This week has been hard. Really hard. I have sort of had to start naming the monsters in the closet and inviting some of them out one at a time to fight to the death, or at least the mortally wounded. I haven't been in the lead on all of these fights this week.
I feel like nobody talks about this and thus, women are left feeling isolated, lonely and stone cold crazy. I feel like I have been depressed this week. I am sure the hormones play a significant part but damn. I have just been so sad and frightened and ambivalent about things this week, which then leads to feeling bad on top of bad for feeling that way in the first place. It has been a week of what G calls "Metta Worrying".
Some really wonderful friends of ours are getting married this weekend and I am officiating the ceremony. I am very excited about it but it is also going to be a long weekend as now it seems there are 4+ days of festivities in prep for the party on Sunday. There are multiple bachelor/ette parties, one of which takes G away to the coast for one night and another which involves everyone being intoxicated (except the knocked up among us) and singing Karaoke and then I think a rehearsal dinner and a welcome picnic....I am losing track. I should consult my spreadsheet again. Like I said it is going to be a blast but it is a bit drawn out for me in my current state of perpetual exhaustion considering I am taking 2 vacation days and working one extra shift to try and keep SOME vacation in the bank for when this munchkin arrives. Anyway, I was feeling all cranky and resentful because this is another weekend where I will spend almost no ALONE time with G. Running errands or working on folding laundry doesn't count. We have very sweet friends but last weekend our "date night" sorta got hijacked and the weekend before was spent working overtime to try to make up for the vacation we scheduled before we knew I was a ticking time bomb of unpaid maternity leave. I am so fucking ready for a "Fuck you world" vacation I could scream...no really.....the thought crosses my mind hourly. I am desperate to go sleep in a tent and wear my camping clothes and breathe the mountain air I am dying inside.
This leads me to my depression/fears of the week. I know, I know! We WILL make room for this baby. We will figure out how to live our lives and continue to adventure after they arrive. The shit of it is that right now, I don't have a warm, grunting, sweet smelling bundle of love to cuddle to my chest and flood me with love hormones. I don't even have the reassuring bumps and kicks in my belly to convince me this is a person and not just bad Thai food and a UTI. Right now I just have my insecurities about how much weight NOBODY else but me seems to have gained in the first trimester, I have my ill fitting wardrobe with no real baby belly to make the chub look "cute", I have my doubts about all of this, I have my fear that I am ruining our lives and we will hate each other when this all shakes out, I have my fear that I will not be able to hack it alone for 4 days a week during our days "on", I have my fear that being exhausted will make me a basket case 24/7/365 until the kid leaves for university and I have the bathroom....I live there these days as the 8cm, 2oz of baby nestles in on top of my bladder and insists on punching the pillows fluffy. All of my fears are selfish. I am feeling SO unready for all of this this week.
I get that "oh poor me. I got pregnant at the drop of a hat" should thank my lucky damned stars and shut the hell up about it. I get how lucky I am but this is hard work people. This is hard emotional work. I can't just go run it out. I cant out run it either. I just have to figure it out and for me this is hard. Feeling the last vestiges of queasy doesn't help either. I am a mess.
How come nobody ever talks about this part? My midwife says this is "the majority of women's dirty little secret about the first half of pregnancy". She says I am more than normal to feel this way and that is why we get 9 months...I don't know why we all insist on acting like roman soldiers about this. I am not 'complaining' per say. I am just telling the truth. I am beyond happy to be where I am. I cannot wait to meet this little person. I am on pins and needles to see G become a father but honestly, this is hard. Way harder than I thought it would be. I have never felt so crappy doing something so good.
Oh Anna - so much of pregnancy is a dirty secret. I swear - so many of my friends have said that! And as you're one of the first among your group of friends, you're having to find this out the hard way :(
ReplyDeletePlus you guys are BUSY! You have crazy important stressful jobs that take you away from each other, crazy loving dogs that need your attention, a house to be remodeled, friends to spend time with, and lives to lead.
Maybe there's been something in the air the past few weeks, because I've been feeling totally overwhelmed and stressed by life. How can I consider getting pregnant if I can't even keep my kitchen clean?? Are we EVER going to finish remodeling the house?? Wait - I have friends - when do I have time to see them??
So just know that you're in my thoughts, its not easy, you're not crazy, and it WILL get better! Here's a BIG HUG from me. Keep it in your back pocket for when you're feeling crazy, and think of it as a mountain breeze blowing some calming thoughts your way.