30 weeks?

So, tomorrow this baby will be 28 weeks old meaning I have been "technically pregnant" for 30 weeks. I am still feeling pretty good. I am however, starting to get little fears here and there about the whole labor and birth thing. I was sure I would always ONLY be afraid of the being a mom part. I am getting nervous about the before part as the clock ticks down. I know in my gut that I am more than capable of this. I know that my body has done nothing but show me it is ready and willing. From the very moment we got pregnant I have been awash in hormones and physical changes indicating that I am in fact, as G insisted, built for this. I can't tell you exactly what it is but for those of you who run or participate in any type of performance or competetive sport like distance running, I am nervous and scared in the same way you get before a big show or race or game. I am starting to think about the "starting line" and wondering if I have done everything I need to to be ready, have I trained properly? The answer is "you won't know until you cross the finish line". And I won't. I won't know the day I go into labor, I won't know when I start pushing or when the pain gets real. I won't know when the midwives arrive or when my mom gets here. I won't know if I trained properly until I am done pushing and holding this child in my arms for the first time. Then and only then will I know if I did it "right". I don't mean "right" like "I succeeded in my attempt at home birth, or natural vaginal birth or even vaginal birth with medical intervention". I mean did I train and work with my mind in an appropriate and helpful way so that I was able to weather the storm of labor, no matter how it unfolds? Was I able to keep my center and remain present for the process? Was I able to remember the difference between pain and suffering? Its all very unknown at this point and I think that groundlessness is both frightening and wonderful. It is like being told you are going on a trip, being given a general guide of what to pack and then told you have to wait 10-12 weeks until someone knocks on your door and says "yup, grab your shit. We are off to the airport"

So, in all of this there have continued to be interesting, comical, distressing and gross phisical changes. I no longer sleep very well. As comfortable as my bed is I am hot, have to pee and feel like the mattress is too soft and it is always a major chore to get myself OUT of bed. I am always leaking something from somewhere....yeah, yuck. Pregnancy farts....hilarious but absolutely disgusting. Like clear the dogs out of the entire upstairs of the house disgusting. Poor Hubbs. And just recently, when I cough, cry, see a sweet baby, run a stressful call or hear my husband say something sweet to me my breasts leak. This is very new and I was a little freaked out at first. I called my mom and told her and her voice went up and entire octive and she said how great it is. Apparently it is a good indicator that my desire to breastfeed will very likely be fufilled. She says it is a good indicator that my body is producing the hormones and the "stuff" I will need to not just feed this baby but to get this baby out. I remain dubious but am always more believing when she sounds suprised and her voice goes up like that. Anyway, things are changing rapidly. It is good. I am more ready every day to meet the little starfish. I have no idea how I am going to do this "parent" thing but I am feeling ever more ready to give it a try. Most of all, I just can't wait to smell this little creature and hold them in my arms for the first time.

Ok, time to jump in the shower and run some errands. I have 14 people coming to my house for dinner tonight! Aahhhh! I hope this finds you all well. Sorry for the overshares. Happy Holidays.