36 weeks 2 days

I am in purgatory.  I am tired, clumsy, awkward but also content, excited, proud and happy.  I am so ready to meet this baby.  I want to smell its head and kiss its face.  I want to run my hands over every inch of the little body I have been carrying with me for the last 8 1/2 months.  I want to FINALLY understand what labor feels like.  I feel like an anxious horse in the pen awaiting the gun signalling the start of the race.  I don't even know what the gun will sound like but everyone says I will know it when I feel it.  I feel like I am waiting, waiting, waiting.  I feel like I should be doing more.  I want to be running and snowshoeing and taking full advantage of this time away from work....yeah right.  I know I will be back to my usual active self soon and for now walks and swimming DO make me happy.  My point is more that my brain is not used to this pause.  On top of that I am nearly constantly uncomfortable.  I don't mean this to sound overly negative.  I am not miserable.  It is not inherently problematic, I am just starting to feel like we don't both fit in here very well.  On top of my growing belly, my breasts are in another growth spurt leaving me feeling heavy, heavy, heavy all over.  I know that they will get even bigger once the milk arrives but you must understand how it can be a bit overwhelming to see them growing again now, knowing I may see as much as 2 more cup sizes before I start to return to some semblance of stability.  2 more cup sizes would put me into an E?

Mentally I am quite labile these days.  I feel a little helpless and that makes me paranoid.  I need G to help me with so much and I sort of hate asking him.  He is ALWAYS happy to help but I think the waiting is taking a toll on him as well.  It is sort of like the baby is the big event and yet, we have no idea when the big event is, we are just waiting.  He is to the teeth with people telling him how he is going to feel once the baby arrives.  He hates when people assume to know how he feels or what he thinks and it sort of ruins it for him when people get pushy and bossy about stuff.  He experienced very similar frustrations just before the wedding.

I got really sad and frustrated with him the other day when he said he felt like he just wished he could take a time out from the baby being the main focus of everything.  I totally and completely understand what he meant.  I wish the same thing.  I remember being a multifaceted person months ago and now I feel like EVERYTHING I do or am unable to do is to do with being pregnant and getting ready for a baby.  However, I was totally pissed off at the same time.  I thought "You wish YOU could take a break?! That's a fucking riot!  I believe YOU have gone hiking with the guys for the last 2 sets of days off.  I believe YOU still get to sleep for hours on end without waking up stuck in bed, having to pee so badly you think you actually might explode if you sit up wrong.  You get to sleep however the fuck you please.  You SLEEP!  You get to go to work and turn off the baby brain. You can still walk like a normal person.  People at the grocery store don't look at you with 'that look' that is either pity or horror as you get bigger and bigger.  You can drink 3 beers on a Friday night.  You have room in your body for a normal sized portion of dinner.  You don't get seized by contractions that make whatever you're doing nearly impossible.  You can bend over.  You can put on your shoes in under 3 min.  YOU DON'T GET WINDED WALKING FROM THE TOILET TO THE SOFA!!!!!!!!!! You wish YOU COULD HAVE A BREAK?!"

I know all of that makes it sound like I hate being pregnant.  I don't.  Honestly, I have found this to be a really amazing time.  I feel more connected to my body, more confidant in my self and my capacity and more beautiful than I have ever felt in my entire life.  All that said, it is some fucking hard work and the end of it is not pretty.  I am happily here doing it and over the moon to be able to do it in the first place but it is hard and there are no breaks.  I haven't felt like "myself" in 33 weeks.   So, when he said that, I felt so horribly pissed and alone I didn't know what to do.  I DID actually know.  I listened and told him I understood, because I do.  I kept the crazy 85% in the bottle.  I eventually expressed that it made me feel upset and anxious, largely because I feel like I 'did' this to him, to us.   But the fact of the matter is that me rambling off the above list would not do us any good.  He knows.  He is totally aware that this is hard and that it is not equal in the physical/physiological sense.  It IS harder for me.  But I also recognize that he doesn't feel all the little exciting things and experience the intimate relationship I am experiencing with the little one yet.  So, it is, in that sense harder for him to feel connected, excited, engaged with the developing process except when I have a list for him or put his hand on my wriggling belly.  So, you see, it is hard all around.  It is beautiful and good all around.  It is good for us to go through this in our own ways and to work to stay connected to one another and to support each other on this whacked out ride, but it is not easy.

As much as I want to experience labor and birth, I know that I need a little more time, my baby needs a little more time.  36 weeks is too soon.  37 weeks probably is too but we will see what happens.  I REALLY don't want to be in the hospital, especially if it is just because the baby is too early.  I want things to be peaceful and I want the baby to call the shots.  So, I will spend a few more weeks in my purgatory.  I will continue to tick things off of my list.  I will probably continue to feel impatient and to over analyze every little twinge but that is seeming more and more like just another rite of passage and part of the process so I will attempt to embrace that part too and not spend too much time abusing myself for feeling what I feel.  But in all seriousness, if this critter wants out in 5 days I am all in.  We just need 5 more days.