I have always considered myself a democrat. I was raised by a pair of quality hippies who bucked the stereotypical gender roles when it came to parenting and were strong and vocal advocates of women and equality and environmental stewardship. My parents weren't total radicals but my Dad was a stay at home parent and my mom was the bread winning, barn re roofing (later to come out as a lesbian) tough parent. They were best buddies and very much modeled equality in their relationship.
My Mom was also a huge women's health and rights advocate. She was a labor and delivery RN and then a Nurse Midwife and ALWAYS working to help shore up and advance the rights of women with specific emphasis on access to education and health care. I grew up believing in "Our Body, Our Choice" and the value of planned parenthood.
In my adult life I think I have come around from total incense burning hippie child to slightly leftist libertarian. Working in "Public Service" as an emergency department tech and now as a paramedic, some of my ideals about ALL PEOPLE deserving unlimited access to health care have become a bit reshaped. I am now acutely aware of the abuse of the system that has become so pervasive as to cripple the current system. I am ALSO acutely aware that a large majority of the folks abusing the system have been failed utterly by other parts of our 'American' system however, that does not mean they are not fucking ruining the health care system or that they are not often totally and completely full of shit when they call 911.
Ok, where am I going with all of this? I am going to Rick Santorum. This guy is running for fucking PRESIDENT! OF AMERICA! He wants to undo about 60 years of progress because.....well, because he hates women. There is no other way to think about it really. He must hate women. Or he fears them....either way he wants to relegate us to baby factories. He says he thinks contraception is harmful to women and harmful to society. He believes it is "dangerous' and "leads to unplanned pregnancies". He actually says that sex, EVEN between MARRIED STRAIGHT PEOPLE should only be for procreation. What happened to this guy in the past?! No really?! Someone did something awful to this guy at some point. There is no other explanation for a self identified straight man to seems so disdainful of sex. He is either awful, married to someone who is awful, doesn't have a penis or appropriate nerve endings, or was really abused at some point. I start getting crazy when I try to think about it too hard. Its like trying to see one of those eye blurr puzzles when you don't know how. You stare and stare and it just gets crazier and crazier and before you know it you have a headache and you feel a little sick. I am going to call this the Santorum effect.
I don't know how anyone in their right mind or anyone who likes having sex and not making babies EVERY time could get behind this guy. I remember thinking, only a few months ago, that reproductive freedom and marriage equality would never really be up for debate. I thought we would hear a bunch of rabble rabble but we would remain free to contracept and we would slowly chip away at the bullshit blocking true equality. I am now rethinking some of the things I said to some friends of mine who had expressed a desire to become ex-pats should Gingrich be elected. I had been a bit harsh with them saying I felt it was sort of cowardly to "just bail out" and not stay and fight for a better nation....I think that if enough people vote to elect him, even GWBush style, there is no hope for this nation....I am not sure WHERE we will go but I will not raise children in a society that elects someone like that president.
Ok, next entry will be something baby/pregnancy/inner workings of my muddy mind....But now it is time to go home and make Spaghetti squash for dinner.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Why is this the longest week ever?
I am officially 37w4d today. Its great because I can go into labor at any time now and I am good to stay home. That was always the goal and now that we are there I am cleared for take off. That said I am feeling super conflicted. I am feeling all panic-ey that if I go before my due date it is going to screw up my "schedule" and I am afraid I don't want to go back to work so soon....like somehow if I go into labor now I will be going back sooner....Its sort of crazy but its how I feel. I feel like if I can make it to 39wks it will be better? I am also harboring this feeling that I am a bad pregnant lady if go into labor before my due date. I feel like it means I didn't keep my baby in for the whole time....Pure crazy...I am aware.
I woke up last night with cramps and have had them on and off all morning. I feel sort of quiet and cranky today. The baby has totally dropped down. My belly looks very different than it has up to this point. It is all very encouraging. I am not sure if I said anything about it but the midwives told me that the baby was posterior after the home visit. I have thus been doing all sorts of hands and knees time and working to get him/her turned back to front with me. There is definitely a butt on the right side of my belly now which is very comforting.
I went to see the acupuncturist last night. I went to see the guy who used to treat my shinsplints. He is so very zen and mellow. It was really a trippy experience. He asked me "So are you clear for induction". Hearing it out loud was really like a slap to my head. I AM. That's the crazy part. Since acupuncture can be a very gentle augmentation in the final weeks I AM clear for induction. There isn't really another word for it other than induction it just had a lot of other meanings that are well....icky to me.
Anyway, I felt so sleepy and relaxed. I was talking to the baby as I sat there in the chair. I could feel the baby moving after the needles were all placed. The baby turned and moved down a little. I was using some positive visualization and I was telling the baby that whenever they are ready we can do this together. I told them I don't know how to do this yet but I will follow their lead and I will keep them safe. I promised to be strong and to protect them. I visualized G catching the baby and all three of us snuggling for the first time. I told the baby that there is no rush, but I am so very excited to meet them. I felt like it was a pretty powerful conversation. I certainly felt like there was understanding and connection. In fact, as I write this the baby is moving about a lot and I like to think it is because we understand each other and we are getting ready to do this together, as a team. The baby will let me know what to do. The baby is my guide. I am just the vessel. I need to keep things safe, warm, strong and loving and the baby will tell me what to do.
I have decided that this baby is an old soul. It explains why everything has happened so quickly and effortlessly. They know the drill and I am really just the one they chose to come through. I KNOW this sounds wicked hippie-dippy but its more and more how I feel about this little one. I don't know how to do this stuff but the calm I feel comes from feeling the guiding hand of the spirit inside of me. This little person wants ME to learn through THEM, how to grow a person, how to labor and give birth, how to be a mom, how to let go. I am about to meet my teacher and I am so honored and excited.
In the mean time I am feeling both impatient and guilty for my impatience. From one moment to the next I feel sixteen different emotions and motivations. It is confusing in here. I hope, I trust that the little one inside of me has the answers and holds the key to this whole thing. That comforts me. I do know how to trust this soul. I have been trusting them to be my guide all along.
I woke up last night with cramps and have had them on and off all morning. I feel sort of quiet and cranky today. The baby has totally dropped down. My belly looks very different than it has up to this point. It is all very encouraging. I am not sure if I said anything about it but the midwives told me that the baby was posterior after the home visit. I have thus been doing all sorts of hands and knees time and working to get him/her turned back to front with me. There is definitely a butt on the right side of my belly now which is very comforting.
I went to see the acupuncturist last night. I went to see the guy who used to treat my shinsplints. He is so very zen and mellow. It was really a trippy experience. He asked me "So are you clear for induction". Hearing it out loud was really like a slap to my head. I AM. That's the crazy part. Since acupuncture can be a very gentle augmentation in the final weeks I AM clear for induction. There isn't really another word for it other than induction it just had a lot of other meanings that are well....icky to me.
Anyway, I felt so sleepy and relaxed. I was talking to the baby as I sat there in the chair. I could feel the baby moving after the needles were all placed. The baby turned and moved down a little. I was using some positive visualization and I was telling the baby that whenever they are ready we can do this together. I told them I don't know how to do this yet but I will follow their lead and I will keep them safe. I promised to be strong and to protect them. I visualized G catching the baby and all three of us snuggling for the first time. I told the baby that there is no rush, but I am so very excited to meet them. I felt like it was a pretty powerful conversation. I certainly felt like there was understanding and connection. In fact, as I write this the baby is moving about a lot and I like to think it is because we understand each other and we are getting ready to do this together, as a team. The baby will let me know what to do. The baby is my guide. I am just the vessel. I need to keep things safe, warm, strong and loving and the baby will tell me what to do.
I have decided that this baby is an old soul. It explains why everything has happened so quickly and effortlessly. They know the drill and I am really just the one they chose to come through. I KNOW this sounds wicked hippie-dippy but its more and more how I feel about this little one. I don't know how to do this stuff but the calm I feel comes from feeling the guiding hand of the spirit inside of me. This little person wants ME to learn through THEM, how to grow a person, how to labor and give birth, how to be a mom, how to let go. I am about to meet my teacher and I am so honored and excited.
In the mean time I am feeling both impatient and guilty for my impatience. From one moment to the next I feel sixteen different emotions and motivations. It is confusing in here. I hope, I trust that the little one inside of me has the answers and holds the key to this whole thing. That comforts me. I do know how to trust this soul. I have been trusting them to be my guide all along.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Just the wrong side of 37 weeks
I have just recently started to feel restless. I wish I didn't feel so impatient. Especially since I know I will never ever get this time back. Soon enough I will be someones mom for the rest of my life and I should be doing a better job enjoying my last tiny bit of waddley freedom before my world changes and the life I have known for the past 29 years is traded in for a newer, more exhausting, poop filled, snuggley, chubby cheeked model. I totally GET that. However, I am feeling like "Ok, the house is clean, the baby is big, the midwives know where I live. Let's get this show on the road right?" Wrong. Starfish is not done cooking yet. I am not entirely ready yet and well, it would seem G is still finding things to do to fuck up the paint on the walls or boobie trap the path to the washing machine in the basement which would indicate that he too is not quite ready. But for real, I am all antsy to have "something happen".
My first check came in the mail today. 60% of my pay is better than nothing but still sorta sad. It makes me not want to go out baby shopping because I feel badly that I am not contributing as much to the household and honestly, we probably don't need THAT much more stuff. (I do need to get our changing station set up though and that is going to take a little bit more shopping). So, yeah, I don't feel inclined to go out to the movies every day or to pamper myself with pedicures and massages because while that stuff is nice, it is spendy and I would rather not go broke entertaining myself waiting to go into labor. So...sigh....I don't know quite what I am going to do but it is time to start getting creative.
I don't really want to go to a bunch of mommy meet ups. I am still not entirely comfortable with the fact that I am going to be a "mommy" and thus, I feel like a weirdo going to those sorts of things. Also, I don't always see eye to eye with the moms at those things and right now I don't need anything to feel stressed or conflicted about. I am also feeling protective about my birth choices and don't love people asking "where are you delivering" answering "We are planning for a home birth" and having them respond by holding me hostage for a 40min dissertation on how some friend of theirs had a horrible home birth attempt and ended up with a C-section or how they were SAVED by their doc and by being at the hospital, polished off with "but you're so brave! I'm sure nothing bad will happen for you and it will all be great". I fucking HATE that. I hate it so much it makes me not want to go to meet up groups until the baby is out and I can say "we HAD a home birth and everything went super great". Don't get me wrong. Home birth is NOT for everyone and I am not some super woman for attempting it. There are many women who are much happier in the hospital and there are plenty of births where being in the hospital was just the right place for them to be for whatever reason medically or psychologically. I don't have a problem with that. I just wish people would stop projecting their birth onto mine or more aptly, projecting their fears, anxiety, and/or those of their partners, onto mine.....Anyway.....
So, yeah, I need to figure out what to do with myself. I want to take some historic tour of Portland. I want to go to OMSI. I want to do a bunch of cooking without my back bothering me. I want to spend some time alone....I will keep you posted on what I come up with to keep myself occupied. I am strongly considering a day spent wandering around the Japanese Gardens and maybe a trip to the zoo.
Today was our Home visit. I love our midwives. They are such a glowing, happy, confidence inspiring bunch of women. They light up the room and make me feel like I can do ANYTHING. It almost makes me want to go into labor just so I can hang out with them. After all of my craziness they arrived to a clean house today. I had set out snacks and the dogs were even pretty well behaved. Luna LOVES women and took to AmyJo instantly. She was very cute when it was belly check time, hopping right up on the bed next to me to see what they were doing. There was a tour and some planning and the belly exam and then it was over. I had been getting ready for this for 3 days and it was over in 80min. I had to laugh at myself for all the buildup. But the good news is that the house looks AWESOME right now and that makes my neurotic little soul happy.
I am not sure how to end this post. I have several other topics I want to discuss but I think they need posts of their own....THERE! That is something I can do! I will go to a coffee shop and blog my little brains out....nothing but pure unadulterated self indulgence and decaf lattes! I can pretend to be a very interesting person sitting by myself at the coffee shop....oooh, I can see it now. Well, I guess that is as good an ending as any....It is time to go "make dinner" and by "make dinner" I mean heat up the leftover taco fixin's from the other night....Poor G, I have had tacos for dinner 4 nights this week? They are healthy (mostly) and home made (mostly) and even the not homemade ones are from a nice local place (no taco bell around here!). But, he continues to be a trooper and thus....tacos for dinner.
My first check came in the mail today. 60% of my pay is better than nothing but still sorta sad. It makes me not want to go out baby shopping because I feel badly that I am not contributing as much to the household and honestly, we probably don't need THAT much more stuff. (I do need to get our changing station set up though and that is going to take a little bit more shopping). So, yeah, I don't feel inclined to go out to the movies every day or to pamper myself with pedicures and massages because while that stuff is nice, it is spendy and I would rather not go broke entertaining myself waiting to go into labor. So...sigh....I don't know quite what I am going to do but it is time to start getting creative.
I don't really want to go to a bunch of mommy meet ups. I am still not entirely comfortable with the fact that I am going to be a "mommy" and thus, I feel like a weirdo going to those sorts of things. Also, I don't always see eye to eye with the moms at those things and right now I don't need anything to feel stressed or conflicted about. I am also feeling protective about my birth choices and don't love people asking "where are you delivering" answering "We are planning for a home birth" and having them respond by holding me hostage for a 40min dissertation on how some friend of theirs had a horrible home birth attempt and ended up with a C-section or how they were SAVED by their doc and by being at the hospital, polished off with "but you're so brave! I'm sure nothing bad will happen for you and it will all be great". I fucking HATE that. I hate it so much it makes me not want to go to meet up groups until the baby is out and I can say "we HAD a home birth and everything went super great". Don't get me wrong. Home birth is NOT for everyone and I am not some super woman for attempting it. There are many women who are much happier in the hospital and there are plenty of births where being in the hospital was just the right place for them to be for whatever reason medically or psychologically. I don't have a problem with that. I just wish people would stop projecting their birth onto mine or more aptly, projecting their fears, anxiety, and/or those of their partners, onto mine.....Anyway.....
So, yeah, I need to figure out what to do with myself. I want to take some historic tour of Portland. I want to go to OMSI. I want to do a bunch of cooking without my back bothering me. I want to spend some time alone....I will keep you posted on what I come up with to keep myself occupied. I am strongly considering a day spent wandering around the Japanese Gardens and maybe a trip to the zoo.
Today was our Home visit. I love our midwives. They are such a glowing, happy, confidence inspiring bunch of women. They light up the room and make me feel like I can do ANYTHING. It almost makes me want to go into labor just so I can hang out with them. After all of my craziness they arrived to a clean house today. I had set out snacks and the dogs were even pretty well behaved. Luna LOVES women and took to AmyJo instantly. She was very cute when it was belly check time, hopping right up on the bed next to me to see what they were doing. There was a tour and some planning and the belly exam and then it was over. I had been getting ready for this for 3 days and it was over in 80min. I had to laugh at myself for all the buildup. But the good news is that the house looks AWESOME right now and that makes my neurotic little soul happy.
I am not sure how to end this post. I have several other topics I want to discuss but I think they need posts of their own....THERE! That is something I can do! I will go to a coffee shop and blog my little brains out....nothing but pure unadulterated self indulgence and decaf lattes! I can pretend to be a very interesting person sitting by myself at the coffee shop....oooh, I can see it now. Well, I guess that is as good an ending as any....It is time to go "make dinner" and by "make dinner" I mean heat up the leftover taco fixin's from the other night....Poor G, I have had tacos for dinner 4 nights this week? They are healthy (mostly) and home made (mostly) and even the not homemade ones are from a nice local place (no taco bell around here!). But, he continues to be a trooper and thus....tacos for dinner.
Monday, February 6, 2012
36 weeks 2 days
I am in purgatory. I am tired, clumsy, awkward but also content, excited, proud and happy. I am so ready to meet this baby. I want to smell its head and kiss its face. I want to run my hands over every inch of the little body I have been carrying with me for the last 8 1/2 months. I want to FINALLY understand what labor feels like. I feel like an anxious horse in the pen awaiting the gun signalling the start of the race. I don't even know what the gun will sound like but everyone says I will know it when I feel it. I feel like I am waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like I should be doing more. I want to be running and snowshoeing and taking full advantage of this time away from work....yeah right. I know I will be back to my usual active self soon and for now walks and swimming DO make me happy. My point is more that my brain is not used to this pause. On top of that I am nearly constantly uncomfortable. I don't mean this to sound overly negative. I am not miserable. It is not inherently problematic, I am just starting to feel like we don't both fit in here very well. On top of my growing belly, my breasts are in another growth spurt leaving me feeling heavy, heavy, heavy all over. I know that they will get even bigger once the milk arrives but you must understand how it can be a bit overwhelming to see them growing again now, knowing I may see as much as 2 more cup sizes before I start to return to some semblance of stability. 2 more cup sizes would put me into an E?
Mentally I am quite labile these days. I feel a little helpless and that makes me paranoid. I need G to help me with so much and I sort of hate asking him. He is ALWAYS happy to help but I think the waiting is taking a toll on him as well. It is sort of like the baby is the big event and yet, we have no idea when the big event is, we are just waiting. He is to the teeth with people telling him how he is going to feel once the baby arrives. He hates when people assume to know how he feels or what he thinks and it sort of ruins it for him when people get pushy and bossy about stuff. He experienced very similar frustrations just before the wedding.
I got really sad and frustrated with him the other day when he said he felt like he just wished he could take a time out from the baby being the main focus of everything. I totally and completely understand what he meant. I wish the same thing. I remember being a multifaceted person months ago and now I feel like EVERYTHING I do or am unable to do is to do with being pregnant and getting ready for a baby. However, I was totally pissed off at the same time. I thought "You wish YOU could take a break?! That's a fucking riot! I believe YOU have gone hiking with the guys for the last 2 sets of days off. I believe YOU still get to sleep for hours on end without waking up stuck in bed, having to pee so badly you think you actually might explode if you sit up wrong. You get to sleep however the fuck you please. You SLEEP! You get to go to work and turn off the baby brain. You can still walk like a normal person. People at the grocery store don't look at you with 'that look' that is either pity or horror as you get bigger and bigger. You can drink 3 beers on a Friday night. You have room in your body for a normal sized portion of dinner. You don't get seized by contractions that make whatever you're doing nearly impossible. You can bend over. You can put on your shoes in under 3 min. YOU DON'T GET WINDED WALKING FROM THE TOILET TO THE SOFA!!!!!!!!!! You wish YOU COULD HAVE A BREAK?!"
I know all of that makes it sound like I hate being pregnant. I don't. Honestly, I have found this to be a really amazing time. I feel more connected to my body, more confidant in my self and my capacity and more beautiful than I have ever felt in my entire life. All that said, it is some fucking hard work and the end of it is not pretty. I am happily here doing it and over the moon to be able to do it in the first place but it is hard and there are no breaks. I haven't felt like "myself" in 33 weeks. So, when he said that, I felt so horribly pissed and alone I didn't know what to do. I DID actually know. I listened and told him I understood, because I do. I kept the crazy 85% in the bottle. I eventually expressed that it made me feel upset and anxious, largely because I feel like I 'did' this to him, to us. But the fact of the matter is that me rambling off the above list would not do us any good. He knows. He is totally aware that this is hard and that it is not equal in the physical/physiological sense. It IS harder for me. But I also recognize that he doesn't feel all the little exciting things and experience the intimate relationship I am experiencing with the little one yet. So, it is, in that sense harder for him to feel connected, excited, engaged with the developing process except when I have a list for him or put his hand on my wriggling belly. So, you see, it is hard all around. It is beautiful and good all around. It is good for us to go through this in our own ways and to work to stay connected to one another and to support each other on this whacked out ride, but it is not easy.
As much as I want to experience labor and birth, I know that I need a little more time, my baby needs a little more time. 36 weeks is too soon. 37 weeks probably is too but we will see what happens. I REALLY don't want to be in the hospital, especially if it is just because the baby is too early. I want things to be peaceful and I want the baby to call the shots. So, I will spend a few more weeks in my purgatory. I will continue to tick things off of my list. I will probably continue to feel impatient and to over analyze every little twinge but that is seeming more and more like just another rite of passage and part of the process so I will attempt to embrace that part too and not spend too much time abusing myself for feeling what I feel. But in all seriousness, if this critter wants out in 5 days I am all in. We just need 5 more days.
Mentally I am quite labile these days. I feel a little helpless and that makes me paranoid. I need G to help me with so much and I sort of hate asking him. He is ALWAYS happy to help but I think the waiting is taking a toll on him as well. It is sort of like the baby is the big event and yet, we have no idea when the big event is, we are just waiting. He is to the teeth with people telling him how he is going to feel once the baby arrives. He hates when people assume to know how he feels or what he thinks and it sort of ruins it for him when people get pushy and bossy about stuff. He experienced very similar frustrations just before the wedding.
I got really sad and frustrated with him the other day when he said he felt like he just wished he could take a time out from the baby being the main focus of everything. I totally and completely understand what he meant. I wish the same thing. I remember being a multifaceted person months ago and now I feel like EVERYTHING I do or am unable to do is to do with being pregnant and getting ready for a baby. However, I was totally pissed off at the same time. I thought "You wish YOU could take a break?! That's a fucking riot! I believe YOU have gone hiking with the guys for the last 2 sets of days off. I believe YOU still get to sleep for hours on end without waking up stuck in bed, having to pee so badly you think you actually might explode if you sit up wrong. You get to sleep however the fuck you please. You SLEEP! You get to go to work and turn off the baby brain. You can still walk like a normal person. People at the grocery store don't look at you with 'that look' that is either pity or horror as you get bigger and bigger. You can drink 3 beers on a Friday night. You have room in your body for a normal sized portion of dinner. You don't get seized by contractions that make whatever you're doing nearly impossible. You can bend over. You can put on your shoes in under 3 min. YOU DON'T GET WINDED WALKING FROM THE TOILET TO THE SOFA!!!!!!!!!! You wish YOU COULD HAVE A BREAK?!"
I know all of that makes it sound like I hate being pregnant. I don't. Honestly, I have found this to be a really amazing time. I feel more connected to my body, more confidant in my self and my capacity and more beautiful than I have ever felt in my entire life. All that said, it is some fucking hard work and the end of it is not pretty. I am happily here doing it and over the moon to be able to do it in the first place but it is hard and there are no breaks. I haven't felt like "myself" in 33 weeks. So, when he said that, I felt so horribly pissed and alone I didn't know what to do. I DID actually know. I listened and told him I understood, because I do. I kept the crazy 85% in the bottle. I eventually expressed that it made me feel upset and anxious, largely because I feel like I 'did' this to him, to us. But the fact of the matter is that me rambling off the above list would not do us any good. He knows. He is totally aware that this is hard and that it is not equal in the physical/physiological sense. It IS harder for me. But I also recognize that he doesn't feel all the little exciting things and experience the intimate relationship I am experiencing with the little one yet. So, it is, in that sense harder for him to feel connected, excited, engaged with the developing process except when I have a list for him or put his hand on my wriggling belly. So, you see, it is hard all around. It is beautiful and good all around. It is good for us to go through this in our own ways and to work to stay connected to one another and to support each other on this whacked out ride, but it is not easy.
As much as I want to experience labor and birth, I know that I need a little more time, my baby needs a little more time. 36 weeks is too soon. 37 weeks probably is too but we will see what happens. I REALLY don't want to be in the hospital, especially if it is just because the baby is too early. I want things to be peaceful and I want the baby to call the shots. So, I will spend a few more weeks in my purgatory. I will continue to tick things off of my list. I will probably continue to feel impatient and to over analyze every little twinge but that is seeming more and more like just another rite of passage and part of the process so I will attempt to embrace that part too and not spend too much time abusing myself for feeling what I feel. But in all seriousness, if this critter wants out in 5 days I am all in. We just need 5 more days.
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