Things That Frighten Me

So, in thinking about my goals for 2011 I have run into some repeated themes of fear and uncertainty. Most of them are about as likely as "things that go bump in the night", but I am thinking that if I say them out loud, in the light of day, maybe they won't hold as much power over me or at least, maybe they won't be so loud in here any more.

I am afraid my family will fall apart. My parents are divorced (going on 7 years). They have come back around to being friends but it is still an awkward and clumsy dance most of the time. They love each other very much but with 36 years in the context of husband and wife it is hard to find new roles. That is not to say they are/ever have though of getting back together. It is just that they don't always know how to interact with one another and they get frustrated and then I get to hear about it. My father was recently diagnosed with early prostate cancer. I understand fully that prostate cancer is not a killer in 99% of men. I also understand that the side effects of the treatment can dramatically change a person's life. Incontinence, impotence, pain, issues with urination, issues with GI bleeds, the list goes on. It has been hard for my Dad to find his way to "happy" and I am not always 100% certain he knows the difference between "at peace" and "happy". I am afraid that this cancer will change his life in a way that further alters his perception of himself as a man/partner to a woman. I just don't want that for him. Beyond the change in his life, I fear that the process will cause stress for the rest of the family (KR - Dad's wonderful partner, Mom, myself). It took a while for mom and KR to get to the solid place they are now and I don't want that shaken up by my mom's take charge kinda nature or my Dad's need for his best friend as he goes through this. I know this is all a little vague but so are monsters under the bed. Fear however, is fear.

I am afraid my Mom will never move from her big house. This one is so complicated and fraught with potential misunderstanding that I think I should just say that I really want my mom nearer by. I would love for her to live in Eugene or Seattle or Bend. I would even be ok with her in the city. I know it would take a little time to settle in and make new friends but I know she would love it. I am afraid she will never move west and I KNOW I will be the one who has to care for her some day. I just want her closer so she can see her grand babies in the future....

I am afraid I will never lose the weight. I was at the gym yesterday and there was a woman there who was pretty clearly working off the baby weight and I sort of struck me..."I will gain a bunch of pregnancy weight and then I will be right back where I started from. I will never be free from this battle". Guhh! That was sort of heavy. But I fear that I will never get below 200lbs (only 9lbs away) and thus, I will be trapped in this body that doesn't match my spirit forever! (I am not saying I am a skinny girl inside. Far from it. I am a cheese fed Midwestern girl. But there is also this athlete inside who wants a shot at running faster and looking as strong as she is)

I am afraid it will never look like a grown up lives in my house. It seems a constant battle to keep the clutter at bay. I am not sure how my grown up lady friends do it. It is like I have too much shit and so it is always all spread all over the place. I need to pare down and get back to basics.

I am afraid I will suck at being a street medic.

I am afraid I will suck at driving an ambulance.

I am afraid I will not be able to get pregnant.

I am afraid of getting pregnant.

I am afraid I will never go to Africa.

I am afraid I will wake up one day unhappy.

Whoo. This is not a happy post. I am not unhappy currently. I am just reflecting and these are the recurring speed bumps. I thought putting them all together might help....I am not sure yet.

<3