G just as closely as she knows me. I want him to feel as important and involved as I am and I want them to have as much physical time together as possible. All of those things are mine to give them but only if I go back to work. So I go. I go happily and with comfort and confidence in my purpose. Love is a wonderful motivator and an even better anesthetic when the pain of leaving catches up to me.
