Just the wrong side of 37 weeks

I have just recently started to feel restless.  I wish I didn't feel so impatient.  Especially since I know I will never ever get this time back.  Soon enough I will be someones mom for the rest of my life and I should be doing a better job enjoying my last tiny bit of waddley freedom before my world changes and the life I have known for the past 29 years is traded in for a newer, more exhausting, poop filled, snuggley, chubby cheeked model.  I totally GET that.  However, I am feeling like "Ok, the house is clean, the baby is big, the midwives know where I live.  Let's get this show on the road right?"  Wrong.  Starfish is not done cooking yet.  I am not entirely ready yet and well, it would seem G is still finding things to do to fuck up the paint on the walls or boobie trap the path to the washing machine in the basement which would indicate that he too is not quite ready.  But for real, I am all antsy to have "something happen".

My first check came in the mail today.  60% of my pay is better than nothing but still sorta sad.  It makes me not want to go out baby shopping because I feel badly that I am not contributing as much to the household and honestly, we probably don't need THAT much more stuff.  (I do need to get our changing station set up though and that is going to take a little bit more shopping).  So, yeah, I don't feel inclined to go out to the movies every day or to pamper myself with pedicures and massages because while that stuff is nice, it is spendy and I would rather not go broke entertaining myself waiting to go into labor.  So...sigh....I don't know quite what I am going to do but it is time to start getting creative.

I don't really want to go to a bunch of mommy meet ups.  I am still not entirely comfortable with the fact that I am going to be a "mommy" and thus, I feel like a weirdo going to those sorts of things.  Also, I don't always see eye to eye with the moms at those things and right now I don't need anything to feel stressed or conflicted about.  I am also feeling protective about my birth choices and don't love people asking "where are you delivering" answering "We are planning for a home birth" and having them respond by holding me hostage for a 40min dissertation on how some friend of theirs had a horrible home birth attempt and ended up with a C-section or how they were SAVED by their doc and by being at the hospital, polished off with "but you're so brave!  I'm sure nothing bad will happen for you and it will all be great".  I fucking HATE that.  I hate it so much it makes me not want to go to meet up groups until the baby is out and I can say "we HAD a home birth and everything went super great".  Don't get me wrong.  Home birth is NOT for everyone and I am not some super woman for attempting it.  There are many women who are much happier in the hospital and there are plenty of births where being in the hospital was just the right place for them to be for whatever reason medically or psychologically.  I don't have a problem with that.  I just wish people would stop projecting their birth onto mine or more aptly, projecting their fears, anxiety, and/or those of their partners, onto mine.....Anyway.....

So, yeah, I need to figure out what to do with myself.  I want to take some historic tour of Portland.  I want to go to OMSI.  I want to do a bunch of cooking without my back bothering me.  I want to spend some time alone....I will keep you posted on what I come up with to keep myself occupied.  I am strongly considering a day spent wandering around the Japanese Gardens and maybe a trip to the zoo.

Today was our Home visit.  I love our midwives.  They are such a glowing, happy, confidence inspiring bunch of women.  They light up the room and make me feel like I can do ANYTHING.  It almost makes me want to go into labor just so I can hang out with them.  After all of my craziness they arrived to a clean house today.  I had set out snacks and the dogs were even pretty well behaved.  Luna LOVES women and took to AmyJo instantly.  She was very cute when it was belly check time, hopping right up on the bed next to me to see what they were doing.  There was a tour and some planning and the belly exam and then it was over.  I had been getting ready for this for 3 days and it was over in 80min.  I had to laugh at myself for all the buildup.  But the good news is that the house looks AWESOME right now and that makes my neurotic little soul happy.

I am not sure how to end this post.  I have several other topics I want to discuss but I think they need posts of their own....THERE!  That is something I can do!  I will go to a coffee shop and blog my little brains out....nothing but pure unadulterated self indulgence and decaf lattes!  I can pretend to be a very interesting person sitting by myself at the coffee shop....oooh, I can see it now.  Well, I guess that is as good an ending as any....It is time to go "make dinner" and by "make dinner" I mean heat up the leftover taco fixin's from the other night....Poor G, I have had tacos for dinner 4 nights this week?  They are healthy (mostly) and home made (mostly) and even the not homemade ones are from a nice local place (no taco bell around here!).  But, he continues to be a trooper and thus....tacos for dinner.