9 weeks out

Life is moving along at a fast and faster pace every day.  I can hardly believe that it has been nearly 10 weeks since Ramona was born.  I remember feeling like I didn't remember how 'not pregnant' felt.  Now I am having a harder and harder time remembering how it was to be pregnant.  I don't feel "the same"as before.  In fact, I feel vastly different.  My tolerance for bullshit is about 1/99th what it was before baby.  My tolerance for no sleep and other demands for my time and attention are infinitely greater (as long as it is due to Ramona).  My appetite is very different.  I crave veggies and get hang overs from refined sugar now.  My body is very different.  I am squishy in places you would never wish for squish and lean in other places.  I am working on getting strong again and hoping strong translates somewhat into a shape I like. The biggest bummer is that my sex drive is crap.  If this is too much info stop reading.  I have more to say about this topic and I think it is important so if hearing about my sex drive squicks you out this is your cue. 

I have always been someone for whom sex was fun and not particularly difficult.  Even when I was stressed out, I could wrap my head around it and end up really glad I had joined the fun.  These days it is just about the last thing on earth I am interested it.  I thought that even though it was not on my mental radar, once I got going it would be like riding a bike (Hahaha) and I would have no trouble.  WRONG!  I can't really get into it.  Sort of no matter what.  I try but it is sort of like someone has rewired the switch and now the light doesn't go on....at all.  This sucks.  For starters I had a few stitches in my bottom so I was in pain for a while and then we were waiting for them to heal all the way.  Once that happened I was confidant that it would be all systems go.  Not so much.  At 9 weeks out I still have the feeling of an achy bottom if I hike or walk to far/long or over do it at Zumba.  I have tried reacquainting with myself too and the whole thing feels about as "sexy" as brushing my teeth.  I am not exhausted though I am tired, but I climb in bed and honest to god, if G tries to make it sexy times I mostly wonder why we aren't sleeping if we are in bed and the baby is asleep.  It is so friggin' lame I know.  I feel like all of my usual "sexy" spots are messed up.  Nipples are sore or 'armed' these days and my bottom is just not returning my phone calls.  It is such a drag.  I feel like reconnecting with your partner after the baby comes is important.  G is a very sweet and loving partner and has and continues to be very very patient with me while I try to catch back up to myself in some form.  I just feel like I can't "do" sex these days.  I don't really want to and it doesn't work when I AM interested.  I intend to keep trying and I know that once I am done breast feeding things will return to a more hormonal normal place but that's another 12 months away... am I doomed to this asexual life in the mean time?  I don't want to sound like a total 50's housewife but I intend to try and to show up for sex even if G is the only one who really gets anything out of it because I think it is important to our relationship and I want to bet on the chance that one of these times, at some point, I will feel something more than just warm and fuzzy from snuggling, but god dammit if I don't miss wanting it and enjoying it.  It is hard to feel like I want to be intimate with my husband when all I want to do is snuggle and sleep with my baby.  I know it is nature's way of bonding me with the baby to ensure her survival as well as prevent another pregnancy right away but it feels a little cruel to my partner. 

There is so much to write.  Work, my body, Ramona, my relationship with G, my relationship with my mom, my drive to become a midwife, my desire to have another baby (in a few years), my desire and the steps already being taken to become a childbirth educator and post-partum doula....so much to write.  I have to try a little harder to keep up.  Look for a few more posts in the next week.