I know it has been approximately a million years since I wrote and that is just a product of my insane life and my on and off fear of the blogosphere. None of that matters today though, because this is the Vernonia Race Report!!
Last October, due to all the insanity surrounding my night shift internship, finishing school, taking my NREMT exam in Denver, moving into our freshly bought house and planning a ginormous DIY wedding, I did not run the Portland marathon as I had hoped. Instead, I ran the back half of it with my sister-in-law who was running it as her very first marathon ever. I was disappointed in myself and what I perceived as my inability to 'follow through'. What I know understand to be the last shred of sanity and instinct for self preservation kicked in and said "You don't want to run your first marathon in 10 years in survival mode. You are not ready to do anything more than survive this run...it would be ugly and painful and likely, a giant mindscrew". So, I ran with the sis and she was awesome. She kept her spirits up and it was very inspiring. I decided to get moving the next day. I signed up for Autumn Leaves Ultra (the 10k for me thanks!) as my buddy Lynn was going to be running her first 50k and that inspired me too. I felt all this motivation and wasn't ready for the season to be over yet. Somewhere after running my fastest 10k ever and getting roped into another lap (10k) with a group of women supporting another first time 50k runner named Jodi, I found my running soul. I met women who were just getting started finding their potential as runner and as women and mothers. I met women shaped like me and women who had found their way out from under hundreds of pounds to where they are now, happy, healthy, running MACHINES. I was so on fire I didn't know what to do with myself. I had never seen myself in the running community the way I saw myself in these women. All I knew was that I weighed the most I have ever weighed and I felt like anything was possible through running.
I started thinking about the next year as I was building up my mileage again (After Autumn Leaves I spent 2.5 months in PT for some pretty awful shinsplints). I had so much I wanted to do before getting pregnant. I wrote the list 1.Lose weight (like 55lbs) 2.Spend some quality time with my husband doing things that strengthen our bond to one another 3. Expand my community 4. Run another Marathon.....and then came 5. Run a 50k....and then came 6.Qualify for Marathon Maniacs.....Where was that sweet, sensible, mid western girl who has spent years putting her love of cheese above her love of herself?! 50k?! Marathon Maniac!? How about we take this thing one step at a time eh?
I decided to just try running Eugene Marathon. I had a blast running the half last year, the price was right and my in-laws live in Eugene so the travel is just fine. The Hubbs was in too. It would be his first full marathon. We were stoked. Then Lynn Gibson struck! She recommended we do Vernonia Marathon as a "practice" for Eugene as they were about 3 weeks apart it would be plenty of time to recover and then be strong at Eugene. Having watched my 'Chicks' (the group of amazingly awe inspiring, bionic yet unconditionally supportive women now had a name and a FB community) run 50ks and 100ks over the winter and early spring I realized I had started to adopt this sort of "meh, just a long run" mentality about training. I was no longer getting all freaked out about my 16 or my 18 or even my 20. G and I did that one in forest park and had a really good time. Running was slowly becoming a part of who I am...no longer just a very tough gate to get through before I could eat cheese. It was starting to become a part of my relationship with G also. We were in it together and racing on our own. We discovered that it seemed to be a good thing to learn how to support one another through tough physical and mental events. We seemed to be getting to know one another better and learning how to communicate with one another better through our long runs. And he was learning how to pace his 8min/mile self by running with my 12:30min/mile self.
We were feeling pretty good about our running and my work schedule with my new job fell perfectly in line. We signed up for Vernonia. OMG!!! Race day was upon us. We were ready. Jodi C had honored me by signing up and offering to run with me. G was all set with a zillion play lists to choose from and the chicks were out in force. Rose, Nancy, Amy, Liz, Aleta, Jodi, Deb and Esther getting ready to Maniac herself. It was the most excited and enthusiastic I have ever felt. We rode the bus 30 min from Vernonia to the starting line in Banks. The bathrooms were NOT porta potties but real bathrooms, there was a place to hang out inside and stay warm. It was looking like a pretty sweet set up for a race.
I need to take a second and say that I look at the chicks like my big sisters. I am so in awe of them. I just want them to think I am cool. I just want to be able to keep up. I see myself in pieces of all of them and so aspire to be tough, strong and positive the way they are. This marathon, with Jodi by my side meant a LOT to me. Meeting her at Autumn Leaves really truly changed my life. It felt pretty huge to have her offer to spend 6 hours shuffling along beside me.
The early start gun went off and there were maybe 80 people who crossed the start line. It was some of the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen outside of FP. There was moss and green and a misty rain all around. There were railroad bridges and craggy old trees. It was breathtaking. It was a nice time for the first 5 miles and then we began the stretch of low grade uphill. It lasted 6 miles. That is when I started to freak out. Something was rubbing in my shoe and I could feel a hot spot on my toe....my quads felt tired (ALREADY!). I started to panic. I kept saying "What if I can't do this?" "What if I get to that place where it hurts and I can't get through it? Why do I have a blister at mile 5?". I was terrified. I kept running. I got quiet and Jodi made me eat something. I continued to panic. I copped to my panic and Jodi said "you just have to change the mental track". I tried. No dice. I was still scared that I was going to hit the wall. I didn't realize I was already there. This was my wall. I was giving myself the old mindfuc*. I kept running. People would pass us and say "you're almost there!" I wanted to yell, do I LOOK like a half marathon runner or something?! Because I am nowhere NEAR "ALMOST THERE". I have another 13.2 miles to go! I did not say this. I said "Well, almost half way anyway" and smiled. I kept running.
At the half marathon point we topped out on the slow burn hill and flew down this long lovely downhill to the half marathon finish line. As we crossed a road Jodi sort of gasped and said "Don't look up sweety". I didn't look up. I put my head down and kept running. Somewhere on the really high/steep/switchback riddled up hill we were passed by G. He was looking a little tired but he looked about as happy to see me as I felt to see him. There was a super uncoordinated kiss and he walked with Jodi and I as we took on the hill. At the top of the hill we high fived and he was off, looking fast and strong and inspiring as always. He is built for this you see. There is something in the water in Eugene that makes them skinny and strong and fast....I kept running. I was still pretty freaked out but had resigned myself to the race. As Jodi said "You're in it now. Just tell your body to hush and keep going". I stopped fighting my mind and instead told Jodi about my week at work last week when I took care of some pretty sick patients. It go us through a few miles.
By mile 15 I was back in the game. My body was stiffening up but I was sort a "so what?" about it. I took small walk breaks every mile or so and that seemed to keep me from going totally rigid. At mile 18 Deb met up with us. She is getting ready to run 100 miles. And thus she is full of enthusiasm and energy. Taper is a killer that way. We talked about her race on the horizon. We talked girl talk of "Nuun-ers" and British Banannas....there was a lot of laughter. The miles between 18 and 25 really flew by. The wall I had so feared out there in the final 10 never arrived. I had already gone up and over it. As we came into town for the last mile Jodi and Deb made me talk about the last year. I told them about my struggles with body image and my desire for speed. I told them about family dynamics as old as time. I told them about how I became a runner out of sheer stubbornness but how having my heart broken wide open by the women I met at Autumn Leaves had brought me back. Jodi was crying for me on and off the whole last mile. She already knew what I was about to feel as I crossed that finish line. I was still a tiny bit afraid I would break down before I ever got there. As I entered the lap on the track I felt like I had nothing left and I wanted to walk the lap. I whispered to Jodi "I am empty. I don't have anything left". She said "Sure you do" and left it at that. I crossed the finish line and the tears came like they had been preprogrammed. I didn't think I was going to cry and then BAM. I was sobbing in short bursts and hugging everyone. I was so proud. I didn't give a shit what place or what time, though not last and under 6 hours feels nice. I was just so proud that I hadn't needed anyone else to drag me or convince me or to show me my own strength. I had stayed positive and I had just done it. I KNOW that Jodi's support (singing camp songs, telling stories, and reminding me to eat) had made this possible but I had to pick myself up and run. And I did.
Now, as I look out on the horizon to Eugene in a few weeks and Forest Park a few weeks beyond that, I am excited. I feel like I know what I want to change and what I want to strengthen before then. I am so excited. I am sore and tired and have a hell of a cold but I don't care. I am a marathoner again and all of that good stuff inside me has been renewed. I CAN do anything I put my mind to. Thanks seems so shallow a word but thanks. To all of you who have shared a kind word or a struggle. Who have asked for or given advice. To all of you who have posted a tale of a great run or a hard one. You have shown me that "it takes all kinds" applies to runners too. I just so happy to be here.
