20 weeks and dancing

Tomorrow this little babe will be 20 weeks along. I had been saying I was "just about 19 weeks" all week...I am the worst pregnant lady ever. I also can't totally remember the due date they gave us....March 3rd? March 7th? Oh F! Who cares? This baby will come when it is ready and no circled date on the calendar is going to change that.

Things have been good. I am feeling much more like myself. I feel able to control my emotions much better that during the great hormone hurricane of the first trimester. To be honest that was some scary shit. I didn't expect to feel like I had fallen to the bottom of a well of overwhelmedness, loneliness and ambiguous feelings about my impending motherhood. I have wanted to be a mother for a long time. Even more acutely, I have wanted to be pregnant for a long time. I have always been so curious to know what this journey is all about. I wanted to know what my body would do, what it would look and feel like. During the first trimester I could have slapped myself for my curiosity. Now, that I have regained a more even keel I have done some reading about postpartum depression and looked into placenta encapsulation. I am feeling like I might be one of those women who is extra sensitive to big swings in hormones and I am thinking it will be prudent to try very diligently to assist myself in getting through the immediate postpartum phase without losing my perspective or my self in a snowstorm of hormone induced emotions. I am sure I will say more about this later but for now just know that I have spoken to my "Ladies" as I refer to the midwives who are so lovingly caring for me, I have spoken to my mother and the Hubbs and I have put everyone on notice that I am at risk for the shitty sads and could they please help me and know that I may need them in this particular way. Everyone was supportive, and totally on board. The Ladies were a little impressed according to G, that I was already noticing and thinking about how I am affected by hormones and looking to prepare myself to succeed in the postpartum stage. I love those women.

My mother recommended I listen to Brooke Sheilds' book "Down Came The Rain". It is a wonderful account of her struggle with PPD. She had it in the worst form. She had some DARK days. She also found her way out. It was clumsy and fraught with set backs but she made it and had a lovely relationship with her daughter and husband. She even breastfed. It was reassuring and educational. Hormone imbalances get sort of glossed over in my opinion. They get categorized as "lady issues" and it can feel like you are just lacking control over you mind. It sucks to feel so out of control and have the sense that you have completely lost your map to get back to yourself. Anyway....More on that as time goes by I am sure.

These days I feel the baby move a lot. It is still nondescript flips and bumps. It is still like there is a large goldfish swimming about in my pelvis. It is a happy goldfish though. I sing to the baby before bed. I put my hands on my belly and pick a few songs and when I am done I lay still and feel the baby dance. At first I was sure it was just a fluke but it happens every time now. I finish singing and the dance party starts. Sometimes it starts after the first song but it is lovely. I have felt only half connected to whatever it was inside of me insisting I pee nonstop all day and night, until now. I love our little night time routine. I can't wait for it to be a bit bigger so G can feel it on the outside. It is so amazing.

I am struggling to fit into my work pants and just waiting for my maternity blues to arrive. I grunt audibly when climbing into the ambulance and have a harder and harder time bending over to tie my shoes. It is strange. I also pee my pants when I sneeze if I have anything in my bladder at ALL. If that is an over share I only sort of apologize. We all pee and I just get to do it in new and exciting ways these days.

I am beyond glad that the heat of the summer has retired for the year. I was unsure how much more sweating ALL DAY at work I could tolerate. I also like my winter/fall maternity clothes. Some days I feel like a whale but mostly I feel pretty cute. I have started going to the gym again and as soon as my swimsuit arrives I am going to start hitting the pool for some laps. My low back has been achey for weeks and my mom has me convinced that the pool will help shake things out. In the mean time I am thinking about trying to run again now that I have "popped". Maybe the baby isn't directly competing for bladder space anymore and it won't be so uncomfortable. I really REALLY miss running and fall running....Ack! Don't even get me started on how hard it was to watch people run PDX marathon this weekend.

So, there you have it. Things are good. We have a list of shit to do a mile long, a list of shit to acquire a mile long, a list of shit to figure out half a mile long and I have no idea how we are going to do it all. The difference is now I feel like I can actively participate in the figuring it out part. I am no longer to sick, too exhausted to help. So, this morning I will start by folding the 3 giant baskets of laundry and putting them away. After that....I may go buy fabric for the quilt.