Let's Talk About It

Happy 4 weeks!  Things are going pretty well all things (sleep deprivation, language barrier and her uncanny knack for knowing when I have hot food I would like to eat) considered.  I am tired but in 7th heaven as a mom and as Ramona's mom in particular.  The Hubbs and I are figuring out new things every day.  This week the big lesson for me was "DON'T let the stuff that brings you to tears in the dark of the night fester" additionally, "Don't think every shadow of an issue you think you see in the dark of the night as you hold or change or nurse you screaming baby, is REAL.  Mostly they are not".

G and I are really F-ing good communicators within our relationship.  I mean PhD level interpersonal communication.  We listen without judgment, we hear the root of the issue, we don't take shit personally, we let the other finish speaking and we ask deliberate questions about how we can make X better.  We love the crap out of one another and we pride ourselves on giving the other the benefit of the doubt.  "I could kill him right now but I honestly believe he did not mean to do that thing that drives me batt shit crazy" or "I want to tell her to suck it up and just deal with X but I know she is tired and overwhelmed so I will just listen and tell her I am sorry she is struggling."  We almost always handle each other from a place of love, compassion and mutual respect.  It sounds gross and like total BS but I swear to god, we don't fight and I believe it is because we are so damned good at communicating with one another.  (The outside world may be another story all together but inside here we rule)  Anyway, now that you have that context I will tell you that lately I have been struggling to express feeling overwhelmed without using my whiny voice.  In the dark of the night when G is sleeping and I am nursing or being cried at by the newborn I feel overwhelmed sometimes.  I don't know why she is crying or I am so tired I could die or I have to pee and for shit's sake can't he hear her screaming?! Why doesn't he cut the fake snoring routine and take the little terrorist for me so I can pee and eat something?!  I found myself the other night, holding R as she cried (she has a hard time relaxing to fart or poop and it makes her cranky sometimes) looking at G and thinking about pinching him on the back of the arm.  You know, the really sensitive part of your arm skin?  Yeah, I wanted to pinch him there....for being asleep.  Crazy....I am aware.  I did not pinch my sweet husband.  I got the baby back to sleep and fell back asleep myself without assaulting anyone.  Good job me.  I didn't say anything about my midnight plotting or the feelings of lonely, exhausted, overwhelmmedness that were the likely ingredients of the stew.  I didn't say anything for about a week....then, last night I found myself in the stew again.  I wanted to pinch him and then wake him up and tell him how when he stays asleep but sighs "faux sympathetically" at us struggling to fart/poop at 4 am I want to kill him.  I wanted to tell him that as much as I adore our daughter sometimes I need him to read my mind and just come get her and sing to her and change her and love on her while I take a shower, without asking him.  I wanted to just freak out....I didn't.  Instead, I went back to sleep.  I caved in and let R sleep in bed next to me and I just kept my boob handy for her to access at will.  When we all woke up this morning G got up and offered to make me breakfast.  He scrambled me eggs (he is the BEST at scrambies) with swiss chard and cheese.  It was divine.  We had plans to get out and run some errands today and we both needed showers.  He told me to take my time with breakfast and that he would take her so I could shower when I came downstairs.  I had almost forgotten about the dark of the night....then, I realized this was the perfect time to talk about it.  I had eaten, we had both had "sleep" the night before (mine was about as close to sleep as O'Doul's is to beer but what the hell) and I was feeling very loving towards him.  It was the perfect time to talk about my feelings since they were NOT currently in the driver's seat.

Long story endless, we sat in the living room and talked about our feelings.  We decided to have a code word for when she is angry and I am clueless and just need him to try.  We talked about our personal needs and expectations of one another and discovered that some of our "misses" were a product of trying not to boss or strong arm the other.  After about 30 min of talking and several rounds of me getting choked up over absolutely nothing we both felt a lot better.  We both felt heard and loved and respected and a renewed sense of enthusiasm for the game of "family" we are playing as a team.  We talked it out and though, I totally 100% love the crap out of my husband, I think we both understand how having a baby challenges a couple and how, if you are not strong as a pair and really invested in taking care of each other, you could be proper fucked when the sleep deprivation kicks in full force and neither of you can see straight.

In summary, things are good here.  Things are ever changing...like R's diapers.  We are learning something new all the time and relearning the major lessons like 'how to talk it out before you pinch someones arm chub in the dark of the night' as well.  Life will never be the same sweet life we shared as a carefree, well slept, happy pair before R came along, but then again, I have never been so in love with two people in my whole life and I can't for the life of me imagine a world without her in it.  I guess, I think of it this way We got really good at taking care of each other and our little world in good times and in struggles before Ramona came along.  All of that was the ground work for taking care of each other as a family and weathering the storm of adjusting to our new life and its demands and pace. I am so glad we were so well practiced before we got here because here is hard but wonderful with such an awesome partner by my side.