Ch-Cha-Cha-Changes....

I knew a lot of things would change with the birth of the baby.  I thought I knew what the changes would be.  I knew my body wouldn't be the same.  I was pretty sure I would have flabby skin and stretch marks. I knew I would have a broken bottom for a little while.  I figured I would be emotional.  I was afraid of how tired I would be.  I could laugh at myself right now.  I was a total idiot.  The things I thought I knew were wrong or profoundly different than I pictured.

I get tired so easily.  A "big day" is a 45min walk with the dogs and R, a trip to the store, cooking dinner and prepping breakfast for the next day, cleaning up, feeding myself, maybe showering?  I am trying to get my head around the idea of exercising again but honestly....wuh, it makes me feel like napping just thinking about it.  On the flip side, I am never as tired as I thought I would be.  Sure, I feel like someone has been storing their wool sweaters and blankets under my eyelids all night most mornings.  I am prone to attempting to bribe my 7 week old daughter with anything from breast milk to cash if she will just sleep for another hour.  But, I remember being dead bone tired durng my pregnancy and I was terrified that it would be even worse with a new baby.  It sort of is, but I don't really mind like before.  I live for cups of coffee and baby smiles.  I am energized by her being calm and alert while we are out for a walk, or by picking up the kitchen.  The amount of actual sleep I require seems to have shifted significantly.  I may get 9 hours in bed but I only get about 6hrs of sleep and that is often in 2-3hr chunks.  So, yeah, I was so afraid of being exhausted and it turns out it hasn't killed me.  It hasn't even really been all that hard to get over.  She is better than sleep and that is pretty much all I need.

My body is a mess.  I am down 42lbs since the day she was born and that is FUCKING AWESOME!   Pardon my French but Hallelujah!  I was sure I would be stuck with baby weight for EVER!  Here, the real problem is the loose skin.  Seriously, this is a drag.  The stretch marks don't bother me nearly as much as the flabby apron of skin I have down below the belt.  It is awful.   I have no idea how I am going to address it.  It actually seems to be worse with every pound I lose.  Gross.   Also, my ass has left the building.  This is going to sound super insane and maybe even racist?  I had a great ass.  It was big and midwestern and black men loved it.  Seriously, white guys never seemed to comment on my ass the way middle aged black men did.  Well, I think those days have passed because my butt has made like old people and headed south.  I don't even understand why!  What does my ass have to do with pregnancy?  Oh well.  Could be worse huh?  The back fat...that's where the real bummer is.  I am not wearing real bras these days.  I am living in nursing tank tops and I am here to tell you they are fucking awesome.  I am going to have to do my "pregnancy and postpartum gear review" soon.  I know all the good stuff for pregnant ladies.

My broken butt is another thing.  I only pushed for 29min.  I pushed like both of our lives depended on it though and thanks to the student (grrrr) I tore.  I didn't tear very badly but I needed stitches and she did a crap job with that too.  I still have pain in my vulva.  I often feel swollen and throbbing and achy like I have a headache in my crotch at the end of the day.  Just about every day.  It sucks.  As if the hormones weren't bad enough libido killers, the feeling of painful butt really ties the room together.  I didn't expect to still feel uncomfortable 7 weeks out.  ** Let me just say that my discomfort is a 3-4 out of 10 on a pain scale.  I take ibuprofen for it every few days when I really feel achy but it is not excruciating.  I don't want to scare you.  I just want to whine.**  It does have me a little spooked about sex though.  I just don't feel "good" down there in lady land.  It is hard to want to have anyone over ya know?

Enough about my lady bits, lets talk about relationships.   I feel pretty freakin' alone these days.  I don't really feel like I am the same person I was before I had R and I am not sorry about being different.  I feel like my closest friends don't quite know what to make of me now.  I am part, boring only talks about R and part cautionary tale.  I leak and don't sleep and change poopy pants and pee when I laugh too hard.  I don't feel sexy and my belly is less muffin top and more pancake batter top.  And yet, I am perfectly happy.  I have never been so privileged to be such a damn mess.  I also don't feel totally at home with my mommy friends either.  I still feel like this is new and I am figuring it out and they have already been here and done it and it makes me feel self conscious.  I have a tiny girl and she is not ready for play dates.  I am not ready to be barraged with well intentioned advice.  I feel confidant that I will be ready and strong enough soon enough but for now, I crave friends who have new babies so we could go through this together.

My relationship with the hubbs is changed too.  We are not just two people who work hard, play hard and love the shit out of each other.  We are parents now.  We are tired, unwashed, hungry people who need a combination of things including soap, exercise, lots of food, 6 solid hours of sleep and to get laid.  It is not easy.  We are good communicators so that is one thing really in our corner but we are both still reeling from the enormity of all the changes.  I get nervous about our happiness sometimes.  Not so much our happiness with one another but peripheral happiness.  The hubbs is my eternal optimist and all the changes have him feeling burned out about work and impatient for something great in his work life.  He has wanted to fly his whole life and I had wanted a baby.....

Anyway, yeah, shit is crazy different.  I am way tougher than I thought.  I am way flabbier than I had expected. I am way happier than I could have imagined.  I wonder if I will ever genuinely want to have sex again.  I hope G finds some peace in the little things.