Hubbs and I did a LOT of talking about how we wanted to raise this tiny person. We talked about sharing, being equal, continuing to communicate openly. The last two weeks have been hard. I feel like every time I find us in a "stage" I think there has never been such a tough one. That is of course, a lie. The first six weeks were the hardest. That learning curve is second to none. However, this most recent one has been harder than any of the others since week six.
Tiny girl is mobile, talking and teething. This means many things. She hasnt been sleeping very well. She gets overwrought and then sleeps in 90min chunks nursing hungrily and frequently. She wakes at 430 ready for the day. She is mobile. She is now strong enough to pull herself up to standing in the co-sleeper. This means she could easily swan-dive out, head first onto the floor. This means my mommy senses are piqued to shoot me from sleep at a moment's squeak. I rocketed awake to find her standing teetering on the edge just the other night. Needless to say, there are a few modifications in the works. For the immediate time being (the last two nights) she is sleeping in between us in the king size bed. Its not bad. I'm sleeping better knowing she is safe. (Cue the co-sleeping safety fear mongers). Anyway, sleep, yeah, she wakes up screaming mad and crawling. We have taken to interpreting the angry, inconsolable screaming as pain and have been treating with occasional motrin. It makes me feel guilty, like I should be able to soothe her some other way but fuck if I can figure it out so, motrin it is!
In the mean time, the Hubs and I are doing our best to keep from falling apart. We are trying to keep the house together (we are slobs and *shriek!* we have a mouse). We are trying to get through our own ickies (G a cold and me an infected toe (gross? You friggen bet)). We are working nearly full time 48 and 36hrs respectively. We are trying to carve out time to get me through nursing school. We are trying to be available to spend time with our friends more often. We are also trying to continue to cultivate and nurture our relationship as two adults who love each other independent of the incredible little soul we created together. This is the hard part.
I get tired and naggy. I get overwhelmed and short tempered. I feel like the last two weeks I have spent more time nagging him about helping me find some non mommy time, dishes, laundry, a leaky toilet, saving money, eating healthy and "participating" more. Gahh! When I look at this list I feel horrible. I know this is not even a comprehensive list!! I'm insane!! Poor G!! I feel like I dont have any extra energy and so I say the utilitarian stuff in a way that lacks any hint of garnish or sweetness. It sucks. I know he is tired and thus, he struggles to find the extra energy to find new ways to help me ir new ways to engage with the family. We get tired and we get stingy with our energy and that makes some poor, tired, crabby people. Instead, we really should pour what little we have in the tank into the other person. We ALWAYS feel best when we are taking care of each other. We are more fulfilled, more in love, happier and connected to one another. We just need to remember, when we feel poorest we need to give it ALL to one another.
I wish I could say I know it will get better in time but I cant. Its not that simple. It may get easier to work on with time, but probably not. But the key is the work. You have to work and not just on your partner's self esteem or last nerve. You need to work on loving each other, giving to eachother, offering up all the rest of your energy to them. If you have the right partner they will give you all they have too abd you will be full of love and not just exhaustion.....there will still be exhaustion but its sweeter somehow. So, there you have it. I'll check back in a week and let you know how it goes but for now, I am going to take my feverish, teething, bucket of drool abd chub down to my loving husband and giggle together as we feed her dinner and watch her make faces. This is the life of a mother, a wife, a woman doing her best to get it right.
Oh hon, I feel you. We are going through sleep regression, teething, food allergies, screaming inconsolably in the middle of the night, having to supplement with pumped milk, you name it. And I am so very, very tired. I know it's not much but I'm there too and you're not alone. It's tough but we are tough people and made to handle the rocky parts of this trsil. It makes the easy spots that much sweeter, the soon it'll be more easy. At least I'm telling myself that!
ReplyDeleteIt is the same for us, the exact same. Exhausted people are not nice or happy people. What WILL happen is that she WILL start sleeping better, in weeks or months, and that will be a different universe. I know that that means nothing, though, when you're in the thick of it.
ReplyDeleteThe very interrupted REM cycles were a trigger for depression for me. Be on the lookout for that in you or G - it really knocked me down.