I am officially 37w4d today. Its great because I can go into labor at any time now and I am good to stay home. That was always the goal and now that we are there I am cleared for take off. That said I am feeling super conflicted. I am feeling all panic-ey that if I go before my due date it is going to screw up my "schedule" and I am afraid I don't want to go back to work so soon....like somehow if I go into labor now I will be going back sooner....Its sort of crazy but its how I feel. I feel like if I can make it to 39wks it will be better? I am also harboring this feeling that I am a bad pregnant lady if go into labor before my due date. I feel like it means I didn't keep my baby in for the whole time....Pure crazy...I am aware.
I woke up last night with cramps and have had them on and off all morning. I feel sort of quiet and cranky today. The baby has totally dropped down. My belly looks very different than it has up to this point. It is all very encouraging. I am not sure if I said anything about it but the midwives told me that the baby was posterior after the home visit. I have thus been doing all sorts of hands and knees time and working to get him/her turned back to front with me. There is definitely a butt on the right side of my belly now which is very comforting.
I went to see the acupuncturist last night. I went to see the guy who used to treat my shinsplints. He is so very zen and mellow. It was really a trippy experience. He asked me "So are you clear for induction". Hearing it out loud was really like a slap to my head. I AM. That's the crazy part. Since acupuncture can be a very gentle augmentation in the final weeks I AM clear for induction. There isn't really another word for it other than induction it just had a lot of other meanings that are well....icky to me.
Anyway, I felt so sleepy and relaxed. I was talking to the baby as I sat there in the chair. I could feel the baby moving after the needles were all placed. The baby turned and moved down a little. I was using some positive visualization and I was telling the baby that whenever they are ready we can do this together. I told them I don't know how to do this yet but I will follow their lead and I will keep them safe. I promised to be strong and to protect them. I visualized G catching the baby and all three of us snuggling for the first time. I told the baby that there is no rush, but I am so very excited to meet them. I felt like it was a pretty powerful conversation. I certainly felt like there was understanding and connection. In fact, as I write this the baby is moving about a lot and I like to think it is because we understand each other and we are getting ready to do this together, as a team. The baby will let me know what to do. The baby is my guide. I am just the vessel. I need to keep things safe, warm, strong and loving and the baby will tell me what to do.
I have decided that this baby is an old soul. It explains why everything has happened so quickly and effortlessly. They know the drill and I am really just the one they chose to come through. I KNOW this sounds wicked hippie-dippy but its more and more how I feel about this little one. I don't know how to do this stuff but the calm I feel comes from feeling the guiding hand of the spirit inside of me. This little person wants ME to learn through THEM, how to grow a person, how to labor and give birth, how to be a mom, how to let go. I am about to meet my teacher and I am so honored and excited.
In the mean time I am feeling both impatient and guilty for my impatience. From one moment to the next I feel sixteen different emotions and motivations. It is confusing in here. I hope, I trust that the little one inside of me has the answers and holds the key to this whole thing. That comforts me. I do know how to trust this soul. I have been trusting them to be my guide all along.
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