Sometimes things are just hard

Life is 98% wonderful. I have a new job. I have a wonderful husband. I have 2 fantastic dogs. I am healthy. I have great friends. My family is relatively well and we all speak to one another. My in laws are some of the kindest souls alive. Life should be pretty gravy. Then why am I "so negative all of the time lately"? That was the question posed to me tonight. At the risk of really hurting any one's feelings or seeming like an ungrateful brat I will try to explain.

Things are "ultimately" wonderful but "relatively" difficult. I am sad. I am sad because my family is very very very far away. Beyond the geographical distance there is this strange and painful other, more nebulous distance that has developed over the last 2ish years. Maybe it is what growing up feels like...If so, I understand Peter Pan like never before. I was fortunate enough to get to take a trip to Florida to see my family this winter but to be honest, the two people I wanted to see most were not there. I could feel the void or maybe it was the feeling of my desire to see them...whatever. I could feel it like a fist around my heart the whole time.

I am lonely. I have been alone a LOT over the past 5 months. My schedule never syncs up with anyone else. It hasn't since summer time. I spend a lot of time by myself.

I worked my ass off in school to graduate into unemployment. I have finally landed the dream job and the sort of slimy corporate BS and arbitrary nature of the policies and their enforcement makes my teeth itch. I know it will feel differently when I make it to the part where I get to help people but for now I just dread another day in a classroom listening to the party line. I am not built for this. I am grateful but I flash back to the MMA days and it is part of why I left that whole culture to begin with. It chafes.

I am sad for some very dear friends and worried for others. I know this is not my shit to take on but when you love someone and you routinely listen to them cry about being unhappy in their relationship or job or both it breaks your heart a little knowing you are totally unable to help.

Speaking of unable to help....I have been totally unable to help around the house for months. All I do is cost money. It is a sucky feeling to know someone else has to take care of me. I hate it.

I feel like I have worked really hard and I thought I would feel like I had arrived someplace meaningful. I do not. I feel like I have fought and scrapped and failed and picked myself up to try again only to arrive at the starting line....it is a little frightening and overwhelming. What if I suck at this? What if I hate it?

I just don't feel like I have any control. I don't feel like I have anything that is MINE. It all feels very conditional and flimsy. It is scary. It is horrible. It is not something I can talk about because I don't really want anyone to know how bad I feel. I really don't want anyone to tell me it will all work out and try to brush it all away. It is not anyone elses to fix or to shoulder. It is only mine. I guess that is something that is mine...Mine is the utter lack of control over my own life. Mine is the worry over my father's cancer and my friend's happiness. Mine is the worry that I will never feel like a grown woman or feel settled. Mine is the restless worry and the fear that I will always be negative and quick to tear something apart in an attempt to feel better. Mine is the worry at noticing how automatic that response has become. Mine is the isolation I feel from even my most beloved. Mine is the disconnect I feel from a life that is 98% bliss right now...All mine is the utter fusion I feel to the other 2%. Lucky Me.