Fall

Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground. It seems like only a moment ago I was hoping the spring rain would let up long enough for me to run MY 50k and now it has been almost a week since we sat with fingers crossed hoping the fall rain would hold off long enough for the ladies to run Autumn Leaves. The summer was over in a blur of weddings, sleeping in tents, sweating at any temperature, flying cross country, tears of ALL emotions and zofran....lots and lots of zofran. It seems like it was such a small speck of time yet almost nothing is the same as it was that last weekend of May. As I sit here I can feel the hands and feet of the tiny person inside of me, fluttering around, exploring and painting the walls. I feel strangely different.

I have been a borderline "neurotic" my entire adult life. I am hyper aware of my body and myself and it makes me fret over stupid stuff all the time. I am not quite hypochondriac bad but just bad enough to be a bit of a head case on a regular basis.

First I worried that we would struggle to get pregnant. We have so many buddies who have had to work harder at it and I just assumed that would be our story too. Well, we all know how that one turned out.... "Hey honey, wanna skip the condom?" Sure! Not like you get pregnant on the first go." {2 week interlude} "Hey honey, remember when we skipped the condom?" "Oh WHAT!?"

Next, I worried that I wouldn't STAY pregnant. I know the odds and I was ready to face my potential reality with all of the grace and stone strong optimism that has been shown by one of my best friends in her journey to start a family. Well, I was sick as shit for months which seemed to be hard but also very comforting since it was the "baby growing" hormones that were making me so ill.

Up next was a little Cystic Fibrosis scare. We had some labs drawn and found that I am a carrier. It took WEEKS before the insurance company could bother to get us approved for G to be tested since it is a 400$ test. He is not a carrier and our initial ultrasound looked good so that worry melted away as well.

The next one was the first trimester depression. That sucked. Thanks hormones. Then came the work contract thingy and while that is not resolved yet I have found that I need to just let this shit GO. And for the most part I can. I have never had that power before. Or maybe I have never chosen to before but it sorta feels like it is easier now. I don't quite know why, other than I know that the health of this pregnancy and this person dancing in my belly depends upon it, but it is a very simple choice now....almost like no choice at all....just breathe and let it go. Things are crazy uncertain enough without adding any suffering to it. I blog about it to set it free and then I, honest to god, feel better.

I was talking to my very Buddhist father about it and I told him "I will deal with the dragon when it knocks on the door and not a moment sooner. I don't have time to worry about the dragons that MIGHT be in the basement or under the bed or anywhere else for that matter. I've got shit to DO and happy to BE." My dad laughed and said it sounded very wise. I don't know about all of that but it seems to be working pretty well at the moment. So for now that is the plan. I make a conscious effort to enjoy this precious time with G as a couple, I try to keep my eye on the prize and I try to keep my blood sugar level....everything else just seems to roll from there. I don't want to sound like one of those smug pregnant ladies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8 but there are some things that do get easier once your world has been turned on its ass.

**Update** After spending an entire day in bed after AL I felt much better. I was pretty freaked out but luckily I seem to be back to normal. We'll see what the chiro has to say about all of it when she feels my back and shakes her head at all work I UNDID last weekend but live and learn right?