And Then Before You Know It Things Change

I have not kept quiet about the struggles I have had with early pregnancy. I have been downright simpering about it all at times. But sometime in the last 2 weeks things shifted. It wasn't the weather because it is still hot as balls out here. It isn't that I have stopped peeing or thinking I need to pee every 5 seconds because that has not changed. It isn't that work got easier or sleep got better or even that my house got cleaner and I got better at being less of a slob. Nope, nothing external changed at all. So, what, you may ask, has changed? Well, for the past three months I have been supplying the growing briny little ocean I carry inside of me with all the hormones it needed to grow salty and warm (holy shit am I warm!), to establish a good blood supply and to create all the stuff needed for the growth and development of a happy starfish. I am now happy to report that I have done such a good job that the little ocean is now supplying its own hormones courtesy of the infrastructure I so nauseatedly and hotflashingly set up these last 3 months.

You see, when your body is cranking out the hormones like a teenager you FEEL and ACT like a teenager. You cry over things that don't require crying. You stress over nothing and you hate everything and resent almost everyone. You don't even get the benefit of the hormones coming on slowly over say the years 10-13...nope you get slammed starting about week 4-14. I would LOVE to see the graph curve on hormone levels in pregnant chicks. I bet it is crazy steep. So, yeah, I was a wreck. I don't know how some women get through first trimester without all the nasty but I congratulate them from the depths of my soul because I am here to tell you that shit got DARK in here. I was about 3 days from calling my midwives and saying I was scared I was depressed when things finally started to lighten up and I started to get my energy, my appetite and my sense of humor back. It arrived just in time for our dear friend's wedding too. THANK GOD! Whoever said "it is darkest just before dawn" was once pregnant I SWEAR!

So, I am still here, wearing mostly normal clothes, eating the foods I ate before the starfish moved in for the most part. I crave strange things like baked beans and shredded carrots. I am still very averse to tomatoes and chicken. I sometimes look at my belly and wonder when it will look like there is someone living in there. I other times thank my lucky stars that I am still so strong and healthy and able to do my job. I only took one sick day my whole first trimester and that was the day we flew home from Maine. I was a blubbering, white rice eating, zofran popping, depressed ball of nausea and terror for the last 3 months. Sometimes I felt like I was just hanging on by the skin of my teeth, but it passed. I am still afraid of things and more easily overwhelmed than my nonpregnant alter ego. Mostly I am afraid that my two best local girlfriends won't want to be my friends anymore or as much once the baby is born. I am afraid of losing myself to diapers, nap times and breastfeeding. But it is manageable. I have a really wonderful team supporting me from my mother to my adopted mothers across the nation, my midwives, my work partner, my friends and most of all the absolute best man I know. I know lots of women say this but I swear to god I have the best one. He is patient, he is kind, he loves me even though I am burping for two now, sweating like a long-haul trucker and sometimes get the crazy at inappropriate times. He reminds me that this is all for good and that he is beside me no matter what. He takes out the gross smelling things I leave in the fridge and rubs my back when I can't get comfortable and the world is too hot. He is the master chef of white rice cooked in chicken broth as well as medium rare steaks on the grill. He loves my mother, is good to his own and believes in me. What more could a girl want in a best friend and husband.

So, here's to you second trimester. I thought people were just blowing smoke up my ass by saying "It gets better! Just wait till second trimester!" But ya know what? Second trimester is looking up. Energy, optimism, and appetite...I may just survive this pregnancy thing after all.