Sometimes We Struggle

I am not sure who it was who decided to indoctrinate millions of little girls into believing that one day they would get married (a totally blissed out "best day of their lives") and then everything would be happily ever after. No, I am not sure who came up with that line of crap but they ought to be punished, harshly. I don't say this to mean that "had I known how tough real life is I would have done anything differently", I mean it more in the "why do we perpetuate a concept that leaves women feeling freaked out, isolated and like failures?" I think it would be much more powerful and honest to say that real life continues after the wedding, which was probably a pretty overwhelming pain in the ass at times if we are honest with ourselves and our partners. Anyway, I have been thinking about it and it bums me out that we continue to act as if once you get married you should ride off into the sunset and drink fancy cocktails on the beach for eternity. No honey, that isn't eternity, that's the honeymoon. Eventually you come home and there are bills to pay, jobs to search for and the dog has knocked over the trash can and shredded a 3 day old chicken carcass on the sofa. Wedded bliss right? Well, actually, it can be. Not because you didn't give the rose colored glasses back to the flight attendant, because you have a partner now.

This may sound crazy but bear with me. When the Man and I were dating there were certain things that would send me into a tail spin about if I was right for him and vice verse. I would get upset about something, voice my opinion and then worry that he was going to decide I was a huge pain in the ass and he was out. No matter how much I loved him or how much love I felt from him I knew there was this line I shouldn't cross because I was "just the girlfriend" and he could easily just leave. There are still lines all over the place in our relationship. They migrate dependant upon blood sugar levels and hours of sleep logged in the last 72 hours. The difference now is that the line is not a line of "I will break up with you", it is a line of "I will be pissed" or "my feelings will be hurt" or worst "I will stop listening and likely do exactly the opposite of what you want just to be contrary". I hate to sound like a smug married but after the beerlopement in January, I have felt this sort of calm about things between us and it damn sure isn't because things have been so easy. We were down to one income as I was working like a slave in school, we found out that we had to move a second time in 9 months, we were getting married (big stinky wedding style), we decided to buy a house, move into it and I flew to Denver to take my boards. I maintain that all of these concerns and stresses are VERY VERY privileged concerns however, stress is relative and it was a LOT to manage all at once without losing sight of those lines. The point is that the lines are different now. It is so hard to describe but somehow, we have this understanding that we can get stressed, we can be badly behaved and underneath it all (as the great Gwen Stefani says) we really love each other so the rest is just weather. It will rain, it will shine, it will pass. The high risk lines are barely visible in the distance these days. It would take something pretty big to get either one of us there.

Since the dust has settled a bit new struggles have popped up. Most specifically my general discontent with unemployment and our mutual frustration and exasperation at the magnitude of the Man's ADD. He was born high speed. As he reads the book Driven to Distraction, he finds many passages that make him say "Oh, gosh! I never thought that was because of my ADD!" It has been a life long companion for him. I was pretty skeptical about adult ADD that is until we started living together. I am almost certain that I am not ADD free myself but there are differences between my procrastination and his and my distractability and his. I describe his unmedicated state like this; It is like I am trying to talk to someone standing in the middle of a very small room surrounded by TVs getting shitty reception on high volume. He is straining to hear me but he can't really over the noise and all the flashing lights. When he is medicated it is totally different. It is like we are standing in a room where it is quiet and peaceful with maybe a television on in the next room. Sometimes the sound drifts in but it isn't really constant or very distracting.

I think it is safe to say that a large portion of our fights or struggles with one another right after the wedding were in large part, due to me, getting really frustrated with the ADD and handling it badly. I felt like it wasn't his fault that the TVs were on all the time so it was sort of stupid to get mad at him. I felt ready to explode. I was over trying to find ways to coax and suggest and eventually, all out manipulate him into being a functioning grown-up. Hind sight being 20/20 I now wish I had just said something sooner instead of trying to puppet master the whole thing. I think I would have spent less time totally enraged on the inside. All that said, he went to the doctor last week and started a combination of medication and education. Things are better already. It is not all the ADD. It is me too. I am impatient and easily frustrated when I want something I cannot have for whatever reason. I was spending a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and I was sinking into a stinky place full of manipulation and far from the golden rule.

I think the golden rule would have really helped me out in the last 2 months. I was walking around demanding to be treated a certain way but I wasn't reciprocating. I wasn't treating the Man or the sister-in-law the way I know they want to be treated. I was too busy feeling robbed of my culturally promised fairy tale ending. I had a melt down a little over a week ago and the Man said a lot of sweet things but he also said this "I love you and I know you were tired after everything this summer, but you have layed down feeling sorry for yourself for long enough. It is time to get on with it already". I was sort of stunned. I am usually the tough love giver in our family and he usually ignores my bad behavior until it is over and then readily accepts my apology once I have come to my senses. This was different. I was full of love and sincerity and not the slightest hint of malice so I took it as it was intended. It was a life raft. I climbed in.

The life raft is well equipped. It came with a gym pass, a weight watchers membership, a supportive helper on souper Tuesdays, a job interview and some new medication for the Man. I prefer the life raft to the stormy sea of self pity.

So, this is sort of a rambly entry but the point are 1. Why do we insist upon painting this picture of happily ever after for our girls? I get that it is easier to say H.E.A than it is to say, and then they worked at their relationship and personal goals together and independently for as long as they were together, but who are we kidding? Who are we hurting? 2. I dig the way I feel about being married. Even when the shit just keeps hitting the fan it is easier than it was before and thank God for that. And 3. You don't have to be in elementary school to remember or relearn the Golden Rule. It is still good.

I intend to write more about our journey as a pair and the ever moving lines we create and erase but this stuff has been rattling around and I thought it best to start trying to talk about it. Who knows? It may be something someone needs to see. It may be just the thing to let another person know that they are not alone in the H.E.A struggle.