I had spent a great deal of time reflecting on how attitude impacts perception. I have been thinking a lot about how we "add" suffering onto already difficult things by continuing to focus on how difficult/uncomfortable/frightening/yucky something is. I am starting to realize that if I DO that, I miss everything. I miss the whole point. Beyond missing it I have now spent 100$ to bitch for 6hrs? What ?! Yes, friends, misery is an inside job. It is a choice. In the wise words of LG "Honey, running a long way hurts, and that's Ok." In the equally profound words of JC "Well, we're in it now. Keep going." That was what was fresh in my mind after Vernonia. I spent a LOT of time thinking positively about Eugene. Thinking about how I was going to stay positive no matter what. I decided I was going to make friends with the pain and just keep it "breezy". There were to be no miles filled with tears and profanity, no shouts of frustrated defeat. Don't get me wrong, it was going to suck at points. There were going to be miles when I wanted to say "WHAT THE FUC%?! WHERE IS THE BRIDGE?! WHERE IS THE FINISH?!" But I wasn't going to give in to that. I was going to experience the moment of oh god this sucks-ness and then move on. Move on to what? Well, move on to the beautiful day, move on to a conversation with one of my awesome running buddies, move on to Jelly Beans of Optimism. What I was moving onto didn't matter as long as it was positive. This is not a polly perfect definition of positive. I don't want you to think I was out there fooling myself. No, I was not. Positive just means anything outside of the poverty mentality of ow, wah, poor me, f-this, whine whine whine.
It worked. I got a little worried when I started to feel physically fatigued at mile 11....with 15.2 more miles to run...but I made peace with the fatigue and kept saying "Eventually it will be over, one foot in front of the other and don't forget to be HERE". At mile 18 it was official, I hurt. My feet in particular were showing no mercy. I announced "In case you were wondering, this is the wall. It is a little dark in here but I am ok. I have a tiny hammer and a tiny pick and I am working on it" JC suggested some Jelly Beans of Optimism and that helped for a while. I had this headache that was like a stabbing pain through my L eye. I still am not quite sure where it came from but it was rude. I almost welcomed it as it didn't seem to invite me to walk but it did seem to be something other than my aching knees and feet to focus on. At mile 21 there was an aid station where a man was sitting having his blood pressure taken by some red cross volunteers. The one guy seemed to be struggling to obtain a BP. The lady who seemed maybe to be a supervisor said "here, let me try" when the other guy held the stethoscope out to her she said "Nah, I never use that thing. I can't hear it anyway, I just watch". It didn't even register at that moment how awesomely inaccurate that 210 over 180 likely was....I thought, wow, he should go to the hospital...in an ambulance....hyponatremia is a bitch...
My finish time was 20 min longer than Vernonia. I am fine with that. I am focused on maniacing not breaking PR for marathons. I won't have JC or AF with me for Forest Park and that frightens me. I lean on those girls for support in ways I probably don't even realize. But I also think that maniacing without my right and left legs as they have come to feel, is the real challenge. 50k will be tough physically and I am working on learning about nutrition and walk breaks to help me stay strong as long as possible. But, I think I have already proven to myself that I can do just about anything with those two women by my side. Now it is time to see if I can do it without them. I will have support for FP. SFF will be there along with some other friends and the Hubbs but it won't be the same. We have a routine the three of us. A routine of bursting into song, knowing who needs what side of "the bed", knowing when to suggest a walk or snack break. They learned to read my silence and I learned to take their advice. And now it is time to see how much I really have learned. I am even more resolute in my vow of positivity. I am trying to let it spill over into my whole life. That is not to say that a profanity filled rant is not a fun way to let off steam at dispatch or other drivers every once in a while but the difference is that I don't really MEAN it. Not when it boils down...Deep down I believe that people are good and trying their best, pain is just part of living and not really the worst part, and that I am capable of way more than I know.
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