I need to go away. I need to go on a trip. I need a honeymoon with the man. I thought that all of this wonderful wedding stuff would be "enough". I thought I would get to today, the last of my nearest and dearest dropped off at the airport, and I would just feel relief. I thought I would sleep. I cannot. I am homesick and overwrought with worry about jobs and mortgages and dirty bedrooms. I cannot stop. What's worse is that I feel like if I were to stop it would all crash down on me like a massive tidal wave and I would no longer be able to out swim it as I have for the past 10+ months. I need to be somewhere else. I need a mini break with the man. I hate to say it but I really do need to fall in love with him all over again. I love him in the ultimate sense all of the time every day. Right now I lack the relative sense. I feel like we are a pair of tea cups in the cupboard, set next to each other. I can't see if we match or not. I don't feel in touch with our shared usefulness. I feel like a roommate. I need a little romance and uninterrupted joy. That's not to say I want an escape...OK, fuck it! I need an escape! I want to take the dogs to the beach and see them running happily down the sand while I hold the man's hand and we talk about the next year in a not at all business like fashion. No lists, no trajectories, no schedules. Just dreams. I want to play cards and drink coffee. I want to go for a hike and come back to eat cheese and drink an entire bottle of champagne. I want to not be so exhausted that I fall asleep before getting the chance to lay awake talking for hours.
I thought I understood how I would feel when I reached this finish line. I thought I would feel lighter and brighter and at ease. In many ways I do, as I said, feel ultimately fulfilled. What I could not have anticipated were the tiny annoying as hell ways in which I feel worried and sad. I got to the other side of the mountain to find there are more mountains to climb and they seem equally appealing, beautiful, daunting and far off as the one I just climbed. What the fuck is all that about anyway? It doesn't help that the man is ill and that he has weekends off for the next month making it more expensive to go anywhere than during the week. Ahhh, my father would say. "The unsatisfactoriness of it all..." Maybe I need to find a yoga class this week....maybe I need to find three....
If you can, and once your man is better, go camping somewhere!! If you go east or south, you'll probably have better weather. You deserve & need it!
ReplyDeleteWe did 3 days of sea kayaking in northern WA after our wedding, and it was such bliss to be by ourselves for those few days after the week of craziness.