Learning to trust myself

A little while ago I was sleep deprived and looking for answers to help me help tiny sleep better. She has never slept through the night. She is six and a halfish months old and I was certain it was my "fault" that she was still waking 3-4 times between 8pm and 6am. I was looking through my library and found a book on all things baby. It promised to help me troubleshoot everything from sleep to solids. Awesome. After reading about half of it I started to feel a cold panic set in. It talked about co-sleeping and night nursing as obstacles and encouraged a modified cry it out method to help teach my baby how to put herself to sleep. I started to feel like a bad mom. Some of my favorite things about our laid-back attachment parenting approach (co-sleeping, nursing on demand, no rigid sleep/wake/feed schedule, lots of cuddle time) were being listed as potential roots of my baby's "problem". I started spiraling into a tornado of self doubt.

I told the Hubbs that we needed to start her on a more strict schedule and we needed to start putting her down and letting her fuss a bit more if she wakes up at night. I told him we need to start trying to get her to sleep without feeding her. I was feeling dizzy with anxiety and insecurity. I was a horrible mother! I was coddling my baby and ruining her!! I collapsed into bed on the fourth day, crying and feeling utterly crappy. Then I called my mom buddy J. I told her everything and told her what the book said and how awful I was and what a terrible parent I was. She said "Listen to me and don't get upset but this might sound harsh and I don't mean it to. You are one of the most intuitive moms I know. You have a great relationship with R and she is a happy, confidant, well adjusted kid. She is little. If she needs you she probably needs you. She's not waking up to be a jerk. I dont think this book knows you or your baby. It doesnt sound quite right for you". I was taken aback. She was right. I had made it six months without killing or obviously damaging this tiny person. Hell, for a six month old she was really very happy. Hardley ever cries, happy with other people, puts herself to sleep really REALLY well. So far, all signs point to "doing a pretty good job with this mom thing". Why, all of the sudden, am I now going to trash all of that and decide I am a horrible parent who is ruining my daughter?

I decided to take my dear friend's observation and advice and continue to listen to my own inner compass and intuition. I know my baby and she knows me. She trusts me and G to be there for her, to feed her when she is hungry, cuddle when she is in need and not to abandon her at night or any other time. Sorry baby trainer lady! It just wasnt going to work for us. I know a lot of parents who have had success with varying degrees of cry it out but I just couldn't and really didn't think it was necessary. I opted to trust myself, trust my baby and take it day by day.

We dont nurse to sleep. She has her own sleeping space. She is allowed time to self soothe and fuss a bit without anyone rushing right in. But we dont let her cry. Her fuss and cry are very different and she really only cries when something is wrong (diaper, hungry, cold, pain, very tired, too long in car seat). I dont want her to have to feel like bedtime is so sad that she has to cry. I DO want her to learn to calm herself and soothe herself. So here is how we do it and it is working like a charm. Around 7-715 she gets changed into jammies and disposable diaper. We then head upstairs and sing a few songs and maybe read a book. Final top off nursing is next and then she goes into her bed (sidecar co-sleeper). While she is calm and quiet I let her roll around snuggling up to her "sweet puppy" blanket. I lay in bed nearby but dont interact. I dont talk or pat or shush or anything. If she seems to be wound up and struggling I will put my hand on her back and discourage her from rolling all over and say "its time for sleep. I love you" once. I keep my hand there only until she stops struggling against it as I want her to fall asleep "free" to move in any way she feels most comfortable. Most nights she doesn't need my hand or any words at all but plenty of nights she'll doze off and wake up and look to see if I am there. Once she sees me she falls quickly back asleep.

The bottom line is she is a baby. She is only 6 months old and she still needs us. I dont have a problem with that. I do want to keep working on expanding her capacity for independence ESPECIALLY emotionally. I want her to trust we will always be there but also feel confidant that she doesnt always need us. I never imagined cultivating and supporting a strong, tender nature would start so soon. But maybe thats the ticket. Dont wait until your kiddo is three or seven or fifteen to try to teach independence, self reliance, trust and emotional intelligence. Start the day they are born. Listen to them (different from listening to your wants and wishes for them). Listen and observe what they are asking for and what they are capable of on their own. It will delight and astound you.