I am in purgatory. I am tired, clumsy, awkward but also content, excited, proud and happy. I am so ready to meet this baby. I want to smell its head and kiss its face. I want to run my hands over every inch of the little body I have been carrying with me for the last 8 1/2 months. I want to FINALLY understand what labor feels like. I feel like an anxious horse in the pen awaiting the gun signalling the start of the race. I don't even know what the gun will sound like but everyone says I will know it when I feel it. I feel like I am waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like I should be doing more. I want to be running and snowshoeing and taking full advantage of this time away from work....yeah right. I know I will be back to my usual active self soon and for now walks and swimming DO make me happy. My point is more that my brain is not used to this pause. On top of that I am nearly constantly uncomfortable. I don't mean this to sound overly negative. I am not miserable. It is not inherently problematic, I am just starting to feel like we don't both fit in here very well. On top of my growing belly, my breasts are in another growth spurt leaving me feeling heavy, heavy, heavy all over. I know that they will get even bigger once the milk arrives but you must understand how it can be a bit overwhelming to see them growing again now, knowing I may see as much as 2 more cup sizes before I start to return to some semblance of stability. 2 more cup sizes would put me into an E?
Mentally I am quite labile these days. I feel a little helpless and that makes me paranoid. I need G to help me with so much and I sort of hate asking him. He is ALWAYS happy to help but I think the waiting is taking a toll on him as well. It is sort of like the baby is the big event and yet, we have no idea when the big event is, we are just waiting. He is to the teeth with people telling him how he is going to feel once the baby arrives. He hates when people assume to know how he feels or what he thinks and it sort of ruins it for him when people get pushy and bossy about stuff. He experienced very similar frustrations just before the wedding.
I got really sad and frustrated with him the other day when he said he felt like he just wished he could take a time out from the baby being the main focus of everything. I totally and completely understand what he meant. I wish the same thing. I remember being a multifaceted person months ago and now I feel like EVERYTHING I do or am unable to do is to do with being pregnant and getting ready for a baby. However, I was totally pissed off at the same time. I thought "You wish YOU could take a break?! That's a fucking riot! I believe YOU have gone hiking with the guys for the last 2 sets of days off. I believe YOU still get to sleep for hours on end without waking up stuck in bed, having to pee so badly you think you actually might explode if you sit up wrong. You get to sleep however the fuck you please. You SLEEP! You get to go to work and turn off the baby brain. You can still walk like a normal person. People at the grocery store don't look at you with 'that look' that is either pity or horror as you get bigger and bigger. You can drink 3 beers on a Friday night. You have room in your body for a normal sized portion of dinner. You don't get seized by contractions that make whatever you're doing nearly impossible. You can bend over. You can put on your shoes in under 3 min. YOU DON'T GET WINDED WALKING FROM THE TOILET TO THE SOFA!!!!!!!!!! You wish YOU COULD HAVE A BREAK?!"
I know all of that makes it sound like I hate being pregnant. I don't. Honestly, I have found this to be a really amazing time. I feel more connected to my body, more confidant in my self and my capacity and more beautiful than I have ever felt in my entire life. All that said, it is some fucking hard work and the end of it is not pretty. I am happily here doing it and over the moon to be able to do it in the first place but it is hard and there are no breaks. I haven't felt like "myself" in 33 weeks. So, when he said that, I felt so horribly pissed and alone I didn't know what to do. I DID actually know. I listened and told him I understood, because I do. I kept the crazy 85% in the bottle. I eventually expressed that it made me feel upset and anxious, largely because I feel like I 'did' this to him, to us. But the fact of the matter is that me rambling off the above list would not do us any good. He knows. He is totally aware that this is hard and that it is not equal in the physical/physiological sense. It IS harder for me. But I also recognize that he doesn't feel all the little exciting things and experience the intimate relationship I am experiencing with the little one yet. So, it is, in that sense harder for him to feel connected, excited, engaged with the developing process except when I have a list for him or put his hand on my wriggling belly. So, you see, it is hard all around. It is beautiful and good all around. It is good for us to go through this in our own ways and to work to stay connected to one another and to support each other on this whacked out ride, but it is not easy.
As much as I want to experience labor and birth, I know that I need a little more time, my baby needs a little more time. 36 weeks is too soon. 37 weeks probably is too but we will see what happens. I REALLY don't want to be in the hospital, especially if it is just because the baby is too early. I want things to be peaceful and I want the baby to call the shots. So, I will spend a few more weeks in my purgatory. I will continue to tick things off of my list. I will probably continue to feel impatient and to over analyze every little twinge but that is seeming more and more like just another rite of passage and part of the process so I will attempt to embrace that part too and not spend too much time abusing myself for feeling what I feel. But in all seriousness, if this critter wants out in 5 days I am all in. We just need 5 more days.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Late Pregnancy Fears I Must Cop To
I haven't been sleeping for shit. I am 100% aware that that makes EVERYTHING harder and more dramatic so, that said here is a little glimpse into the last 18hrs.
I have been having a lot more braxton-hicks contractions. I had found this exciting as I took it to be a sign that my body was gearing up. Last night, I started to have cramping in my low back and pelvis. I was at the movies with my SIL and I was having consecutive BHC for almost 3 hrs. It was sorta intense but not overtly painful. Anyway, I fell asleep around ll:00 and awoke about 3 feeling nauseated and crampy. I was up and uncomfortable until about 630. I called my mom who gave me the "this is getting you ready for sleeplessness with a newborn" lecture. I know on some level she is right and she is super far away and doing her very best but I just wished she were here to rub my back and head until I fell asleep and not 3500miles away. It was an unsatisfying conversation. It was even worse because she had a terrible time with both my older brother and myself. She was on bedrest starting at 17 weeks with me....my brother was 6+ weeks early. She is always very sweet and deferential when she points out "I wasn't up and active for as much of my pregnancy as you have been." or "I was no longer pregnant. I never got huge and uncomfortable I was just psychotic and miserable from being in bed for MONTHS." So, on a lot of levels we have very different experiences of pregnancy. I have to give her HUGE points for relating to me in terms of her own pregnancies and not telling me about all the hundreds of women she has taken care of and minimizing my experience. She is doing a really good job of being my "mom" and letting the ladies be my midwives.
Ok, so, shit that has me freaked out a little.....The baby was quiet this morning. REALLY quiet compared to normal. This is a very active little soul and when it felt like hours of nothing but uterine movement and not baby movement I was worried. I drank some juice, ate a bit of toast, tried to get a kick count and got 3 in 32min....fret, fret, fret....I decided I had to go for a walk so I leashed up the girls and we went for a short 30min walk. I got home and still everything was quiet except the contractions. I got in the tub with a little more OJ and viola! The little stinker just woke up and is happily letting me know that "We LOVE OJ!".
The second thing is that I am having cramping and "pulling" discomfort down in my low pelvis like maybe cervix? It hurts and it wraps around. I am afraid I am starting to warm up. I am NOT ready. The nursery is a fucking war zone, the house is a mess, I have a bunch more to do and I was promised 4 more weeks! Ok, so nobody promised anything but I demand 4 more weeks? I don't want to end up at the hospital. I don't want my baby in the NICU. I don't want this baby to be so early. I AM NOT READY!
The good news is that I have an appointment with my midwife in about 45 min so we will see what she says. I think this may just be another round of changes that means I need to adjust my perspective. I said this before "It's like my ultra. Now is the point where you come to terms with the fact that your feet are going to hurt for the REST of the run. Will you suffer in addition to the pain? Up to you?" I think I am now at the point where I realize my back and hips are going to hurt for the remainder of the run (10 more miles) and it is time to stop thrashing about and get the heck ON with it. I choose NOT to suffer in addition to the discomfort. I choose not to suffer under the worrying either. I choose to stay strong and vigilant and fearless and joyful that my body knows what to do and the baby knows too....The baby knows it likes baths and OJ....and sleeping in sometimes.
I have been having a lot more braxton-hicks contractions. I had found this exciting as I took it to be a sign that my body was gearing up. Last night, I started to have cramping in my low back and pelvis. I was at the movies with my SIL and I was having consecutive BHC for almost 3 hrs. It was sorta intense but not overtly painful. Anyway, I fell asleep around ll:00 and awoke about 3 feeling nauseated and crampy. I was up and uncomfortable until about 630. I called my mom who gave me the "this is getting you ready for sleeplessness with a newborn" lecture. I know on some level she is right and she is super far away and doing her very best but I just wished she were here to rub my back and head until I fell asleep and not 3500miles away. It was an unsatisfying conversation. It was even worse because she had a terrible time with both my older brother and myself. She was on bedrest starting at 17 weeks with me....my brother was 6+ weeks early. She is always very sweet and deferential when she points out "I wasn't up and active for as much of my pregnancy as you have been." or "I was no longer pregnant. I never got huge and uncomfortable I was just psychotic and miserable from being in bed for MONTHS." So, on a lot of levels we have very different experiences of pregnancy. I have to give her HUGE points for relating to me in terms of her own pregnancies and not telling me about all the hundreds of women she has taken care of and minimizing my experience. She is doing a really good job of being my "mom" and letting the ladies be my midwives.
Ok, so, shit that has me freaked out a little.....The baby was quiet this morning. REALLY quiet compared to normal. This is a very active little soul and when it felt like hours of nothing but uterine movement and not baby movement I was worried. I drank some juice, ate a bit of toast, tried to get a kick count and got 3 in 32min....fret, fret, fret....I decided I had to go for a walk so I leashed up the girls and we went for a short 30min walk. I got home and still everything was quiet except the contractions. I got in the tub with a little more OJ and viola! The little stinker just woke up and is happily letting me know that "We LOVE OJ!".
The second thing is that I am having cramping and "pulling" discomfort down in my low pelvis like maybe cervix? It hurts and it wraps around. I am afraid I am starting to warm up. I am NOT ready. The nursery is a fucking war zone, the house is a mess, I have a bunch more to do and I was promised 4 more weeks! Ok, so nobody promised anything but I demand 4 more weeks? I don't want to end up at the hospital. I don't want my baby in the NICU. I don't want this baby to be so early. I AM NOT READY!
The good news is that I have an appointment with my midwife in about 45 min so we will see what she says. I think this may just be another round of changes that means I need to adjust my perspective. I said this before "It's like my ultra. Now is the point where you come to terms with the fact that your feet are going to hurt for the REST of the run. Will you suffer in addition to the pain? Up to you?" I think I am now at the point where I realize my back and hips are going to hurt for the remainder of the run (10 more miles) and it is time to stop thrashing about and get the heck ON with it. I choose NOT to suffer in addition to the discomfort. I choose not to suffer under the worrying either. I choose to stay strong and vigilant and fearless and joyful that my body knows what to do and the baby knows too....The baby knows it likes baths and OJ....and sleeping in sometimes.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Maternity Photos a Prequel
G and I were married in a tiny little brew pub over cheeseburgers and microbrew, with Judge Judy on TV in the background and 8 of our closest friends sitting around the table...2 years ago, today. That day was pretty freakin' great. Today, so many things are different. I am no longer in medic school, we live in a house of our very own, I am working, I am 35weeks pregnant....Lots of things have changed in the last 2 years. My favorite change is this, I love G more today than I did the day I married him. Not in the rom-com, super smushy, "love grows every day" sort of BS. I love him more than I ever dreamed possible. I love who he has become and who he aspires to be day in and day out as well as on the grander scale, like who he wants to be as a father, a teacher, a medic, a man. I love how dynamic he is. He is ALWAYS learning and growing and trying. He is never the same from one day to the next. I love that he was a cargo pant fanatic, all I can talk about is work, nerd boy, afraid to tell me to stop being an asshole, when we first started dating. Now he is a carhart wearing, house rewiring, home birth supporting, "honey, you're doing that thing that makes me want to run out into traffic" asserting, man who is about to become a dad. He is 100 X hotter and more interesting to me than he was when we first met. That sounds mean but think of it this way. I found him interesting enough and hot enough to marry after a little over a year of dating. I wasn't selling myself short or rushing into anything. He was a "good" man and I loved him very much and was very much looking forward to spending our lives together. These days I am giddy to report that I have a total crush on my husband and I honestly crave spending time doing just about anyoldstupid thing with him on our days off. I should qualify all of this with the fact that when we are both working we go 4 days on and 4 days off. During those 4 on if we are VERY VERY lucky we will see each other for about 45min total. Our shifts are opposite and so we really do miss each other by the end of the work week. This may impart some unfair advantage over the average married couple who goes through the first 2 years of being married spending, on average, much more time together. But unfair advantage or not, being married is the shit and being married to this guy in particular is the freakin' Cricket's Knickers! Its even better than the bee's knees. I just wanted to put that out there.
SO, this all begs the question; How did we celebrate our 2 year mark today? Well, after working a busy night G came home and slept for about 2.5hrs and then we went to the same park we had engagement photos at and we had maternity pictures. The photographer, Sarah, was great. She was very natural and easy going. G and I just did our best to relax and get smoochy. We wandered around the park kissing and rubbing my belly and gazing into each other's eyes for a while and then we went down to the water. It was a gray, foggy day and the bridge seemed to go off into the fog like some magical, far away land. It looked cool. I stripped out of my tights and skirt, down to a bra, panties and some purple rain boots. I wrapped up in the beautiful baby quilt and we took my "belly shots". It was MAYBE 40 degrees outside but I didn't care. I had spent a lot of time thinking about how I feel about my body and what I wanted from these pictures. I didn't need more lovey pictures of G and I REALLY. We had sweet engagement photos and I get to look at his mug and feel how I feel about him all the time...I wanted pictures that celebrate the power of what WE are doing, bringing this life into the world and pictures that celebrate what a fucking awesome thing my body is doing. I don't mean that in the "I'm awesome" way. More like "holy moses, my body has been doing this thing without my input (for the most part) and it knew how to grow this little body and expand to accommodate it and soon, it is going to know how to release it into our arms and the world. It may sound crazy but I am totally convinced that it is magic. So, yeah, I stripped and got cozy on the dock in my belly and undies. The photographer kept saying "You're so bold! I love it!" I can't wait to see the pictures. I am sure I will have criticism for my chunky thighs or my extra padded arms but so what? These pictures will forever, remind me that I once grew a person and I looked like a total Amazon doing it. So, the lesson today is, anyone thinking of doing that wild "more naked than not" maternity shoot should go for it. You will feel amazing even before you see the photos. You will feel like you did yourself justice because, after all you ARE magic.
**Photos to follow when available** :)
SO, this all begs the question; How did we celebrate our 2 year mark today? Well, after working a busy night G came home and slept for about 2.5hrs and then we went to the same park we had engagement photos at and we had maternity pictures. The photographer, Sarah, was great. She was very natural and easy going. G and I just did our best to relax and get smoochy. We wandered around the park kissing and rubbing my belly and gazing into each other's eyes for a while and then we went down to the water. It was a gray, foggy day and the bridge seemed to go off into the fog like some magical, far away land. It looked cool. I stripped out of my tights and skirt, down to a bra, panties and some purple rain boots. I wrapped up in the beautiful baby quilt and we took my "belly shots". It was MAYBE 40 degrees outside but I didn't care. I had spent a lot of time thinking about how I feel about my body and what I wanted from these pictures. I didn't need more lovey pictures of G and I REALLY. We had sweet engagement photos and I get to look at his mug and feel how I feel about him all the time...I wanted pictures that celebrate the power of what WE are doing, bringing this life into the world and pictures that celebrate what a fucking awesome thing my body is doing. I don't mean that in the "I'm awesome" way. More like "holy moses, my body has been doing this thing without my input (for the most part) and it knew how to grow this little body and expand to accommodate it and soon, it is going to know how to release it into our arms and the world. It may sound crazy but I am totally convinced that it is magic. So, yeah, I stripped and got cozy on the dock in my belly and undies. The photographer kept saying "You're so bold! I love it!" I can't wait to see the pictures. I am sure I will have criticism for my chunky thighs or my extra padded arms but so what? These pictures will forever, remind me that I once grew a person and I looked like a total Amazon doing it. So, the lesson today is, anyone thinking of doing that wild "more naked than not" maternity shoot should go for it. You will feel amazing even before you see the photos. You will feel like you did yourself justice because, after all you ARE magic.
**Photos to follow when available** :)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Body Unknown
As someone who has struggled with body image pretty much as long as I can remember being self aware, I must admit that I am really curious?/worried?/uncertain....yes, uncertain, about what my body will be like after this baby arrives. I have stretch marks climbing up from my pelvis and it makes me sad. I am fearful that I will look like a deflated balloon from the midsection down. I love how round and healthy and "full" I look right now and I am afraid I won't like my body once I am alone in here. I know it takes time and I have friends who are celebrating first birthdays of their tiny ones, who look great and are below their pre-baby weight. I just worry.... It seems cruel that just when you are your most tired, freaked out and physically vulnerable you are also your most physically dynamic and in transition. It seems that I will be embracing a great deal of groundlessness this next 3 months....I should probably go meditate right now while the spark is hot. More on this later....
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The first 3 days of leave
Holy SHIT! I am exhausted! I worked my last day on Thursday and my mother in law came to town that night. Friday commenced "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" She brought supplies and energy and that maternal "just keep working until its all done" drive. We stripped all the curtains down and washed them, she scrubbed every inch of my kitchen. She washed all of the windowsills and vacuumed above and below. She had the hubbs move furniture in the living room and guest room and she vacuumed all of those as well. I went top to bottom on our office and then spent several hours scrubbing every inch of the bathroom on hands and knees. Things look CLEAN even if we ran out of spray starch the morning she was heading back to Eugene and there are still curtains on the table (for now) and a few other things awaiting the completion of the upstairs paint job before they can be put away.
Oh yeah, so we are painting our bedroom too. Since G sort of had to pull all the furniture away from the wall to rewire the upstairs (back when I was in my fever coma last week) we decided that there is no way in hell we will paint the bedroom in the next two years if we don't do it now so here we go! Infact, I am stalling getting dressed and starting the prep process RIGHT NOW. :)
The baby shower was on Sunday and let me tell you a thing or two...I have the most creative, generous group of friends and community. We were given some really wonderful things. Even more precious, I was surrounded by 20+ of the coolest women I know for several hours chatting, laughing, getting (welcomed) belly rubs. I felt very special and very loved. There was only minimal talk about my being insane for having a home birth. **I like to say "planning for" instead of "having" a home birth because I know things can happen and I want to let the universe know I am open to whatever ends up being necessary but if I have any control over it and as long as baby and I are safe, it will be at home. It just feels jinxy to say "I'm having a home birth" like the universe will say "oh yeah? Well no you're not". Neurotic I know. Remember how I felt about wedding "vows"?** Anyway, there were veggies and fruit salad and wonderful cupcakes. It was a beautiful spread. My three sweetest friends worked very hard to pull it all together staying up late baking starfish cookies and cleaning. I am a bit at a loss of how to thank them.
My quilt was completed and washed and soft and BEAUTIFUL! My dear friend Jessie put hours and hours of love into it and I can't wait to wrap the sweetness of that quilt around this little creature when he/she arrives. We got wooden toys (baby's first ambulance), diaper service, clothes (tiny dinosaur suit), hand made quilts (My friend Liz made a perfect travel quilt), hand made stuffed animals like platypus, starfish and turtles. We got learning toys (food chain friend), a home brewing book (thanks Gabe!), a mobile and some much appreciated gift cards...the list goes ON and ON. The generosity was overwhelming. We aren't going to need to buy much at ALL.
So, today, I am washing walls, taping and doing the edging hopefully before G gets home from his meetings. We WILL paint this room today. As exhausted as I am I am energized with the "nesting" fever I was sure I would never feel. I want things to be perfectly comfortable and as clean as possible before this little one arrives. I know I have almost 2 months left but the need to get the super heavy duty stuff done now while I am still able and have help is overwhelming. So, I am downloading an audio book, putting on my work stretch pants and getting going. Even as the dogs snore and the snow flurries fly outside my window I can feel the spring fast approaching and with it the opening of the leaves on the trees and the mud in the yard and this new person into our lives.
Oh yeah, so we are painting our bedroom too. Since G sort of had to pull all the furniture away from the wall to rewire the upstairs (back when I was in my fever coma last week) we decided that there is no way in hell we will paint the bedroom in the next two years if we don't do it now so here we go! Infact, I am stalling getting dressed and starting the prep process RIGHT NOW. :)
The baby shower was on Sunday and let me tell you a thing or two...I have the most creative, generous group of friends and community. We were given some really wonderful things. Even more precious, I was surrounded by 20+ of the coolest women I know for several hours chatting, laughing, getting (welcomed) belly rubs. I felt very special and very loved. There was only minimal talk about my being insane for having a home birth. **I like to say "planning for" instead of "having" a home birth because I know things can happen and I want to let the universe know I am open to whatever ends up being necessary but if I have any control over it and as long as baby and I are safe, it will be at home. It just feels jinxy to say "I'm having a home birth" like the universe will say "oh yeah? Well no you're not". Neurotic I know. Remember how I felt about wedding "vows"?** Anyway, there were veggies and fruit salad and wonderful cupcakes. It was a beautiful spread. My three sweetest friends worked very hard to pull it all together staying up late baking starfish cookies and cleaning. I am a bit at a loss of how to thank them.
My quilt was completed and washed and soft and BEAUTIFUL! My dear friend Jessie put hours and hours of love into it and I can't wait to wrap the sweetness of that quilt around this little creature when he/she arrives. We got wooden toys (baby's first ambulance), diaper service, clothes (tiny dinosaur suit), hand made quilts (My friend Liz made a perfect travel quilt), hand made stuffed animals like platypus, starfish and turtles. We got learning toys (food chain friend), a home brewing book (thanks Gabe!), a mobile and some much appreciated gift cards...the list goes ON and ON. The generosity was overwhelming. We aren't going to need to buy much at ALL.
So, today, I am washing walls, taping and doing the edging hopefully before G gets home from his meetings. We WILL paint this room today. As exhausted as I am I am energized with the "nesting" fever I was sure I would never feel. I want things to be perfectly comfortable and as clean as possible before this little one arrives. I know I have almost 2 months left but the need to get the super heavy duty stuff done now while I am still able and have help is overwhelming. So, I am downloading an audio book, putting on my work stretch pants and getting going. Even as the dogs snore and the snow flurries fly outside my window I can feel the spring fast approaching and with it the opening of the leaves on the trees and the mud in the yard and this new person into our lives.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
At 0700 we were toned out on an auto vs pedestrian. We get a lot of these and they almost ALWAYS turn out to be nothing. A scratch or a bruise maybe a head laceration that warrants some stiches. Most often it is people seeking to make someone else pay for their pain and suffering and thus we take them to the hospital where they can have some narcotics and get some medical documentation to warant a renewed medical mary jane card or a trip to the methadone clinic for their "back pain". It is not usually a true 911 emergency. As we drove up on this scene, however, it started to become apparent that this was a bit different. PD had not yet arrived, nor had fire. We parked in the middle of the street and I got out into the freezing cold air. I could see a car with its flashers on and I could see a lump in the road up ahead. I could see two people on the sidewalk talking on cell phones....What the? It became clear very quickly that the lump was my pt. "Oh shit, this is going to be bad isn't it?" I said to my partner. "Hmmm, could be." He said. The two people on the side of the road continued to talk on their cell phones. "Ok, I need you both to hang up and tell me what happened." Nothing. "Hey! You two, get off the phones and come over here. I need you to tell me what happened." One woman tried to talk to me and the person on the phone at the same time. "I said, hang up. You can call them back. I need to know what happened NOW!" She hung up and told me she had been on her bike and saw the woman just after she had been hit. The woman was 25-30' from the crosswalk face down on the street, not moving. "Are you the driver?" I asked the other witness. "Yes". "What happened?" I asked. "I don't know where she came from and then I hit her and I don't know what happened or where she came from". He was visibly upset. I couldn't blame him. She still wasn't moving. I stabilized her neck and continued to ask questions. My partner pulled up along side me with a backboard, the stretcher and all the necissary equipment to immobilize this pt. All I needed now was fire.
After what seemed like an eternity, fire arrived and just as my partner and I were finishing cutting off her 4 layers of clothes we were able to safely roll her over while still protecting her spine, on to the long board. At this point she was breathing on her own but not all that well and we could see she had skinned her face pretty well and had the distal part of her femur sticking out just above her knee. "Oh, shit!" I said, "On my last fucking day? Really?"
Fire helped us get her packaged up and we hustled her into the back of the car where my partner was busiily setting up the medications to perform a rapid sequence intubation. The plan was to paralize and sedate her, place a tube in her airway and breathe for her in order to protect her airway from vomit mainly. Head injuries have a way of making people puke and puke in your lungs is not good. The savingest of graces was the fire crew. I had been pissed at them in my head for taking so long and then not "putting a husle on it" when they finally DID arrive. Once in the ambulance however, it was all business and it was good. I realized I had two of the most sr medics from a VERY medic oriented system. They were people I knew to be good, "old" and they were being very proactive. One was meticulously writing down everything as it unfolded and the other was cranking away to get an iv while I got my act together, placed the pt on oxygen, got her on the monitor and set up the best I could for airway management. My partner was double checking his drugs and getting ready for the flash/bang of RSI. It was a clustered up mess but it was pretty typical of how this sort of thing works.
In my head I was flipped out. "F! F! F! F! I do NOT want to do this!" Kept ringing in my ears. I wanted to pass the buck onto anyone else. I was spinning and anxious and fumbling. Then I remembered the words of one of my old partners. He had given me a several hour lecture about how you won't ever be successful at an intubation if you go into it thinking you're screwed. With this lady...I WAS screwed. She had everything wrong with her except facial trauma, to make this a very difficlt tube. Short, fat neck. Anterior structures, VERY small mouth, VERY large tongue. To top it all off she was in a C-collar to protect her neck. Damnit all to HELL! I was just about to find some way to flake out when I felt a calm come over me. "You are going to get this tube. You are going to protect this woman's airway. Everything is going to be allright" drifted through my head and I believed it. I felt peaceful and clear and started to think about all of the times (All whopping 5 times mind you) in the last 2 years that I had tubed someone and what I had screwed up and what I wanted to do differently in hindsight. I grabbed my tools and positioned the pt. I even insisted that she be given more medicine since her jaw was clenched and that was going to make it impossible. When I was ready and she was loose I went in with a plastic stylet and shot in the dark. The fire medic told me she could feel the stylet and after advancing it just a bit more to be sure I was in we slid the tube over it and made an attempt to ventilate her. IT WORKED! WE DID IT! She was being ventilated and her numbers looked good. We were headed down the highway by now. "Ahhh" I could breathe. I reminded myself to breathe every time I squeezed the bad pushing air into her lungs.
We delivered her to the hospital in better shape than we found her and the MD (a doc who has LONG intimidated me with his brilliance and ability to take medics to a new level of respect or to take them apart) told me "nice work" NOT something he says often or lightly. I felt like I had done a good job.
The rest of the day was full of less acute but similarly labor intensive people. We ran our next call on a diabetic person who had not been eating but had been taking inulin and was found on the floor of their friends house having a sz. Old IV drug abuser, no IV access AT ALL and lower than 'lo' reading on our blood glucose monitor. "Shit"...again. This was my partner's patient and thank god! This pt was a totall and utter mess. Bad heart, no veins, and seizing...awesome. By the time we finished with this pt we were out of sedative drugs and the car was TRASHED. We had to go back to the base and get more drugs. We were starving so I bought us lunch in the cafeteria while my partner wrote his chart. An hour and a half later we were back in business.
Next up? Pneumonia with a bad fever in an elderly person in a care facility....Uggh! This pt was SICK. They needed a ride to the hospital for SURE. By the time we arrived at the hospital I had been having braxton hicks contractions for hours. This day was very physically demanding. lifting, stairs, anxiety, climbing....It was time to be done and my body was telling me better than anything.
So, now, I am sitting in bed willing myself to stay up just a bit longer so I can time the contractions I am having..... Boo.
I am now 33 weeks and holy shit that is crazy! The house is a disaster and G and I are overwhelmed but optimistic. I just hope to hell this baby doesn't come early. I am SO not ready. The baby shower is this weekend and I am very excited about that. In the mean time I need to pound some water and go to sleep. I need these contractions to stop. They are painful and tooo early.
I will write more about them in the moring. For now just know that my last day was full of learning, over doing and doing right. I am glad I had such a bananas day. It is good to be reminded of everything you 'do'. And keeping skills sharp is important as well. I am sure I will be one oatmeal brained fool by the time I get back. Poor partner.....
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Favorite Bits 2011
2011 was a pretty huge year. I will venture to say it has been one of the best years of my life. Looking back now, I can't believe it has come and gone so quickly. 2010 was hard. School, 2 moves, wedding planning, unemployment...It was just tough. 2011 has been the year of great fortune. As I look around my warm little house I see and recall things that make me full to bursting with gratitude.
There are two snoring dogs. One in a chair by the window and the other with her head resting on the windowsill....They are healthy, they are SPOILED, they are sweet.
The tiny Christmas tree in the corner symbolizes the celebrations of community that have taken place within the wall of this house this year. We have celebrated love, family, holidays, friendship, food, one another's good fortune and hope for the future. The walls of this house have been painted with the colors of community and the rooms are light with the glow of friendship and love.
The running shoes on the rack in the back hallway remind me of the excellent health and the healthy sense of adventure shared by my most immediate family. G and AKMB and I have had a stellar year of adventure and self exploration. Running Forest Park 50k should MAYBE be second to my pregnancy with my first child but to be perfectly honest they are tied. Something inside of me changed forever when I ran FP50. I will never doubt myself again. Sure, I will have my moments but I met myself on the trail and turns out I am made of some pretty strong stuff and I am capable of being ready for hard things not simply surviving them. FP has given me sooo much strength to not just exist through this pregnancy but to carry a sense of wonder and a deep appreciation for the difference between pain and suffering and who's choice it is which one you experience. It has really shaped the way I approach being pregnant and planning for the arrival of this little one. I am not sure there could be better training than running LONG. That said, there is also a pride in myself that came with FP50k. It has nothing to do with babies or the future. It has everything to do with feeling like a real and true athlete at the end of the day. I am looking forward to being a mom but I am looking forward to running another 50k very soon too.
My husband's bag by the door reminds me how jaw droopingly fortunate I am to be married to such a wonderful man. It sounds so cheesy and cliche but I don't care. He is the most loving, gentle, kind, patient, respectful, nurturing, non-annoying, level headed, joyful, curious, soulful, curious, passionate, dedicated person I know. He is almost never on time for anything, can't get the basement organized to save his soul and and often has the attention span of a hummingbird but that doesn't even begin to overshadow how much I love him. I have to admit that I never expected to love him this much. I didn't know you could feel this way about a person. I can't fathom my world without him. I can't WAIT to see him become a dad. He really is my best friend. I have no idea how I got so lucky. I have no idea how we ended up here, together but I thank every star in the sky that we did.
My bag by the door reminds me of how fortunate I am to have the job I have. I caught a baby on Thanksgiving, I saved and old man from choking to death on a cinnamon roll this summer and I have had the honor of meeting and helping over a hundred other people in the last year. I know I complain about the flaws in the system but I also deeply appreciate the chance to work in a job where I have an AWESOME partner, progressive protocols, darn good equipment and a goal of helping people. It is not my end goal but it is pretty sweet for now.
The socks on my feet make me think about my mother and how glad I am that we have the relationship we have these days. It was hard fought back about 6 years ago. We struggled to understand one another and to have patience with our own imperfections and tolerance for what we saw as the other's imperfections as well. Now, she is one of my very best friends and another person I can't imagine being without. She is 3500 miles away and that SUCKS but we are in a better place now than we have been in years and years and I just thank her for all of her hard work and the things she taught me as a kid that have helped me become the woman I am now.
The little painting of the ocean sitting on my mantle makes me think of my Dad. He is the one I must thank for my FINALLY learning a bit of patience and equanimity. He introduced me to mindfulness over and over again. When it finally started to stick, in my twenties, he never said "boy, what took you so long?" He has always been a beacon of unconditional love. Where mom taught me strength and courage, dad taught me gentleness and quiet. I am starting to be able to appreciate and harness both sides of myself in becoming this "adult" and I am so grateful for the guidance and gentleness he has offered even when it was the last thing I wanted to hear.
My "Local" family was here last night and the stack of baby clothes and books next to me on the ottoman stand as proof. They are the most enthusiastic, loving bunch. I could not have married into a sweeter group of people if I had hand picked them. I didn't just get a wonderful loving husband but a whole TRIBE of people came with him. From his lovely parents who treat me like one of their own even when I am tired and cranky, to his friends from childhood who put their arms around me and welcomed me into the fold. I married into a VILLAGE of love and joy.
The house is half a wreck from Christmas yesterday but underneath the paper and the boxes the floor is swept and the clutter mostly controlled. There is a photo album on the table with pictures spanning 30+ years and letters to the new baby on every page. This is from my sister-in-law. She is the penultimate behind the scenes miracle worker. This woman has no idea what she does for this house and this family on a regular basis. She is a very hardworking member of the child protective services team, she spoils the dogs rotten, she cleans the house for us during the work week and she is a constant reminder that mind over matter really makes the sun shine even in the midst of an Oregon winter. Her generosity and unflagging good nature is even present during times of crisis and personal struggle. She reminds me to try harder to keep my chin up and to try harder to keep my eye my list of "things I am thankful for". She is also probably my favorite person to give gifts to as they always seem to be "JUST WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR". She is the prize in the already delicious cracker jack box of this family I married into.
There are many other people and things I am grateful for. They are too numerous to list. The point is, I am fucking blessed. This year has been a dream. I am growing a healthy person inside of me, my community is growing all the time in meaningful and beautiful ways, I am continuing to learn new things and to be touched by the world around me. My family is happy and fulfilled. My house is warm and beautiful. I can't think of anything I need that I don't have. I think I will just sit and cherish this feeling for a little while. I hope 2012 is full of wonder and love for all of you. I hope that good fortune and easy times roll in with the chiming of the clock. Thank you for 2011. Happy New Year.
There are two snoring dogs. One in a chair by the window and the other with her head resting on the windowsill....They are healthy, they are SPOILED, they are sweet.
The tiny Christmas tree in the corner symbolizes the celebrations of community that have taken place within the wall of this house this year. We have celebrated love, family, holidays, friendship, food, one another's good fortune and hope for the future. The walls of this house have been painted with the colors of community and the rooms are light with the glow of friendship and love.
The running shoes on the rack in the back hallway remind me of the excellent health and the healthy sense of adventure shared by my most immediate family. G and AKMB and I have had a stellar year of adventure and self exploration. Running Forest Park 50k should MAYBE be second to my pregnancy with my first child but to be perfectly honest they are tied. Something inside of me changed forever when I ran FP50. I will never doubt myself again. Sure, I will have my moments but I met myself on the trail and turns out I am made of some pretty strong stuff and I am capable of being ready for hard things not simply surviving them. FP has given me sooo much strength to not just exist through this pregnancy but to carry a sense of wonder and a deep appreciation for the difference between pain and suffering and who's choice it is which one you experience. It has really shaped the way I approach being pregnant and planning for the arrival of this little one. I am not sure there could be better training than running LONG. That said, there is also a pride in myself that came with FP50k. It has nothing to do with babies or the future. It has everything to do with feeling like a real and true athlete at the end of the day. I am looking forward to being a mom but I am looking forward to running another 50k very soon too.
My husband's bag by the door reminds me how jaw droopingly fortunate I am to be married to such a wonderful man. It sounds so cheesy and cliche but I don't care. He is the most loving, gentle, kind, patient, respectful, nurturing, non-annoying, level headed, joyful, curious, soulful, curious, passionate, dedicated person I know. He is almost never on time for anything, can't get the basement organized to save his soul and and often has the attention span of a hummingbird but that doesn't even begin to overshadow how much I love him. I have to admit that I never expected to love him this much. I didn't know you could feel this way about a person. I can't fathom my world without him. I can't WAIT to see him become a dad. He really is my best friend. I have no idea how I got so lucky. I have no idea how we ended up here, together but I thank every star in the sky that we did.
My bag by the door reminds me of how fortunate I am to have the job I have. I caught a baby on Thanksgiving, I saved and old man from choking to death on a cinnamon roll this summer and I have had the honor of meeting and helping over a hundred other people in the last year. I know I complain about the flaws in the system but I also deeply appreciate the chance to work in a job where I have an AWESOME partner, progressive protocols, darn good equipment and a goal of helping people. It is not my end goal but it is pretty sweet for now.
The socks on my feet make me think about my mother and how glad I am that we have the relationship we have these days. It was hard fought back about 6 years ago. We struggled to understand one another and to have patience with our own imperfections and tolerance for what we saw as the other's imperfections as well. Now, she is one of my very best friends and another person I can't imagine being without. She is 3500 miles away and that SUCKS but we are in a better place now than we have been in years and years and I just thank her for all of her hard work and the things she taught me as a kid that have helped me become the woman I am now.
The little painting of the ocean sitting on my mantle makes me think of my Dad. He is the one I must thank for my FINALLY learning a bit of patience and equanimity. He introduced me to mindfulness over and over again. When it finally started to stick, in my twenties, he never said "boy, what took you so long?" He has always been a beacon of unconditional love. Where mom taught me strength and courage, dad taught me gentleness and quiet. I am starting to be able to appreciate and harness both sides of myself in becoming this "adult" and I am so grateful for the guidance and gentleness he has offered even when it was the last thing I wanted to hear.
My "Local" family was here last night and the stack of baby clothes and books next to me on the ottoman stand as proof. They are the most enthusiastic, loving bunch. I could not have married into a sweeter group of people if I had hand picked them. I didn't just get a wonderful loving husband but a whole TRIBE of people came with him. From his lovely parents who treat me like one of their own even when I am tired and cranky, to his friends from childhood who put their arms around me and welcomed me into the fold. I married into a VILLAGE of love and joy.
The house is half a wreck from Christmas yesterday but underneath the paper and the boxes the floor is swept and the clutter mostly controlled. There is a photo album on the table with pictures spanning 30+ years and letters to the new baby on every page. This is from my sister-in-law. She is the penultimate behind the scenes miracle worker. This woman has no idea what she does for this house and this family on a regular basis. She is a very hardworking member of the child protective services team, she spoils the dogs rotten, she cleans the house for us during the work week and she is a constant reminder that mind over matter really makes the sun shine even in the midst of an Oregon winter. Her generosity and unflagging good nature is even present during times of crisis and personal struggle. She reminds me to try harder to keep my chin up and to try harder to keep my eye my list of "things I am thankful for". She is also probably my favorite person to give gifts to as they always seem to be "JUST WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR". She is the prize in the already delicious cracker jack box of this family I married into.
There are many other people and things I am grateful for. They are too numerous to list. The point is, I am fucking blessed. This year has been a dream. I am growing a healthy person inside of me, my community is growing all the time in meaningful and beautiful ways, I am continuing to learn new things and to be touched by the world around me. My family is happy and fulfilled. My house is warm and beautiful. I can't think of anything I need that I don't have. I think I will just sit and cherish this feeling for a little while. I hope 2012 is full of wonder and love for all of you. I hope that good fortune and easy times roll in with the chiming of the clock. Thank you for 2011. Happy New Year.
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