Negative Nancy Says Hush Little Rage Muffin Hush

So... after all of that.... I found out the state has everything they need and on Monday I am trotting my little behind to the EMS office and walking out an Oregon EMT-P. Then I will turn in my application and anxiously pace up and down for about a week.

In all of this I learned a few things. 1. Do not put off today what may cause you to not get a job you should really get tomorrow. 2. You are very very very very lucky if you can find a partner in this world who will watch you pull off some of the stupidest shit in history, know that even if they wanted to they could not stop you, and then totally refrain from judgment or shittiness when you come crying to them for help. 3. Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans....the important part is that you continue to make other plans and just roll, gracefully if possible, with what comes. 4. The woman at the state EMS office has a heart and soul after all and last but certainly not least #5. Admitting you created your own train wreck when asking for special help and acknowledging that people are not required to help you, but you really really appreciate it when they do goes a very long way in pulling yourself out of said train wreck.

And now I am off to Eugene to watch the Man run a half marathon in likely, only twice as long as it takes me to run my 5K..... Up next: The Midwestern girl attempts to impress her father in-law by cooking a yummy dinner....

Three Things Thursday turns to FU%K Me Friday....

So I missed TTT. I thought about writing. Honestly I did. I just felt so wiped out after my night at work on wednesday followed by a PT appointment in the middle of the only REM sleep I got all day. The dog was being a jerk and I didn't sleep which lead to feeling like yuk and not writing TTT post.

So, what happens when things are left too long without proper attention? Three Things Thursday turns into FMF. Here is a list of the three things I have not dealt with and am thus under the gun about on this lovely grey Friday.

1. My school loan/account balance for my final term. Yes, I graduated months ago. This summer in the heat of the insanity I decided, wisely at the time, that I would apply for one more little bump of help. I went through the whole mess of applications and co-signers and on and on. I was under the impression that all I needed to do was pay the balance and it was game on. Well, I did not have the $$ to pay the balance so I waited. I waited and the school held my diploma hostage. It was not the biggest deal. I would soon have the money and they would soon send me my diploma right? WRONG! You see, when you don't follow up properly even the simplest things turn into a total goat rodeo. I now have a shot at a job with a company here in the city which would pay more, be soooo much closer, start at full time more quickly and would involve a promise of that full time indefinitely but.....I need my state cert and to get that cert....I need my diploma. So I think, bad girl, you should not have dragged your feet for so long, now this is going to be a time crunch. I had no idea! I call school today all peppy, thinking all I had to do was fork over about 1200$. Nope! My loan disbursement got all jacked up and the bank and the school never caught up with each other to pass the cash. So, here I sit, on the verge of job opportunities totally screwed by my own hand. I said to the man "If I were my kid, I would be pretty disappointed in me right now".

2. Cleaning our bedroom....need I really say more?

3. The dryer is broken. We have a new homeowners warranty on all of that sort of stuff but in the mean time I went downstairs to find 2 loads of wet funky laundry laying in a pile on the washing machine. It was enough to give me a stroke. I was so pissed. I get it. It not working... SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOO ABOUT THE ROTTING LAUNDRY????!!!!!! I lost my cool a little then sucked it up and hung the shit on the drying rack. I go all Martha Steward on a bender of rage and passiveaggressivity sometimes when things like this happen.

Anyway, today is Friday my school situation is a total cluster, my bedroom is filthy and we are expected in Eugene tonight. I am in a labile mood at best....I hate it when the universe conspires against me to show me how disorganized and irresponsible I am.... I get it universe!!! Go back to casually ignoring my existence now please....

BLAAARRGHHH

Pardon my French but FUUUUUHHHHHCK!

I went to PT this morning and while he was checking out my pain scale I told him my knee felt a little janky. He checked out my knee and compared it to the other one and said "you have a little fluid on your knee." You must have jacked it up on the elliptical (based on what I was telling him) and now it is a little pissed and swollen. Then he gave me the fear of god speech as he called it. He threatened me with a torn meniscus if I didn't chill the F out. I am allowed pool running and walking and that is about it. Fuck Fuck Fuck! That is such a bummer! I have things to do, races to PR JAMES!!!! What the HELL?!!! More like what the hell body?! I am, needless to say, a little torn up about it. That said and profanity aside I am using this as a chance to practice being more patient, more creative and more positive. I think PT is a huge part of that as every time I go we work on something and I feel results and I leave with a clear picture of what to work on for next time. I'm such a follower! Anyway, I guess this is a two sided post. The first being the afore mentioned F!!! and the second being that I am taking a moment to pause and see this challenge for the potential growth it affords me. I will come out of this stronger, more creative and much more familiar with the pool down the road. I will learn how to read my body's signals and what to do to honor its needs while keeping my physical and mental fitness. Thanks for listening....

Three Things Thursday

Hi buddies. This week has sort of become a mixed bag of yays and shit. Instead of bitching and moaning though I am going to focus on the things I am "wicked" greatful for on this thursday. It might be more like a 6 things thursday but hey, it's my party I'll list make if I want to.

1. My Husband! He is my friggin' hero. He really just makes my world go round in so many ways. He keeps me fed, clothed, heat on, water running...he is sort of an all American guy. He is also a big fat feminist! But in all truth and seriousness. I could not get through the days without him. I am so freakin' lucky its a little wrong.

2. Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar...it's hard to follow my number one. It is a spot that can really only be filled with CHEESE! They are cheesy and salty and only 3 points per serving. They are my current favorite "I have worked hard and earned a treat damn it!" snack. I still haven't figured out how to get around the fact that if I were to buy a large bag instead of the single serving packs, I would eat the whole thing in one sitting 100% no question. I do feel a bit environmentally hypocritical.

3. My DM buddies. My PT told me this week that I am slowing my recovery down by trying to over do it. He cut my work outs way back and decreased my intensity....boo! But tonight, mid self pity party, my DM girlies gave me a little multifaceted pep talk and I am feeling resolute in my goals and in my prescribed treatment. I will simmer the F down until I am better.

Ok, well, that really covers the big three this week. We will have to see what tomorrow brings.
Hope this finds you all well,
-Anna

Sometimes We Struggle

I am not sure who it was who decided to indoctrinate millions of little girls into believing that one day they would get married (a totally blissed out "best day of their lives") and then everything would be happily ever after. No, I am not sure who came up with that line of crap but they ought to be punished, harshly. I don't say this to mean that "had I known how tough real life is I would have done anything differently", I mean it more in the "why do we perpetuate a concept that leaves women feeling freaked out, isolated and like failures?" I think it would be much more powerful and honest to say that real life continues after the wedding, which was probably a pretty overwhelming pain in the ass at times if we are honest with ourselves and our partners. Anyway, I have been thinking about it and it bums me out that we continue to act as if once you get married you should ride off into the sunset and drink fancy cocktails on the beach for eternity. No honey, that isn't eternity, that's the honeymoon. Eventually you come home and there are bills to pay, jobs to search for and the dog has knocked over the trash can and shredded a 3 day old chicken carcass on the sofa. Wedded bliss right? Well, actually, it can be. Not because you didn't give the rose colored glasses back to the flight attendant, because you have a partner now.

This may sound crazy but bear with me. When the Man and I were dating there were certain things that would send me into a tail spin about if I was right for him and vice verse. I would get upset about something, voice my opinion and then worry that he was going to decide I was a huge pain in the ass and he was out. No matter how much I loved him or how much love I felt from him I knew there was this line I shouldn't cross because I was "just the girlfriend" and he could easily just leave. There are still lines all over the place in our relationship. They migrate dependant upon blood sugar levels and hours of sleep logged in the last 72 hours. The difference now is that the line is not a line of "I will break up with you", it is a line of "I will be pissed" or "my feelings will be hurt" or worst "I will stop listening and likely do exactly the opposite of what you want just to be contrary". I hate to sound like a smug married but after the beerlopement in January, I have felt this sort of calm about things between us and it damn sure isn't because things have been so easy. We were down to one income as I was working like a slave in school, we found out that we had to move a second time in 9 months, we were getting married (big stinky wedding style), we decided to buy a house, move into it and I flew to Denver to take my boards. I maintain that all of these concerns and stresses are VERY VERY privileged concerns however, stress is relative and it was a LOT to manage all at once without losing sight of those lines. The point is that the lines are different now. It is so hard to describe but somehow, we have this understanding that we can get stressed, we can be badly behaved and underneath it all (as the great Gwen Stefani says) we really love each other so the rest is just weather. It will rain, it will shine, it will pass. The high risk lines are barely visible in the distance these days. It would take something pretty big to get either one of us there.

Since the dust has settled a bit new struggles have popped up. Most specifically my general discontent with unemployment and our mutual frustration and exasperation at the magnitude of the Man's ADD. He was born high speed. As he reads the book Driven to Distraction, he finds many passages that make him say "Oh, gosh! I never thought that was because of my ADD!" It has been a life long companion for him. I was pretty skeptical about adult ADD that is until we started living together. I am almost certain that I am not ADD free myself but there are differences between my procrastination and his and my distractability and his. I describe his unmedicated state like this; It is like I am trying to talk to someone standing in the middle of a very small room surrounded by TVs getting shitty reception on high volume. He is straining to hear me but he can't really over the noise and all the flashing lights. When he is medicated it is totally different. It is like we are standing in a room where it is quiet and peaceful with maybe a television on in the next room. Sometimes the sound drifts in but it isn't really constant or very distracting.

I think it is safe to say that a large portion of our fights or struggles with one another right after the wedding were in large part, due to me, getting really frustrated with the ADD and handling it badly. I felt like it wasn't his fault that the TVs were on all the time so it was sort of stupid to get mad at him. I felt ready to explode. I was over trying to find ways to coax and suggest and eventually, all out manipulate him into being a functioning grown-up. Hind sight being 20/20 I now wish I had just said something sooner instead of trying to puppet master the whole thing. I think I would have spent less time totally enraged on the inside. All that said, he went to the doctor last week and started a combination of medication and education. Things are better already. It is not all the ADD. It is me too. I am impatient and easily frustrated when I want something I cannot have for whatever reason. I was spending a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and I was sinking into a stinky place full of manipulation and far from the golden rule.

I think the golden rule would have really helped me out in the last 2 months. I was walking around demanding to be treated a certain way but I wasn't reciprocating. I wasn't treating the Man or the sister-in-law the way I know they want to be treated. I was too busy feeling robbed of my culturally promised fairy tale ending. I had a melt down a little over a week ago and the Man said a lot of sweet things but he also said this "I love you and I know you were tired after everything this summer, but you have layed down feeling sorry for yourself for long enough. It is time to get on with it already". I was sort of stunned. I am usually the tough love giver in our family and he usually ignores my bad behavior until it is over and then readily accepts my apology once I have come to my senses. This was different. I was full of love and sincerity and not the slightest hint of malice so I took it as it was intended. It was a life raft. I climbed in.

The life raft is well equipped. It came with a gym pass, a weight watchers membership, a supportive helper on souper Tuesdays, a job interview and some new medication for the Man. I prefer the life raft to the stormy sea of self pity.

So, this is sort of a rambly entry but the point are 1. Why do we insist upon painting this picture of happily ever after for our girls? I get that it is easier to say H.E.A than it is to say, and then they worked at their relationship and personal goals together and independently for as long as they were together, but who are we kidding? Who are we hurting? 2. I dig the way I feel about being married. Even when the shit just keeps hitting the fan it is easier than it was before and thank God for that. And 3. You don't have to be in elementary school to remember or relearn the Golden Rule. It is still good.

I intend to write more about our journey as a pair and the ever moving lines we create and erase but this stuff has been rattling around and I thought it best to start trying to talk about it. Who knows? It may be something someone needs to see. It may be just the thing to let another person know that they are not alone in the H.E.A struggle.

Souper Tuesday

It is upon us again friends! Soup Day! Hooray! This is week three of my little underground soup biz and I am excited. The last 2 weeks I have made some rather off beat soups like white bean and chicken, fish chowder, pureed garden veggie and autumn potato-squash. By off beat I mean they are not soups that people can imagine the flavor of right away. They are not as mainstream as what I am rolling out this week...Lentil as the veggie option of the week and Organic Beef Chili. I think they will be a big hit. They are very classic soups and it is sort of a dreary day outside so soup will be PERFECT!

Speaking of dreary days...we finally caved in and turned on our furnace. We had originally set the goal of making it to November before we turned it on but lo and behold, we made it an entire week further before deciding that we had had enough of freezing fingers and toes and wearing hats to bed. Yes friends it is truly fall here in the pacific NW. I dare say it is even inching on towards winter.

In happiest of happy news I had a really great interview with a rural ambulance company yesterday. I walked in and the "boss lady" greeted me and took me to the classroom where there was another woman waiting for us. The BL then said "Ok, we're going to start of with a megacode. Just get things rolling from there." In paramedic speak megacode is the training drill where everything goes wrong and a patient is trying very hard to die on you and you are trying very hard, including using all of you drugs, electricity, breathing tubes and sphincter control, to keep them from staying dead. It is NOT my favorite thing. Anyway, she said that and I am reasonably certain I let out and audible "guhh". Very confidence inspiring, I know! The BL started laughing and said "No, No just kidding". I think I must have looked like I was about to throw up. You see, in "real life", and ACLS class, you usually have a little cheat sheet with the algorithms on it and you look at the patient, decided which of the three flavors of dead they are and you start down the appropriate pathway. I had NOTHING of the sort on my person and had gone a solid 3 months without much thinking about megacodes. I was a little unprepared to say the least. So, once my heart stopped beating so hard I was shaking and I calmed my gag reflex a bit, we started the interview.

The interview went well, there were only a few moments where I felt like my mouth was moving and I wasn't quite sure what I had already said and what I was about to say. There was some quick thinking going on. Not that I was being untruthful, but there were questions I had not anticipated and thus, I had to think quickly a few times to answer them in a thoughtful, put together manner. I was feeling like things were going pretty well when the question of "how would you get patient so and so to go to the hospital with you if he didn't want to go but was probably having a heart attack?" I stepped back and said "I would look around his environment and see what I could find. Does he have children?, a wife? a pack of buddies he goes fishing with? Does he seem to have anything he really cares about? Once I find that thing, I will lean on that emotional connection. "Sir, you seem to have a lot of folks who care about you. I don't think you want to worry them like this. Let's get you checked out so you can get back to your grand kids (or whatever)". It was that answer that caused the change in the BL's language. She stopped saying "If you come to work here" and started saying "when you start". It was very subtle and I am not sure if she even noticed she was saying it but it shifted. I was IN! The interview ended with her telling me that the process was going to take some time and not to freak out or become discouraged. Also, that I am coming on as several folks are leaving or dropping down to fewer hours to have babies so it will be a rather dynamic schedule. I don't even care! I have an in and that is all I needed. I drove home very happy.

Three Things Thursday

1. This week's soup was a smash hit Roasted accor squash with garden veggies and Chicken with mixed beans and veggies. This is important because last week was a different crew on at the hospital and now that I know both rotations like the soup I know I can make a go of it. A buddy even pointed out that it is totally legal to sell food to friends without all of the legal business stuff like commercial kitchens and blah blah. I hope that is true however, even if it is not, I am going to continue gambling because it is starting to make a dent in the bill for the man's holiday gift and as soon as I can get that taken care of I can get on with the rest of the things I need to figure out how to pay for. Anyway, take home message is SOUP IS GOOD! It is good for your body and spirit and for my mind and wallet. EAT SOUP!

2. The man built a shed! He is HAAAAAANDY! I knew it was in him but was unsure how deep down it was buried. He started scheming over a month ago and today his man buddies came over and together, they built a huge, very cool, very well crafted wood shed. I should state for the record that he had all but the roof completed yesterday and the man clan just helped with the roof which would have been do-able but not very pretty alone... The Man has great friends. They are neighborhood guys who either work with me at the ED or have wives who work with me. They are a solid, sweet, nerdy, freakishly handy, studly bunch. They do roofs, they play bingo and they all love muts. I took them a pot of coffee this morning and as I was carrying the tray out to the yard I caught myself in the midst of a 40's housewife moment. My reaction was to set the tray down and say to the Man Clan "Don't get any ideas, I just don't want you tracking shit in the house" Grumble, stomp off back to clean the bathroom...Oh Anna! You are such a conflicted little freak!

3.Compression socks....I am wondering if these bad boys might not help me feel better. I have been compressing and icing for the past few days and the compression feels really good. I am going to see what the PT says tomorrow but some zippy new leg sleeves might be in my future. I just want to run already! This whole injured not injured thing is for the birds!